In marriage there are roles that each man and woman must take on. The man is expected to be a protector, provider, a strategist, and strong. A woman is expected to be dedicated, a care taker, loyal, and provide in a different way. Far too often you see married guys succumbing to every single request their wives have and you can almost feel the tension and see the broken spirit of the guy. While there will be some crossover of duties at times, the balance should be equal.
The Power of No
These days telling someone no is looked upon as something to get offended over. Everyone placates to everyone else in a feminized world because everyone is looking to avoid conflict and to please others over themselves. This is a very feminine point of view and a man should stop and think about obliging to every thing asked of him.
A married man must do this with his wife as well. Women do not take well to being told no. They will pout, get upset, and some may even get angry; or a combo of all three. This in a way is a shit test, because when you display that you’re not her personal servant she goes in to crazy mode. As long as you maintain your frame here, she may continue to freak out, but keeping calm and sticking to your decision is key. If you are to give any form of reason as to why you wont do something, tell her “because I don’t want to.” That still asserts your dominance of yourself while offering a legitimate reason.
Your wife will try in a last ditch effort to pull you into her frame. I’ve learned that complete rational silence can help here. Let her act like a fool and try to pull you in. Don’t give into the temptation to either submit or get angry as that is failing the test. If this comes up in my own life, I either go do something and show I’m not being bothered by it, or I speak to others in a calm tone. I show her that I wont be pulled in to her frame and that I am handling her irrationality the way a man should.
Another aspect of not giving in to your wife’s every request is that it can help in ways most might not understand. Telling your wife that you don’t want to go shopping opens up time for you to do things you want to do. Throw a wrench on your ride, lift weights, go play with your kids, hang out with your guy friends, etc. Too many married guys have all their “free” time locked down with their wives. You need free, leisure time to get your head right and break away from the constant flow of work, home, sleep, repeat during the week. You shouldn’t be asking or begging your wife for free time, nor should you be too much of a chicken shit to even propose the idea in the first place.
That said, I think time alone with your wife is important, especially if you have kids. You need time together as a couple, not just parents. If she gives you shit about wanting to go out with your buddies you can remind her about these times. Truth is, you’re a man and you need no permission to do what you want within reason. I don’t ask my wife for permission, I give her a “heads up” that I won’t be available. This shows that you are doing what you want, keeping her in the loop, but not begging her to do something. You maintain the power.
The Value of Shock
Getting back to the main theme, the shock value of you leveling some serious frame on her when she least expects it can be beneficial. My own wife has told me that when I surprise her with things like a mapped out day out with the family she loves it. In the same vein, dropping a well placed no on her can help you.
She is hoping that you’re in control at all times and she may have something she wants to do and just assumes because you’re her husband that you’ll go along with it. You rock her world when you say that you’re not on board with that idea. The perfect way she played out approaching you in her head is shattered and as noted above, women don’t reach well to an abrupt change. She may seem upset and angry at you but deep in the core she’s loving the fact that you are passing the shit test. The effects may not be immediate, but you’ll reap the benefits of keeping your cool.
When to Say Yes
Being an outright asshole to your wife wont work all the time. When married, you spend way more time with your woman than a guy who is just out banging chicks. You have to give and get in this situation in ways other than sex though that is very important and something I’ll write about in a future post. Never complying to your woman will turn her against you especially if its things that a man is expected to do.
Things like cutting down a dead tree, getting stuck car out of the snow, carrying in the heavy new refrigerator are all things that a man should be expected to do, as they’re things that men have an advantage over or at the least the skills and tools to get done. Your wife expects you to do things like this, and as traditional male, you should expect to do masculine tasks.
There are also more grey crossover things like changing a diaper, making breakfast for your kids, or cleaning up dishes are more one off things. In a pinch, you may have to do these things but it’s not something that should solely be your job or even something you have to do on a daily basis.
Then there are things that I believe a guy should never do. Things like going to baby showers, shopping with a group of women, making dinner everyday, or being the emotional support for your children are things to avoid if possible. Especially being the sole guy in a group of women. They need time with just women the same way you need time with just your male friends.
To recap, as married red pilled men we must realize that we are not a helpless puppy that should blindly follow orders by our wives. That in itself is completely against everything the community stands for. If you want to do something or not, you are the one who decides to take action, not your wife. If your wife objects to you saying no to her at first, stand your ground, keep your frame strong, and don’t give in even if she gets angry. Finally, know when to say yes to a request from your wife, and when to say no.
I must stress that your wife will react differently when you start standing up for yourself. On the surface things will seem tense and awkward, but the theory holds up if you apply it. It really comes down to frame at this point and assuming you’re living by the code we subscribe to here, it should come as second nature.