Denying Her Requests

In marriage there are roles that each man and woman must take on.  The man is expected to be a protector, provider, a strategist, and strong.  A woman is expected to be dedicated, a care taker, loyal, and provide in a different way.  Far too often you see married guys succumbing to every single request their wives have and you can almost feel the tension and see the broken spirit of the guy.  While there will be some crossover of duties at times, the balance should be equal.

The Power of No

These days telling someone no is looked upon as something to get offended over.  Everyone placates to everyone else in a feminized world because everyone is looking to avoid conflict and to please others over themselves.  This is a very feminine point of view and a man should stop and think about obliging to every thing asked of him.

A married man must do this with his wife as well.  Women do not take well to being told no.  They will pout, get upset, and some may even get angry; or a combo of all three.  This in a way is a shit test, because when you display that you’re not her personal servant she goes in to crazy mode.  As long as you maintain your frame here, she may continue to freak out, but keeping calm and sticking to your decision is key.  If you are to give any form of reason as to why you wont do something, tell her “because I don’t want to.” That still asserts your dominance of yourself while offering a legitimate reason.

Your wife will try in a last ditch effort to pull you into her frame. I’ve learned that complete rational silence can help here.  Let her act like a fool and try to pull you in.  Don’t give into the temptation to either submit or get angry as that is failing the test.  If this comes up in my own life, I either go do something and show I’m not being bothered by it, or I speak to others in a calm tone.  I show her that I wont be pulled in to her frame and that I am handling her irrationality the way a man should.

He wouldn’t dare say no to her. Look how confident the “best husband ever” looks here.

Leverage

Another aspect of not giving in to your wife’s every request is that it can help in ways most might not understand.  Telling your wife that you don’t want to go shopping opens up time for you to do things you want to do.  Throw a wrench on your ride, lift weights, go play with your kids, hang out with your guy friends, etc.  Too many married guys have all their “free” time locked down with their wives.  You need free, leisure time to get your head right and break away from the constant flow of work, home, sleep, repeat during the week.  You shouldn’t be asking or begging your wife for free time, nor should you be too much of a chicken shit to even propose the idea in the first place.

That said, I think time alone with your wife is important, especially if you have kids.  You need time together as a couple, not just parents.  If she gives you shit about wanting to go out with your buddies you can remind her about these times.  Truth is, you’re a man and you need no permission to do what you want within reason.  I don’t ask my wife for permission, I give her a “heads up” that I won’t be available.  This shows that you are doing what you want, keeping her in the loop, but not begging her to do something.  You maintain the power.

The Value of Shock

Getting back to the main theme, the shock value of you leveling some serious frame on her when she least expects it can be beneficial.  My own wife has told me that when I surprise her with things like a mapped out day out with the family she loves it.  In the same vein, dropping a well placed no on her can help you.

She is hoping that you’re in control at all times and she may have something she wants to do and just assumes because you’re her husband that you’ll go along with it.  You rock her world when you say that you’re not on board with that idea.  The perfect way she played out approaching you in her head is shattered and as noted above, women don’t reach well to an abrupt change.  She may seem upset and angry at you but deep in the core she’s loving the fact that you are passing the shit test.  The effects may not be immediate, but you’ll reap the benefits of keeping your cool.

When to Say Yes

Being an outright asshole to your wife wont work all the time.  When married, you spend way more time with your woman than a guy who is just out banging chicks.  You have to give and get in this situation in ways other than sex though that is very important and something I’ll write about in a future post.  Never complying to your woman will turn her against you especially if its things that a man is expected to do.

Things like cutting down a dead tree, getting stuck car out of the snow, carrying in the heavy new refrigerator are all things that a  man should be expected to do, as they’re things that men have an advantage over or at the least the skills and tools to get done.  Your wife expects you to do things like this, and as traditional male, you should expect to do masculine tasks.

There are also more grey crossover things like changing a diaper, making breakfast for your kids, or cleaning up dishes are more one off things. In a pinch, you may have to do these things but it’s not something that should solely be your job or even something you have to do on a daily basis.

Then there are things that I believe a guy should never do.  Things like going to baby showers, shopping with a group of women, making dinner everyday, or being the emotional support for your children are things to avoid if possible.  Especially being the sole guy in a group of women.  They need time with just women the same way you need time with just your male friends.

Conclusion

To recap, as married red pilled men we must realize that we are not a helpless puppy that should blindly follow orders by our wives.  That in itself is completely against everything the community stands for.  If you want to do something or not, you are the one who decides to take action, not your wife. If your wife objects to you saying no to her at first, stand your ground, keep your frame strong, and don’t give in even if she gets angry.  Finally, know when to say yes to a request from your wife, and when to say no.

I must stress that your wife will react differently when you start standing up for yourself.  On the surface things will seem tense and awkward, but the theory holds up if you apply it.  It really comes down to frame at this point and assuming you’re living by the code we subscribe to here, it should come as second nature.

-J. Nyx

 

 

 

 

 

 

Author: Jnyx

J. Nyx is a father of three and co-owner of akingscastle.com. He understands that there is something missing in the community and that you can be a traditional, masculine man in our current age as well as a dedicated leader of your family.

  • GhostOfJefferson ✓ᴺᵃᵗᶦᵒᶰᵃˡᶦˢᵗ

    Topically I can find absolutely nothing wrong with this article whatsoever. You covered the basics quite nicely and everything you’ve written I myself have verified in real life. Well done, sir!

  • bem

    “Too many married guys
    have all their “free” time locked down with their wives. You need free,
    leisure time to get your head right and break away from the constant flow of
    work, home, sleep, repeat during the week.”

    This one hits close to home….

    In retrospect it would have been much easier to establish these parameters early on in a relationship.
    When a couple gets together young, there’s a great deal of “us against the world” as you build a life together, even more so if you share the same goals and interests. Often both parties’ more free-wheeling friends will fall
    by the wayside. You find yourself “doing everything together” and in the worst case, this mutates into “helping do what
    she wants”.
    Yes, both of you need time apart, be it alone or withothers. When the new “we” is born of the marriage, there’s no reason for either “I” to disappear.

    This is an important essay. Well done.

    • AkingsCastle

      Thank you, I agree that it would be easier to set this up from jump street and it can cause some issues if you have lost your personal identity already.

      • Jim Johnson

        It strikes me as well. Especially if you move as a couple and have no friends in your new area. I get involved in Boy Scouts and stuff like that through church, but I sure miss the old days of four wheeling and bonfires with the guys. Even when I go to my old stomping grounds, my old high school friends have their family commitments as well.

      • bem

        Well shit, if one’s lost their personal identity they’re right fukked either way…

  • Something I struggle to understand is the “Don’t get angry” thing.

    As I understand it, it basically boils down to “Don’t get angry, because that’s beta”, although that seems to be a disguised rhetoric for “Don’t get angry, because your woman is favored by the law and you can’t win”.

    Because realistically, if your woman keeps nagging you, you just want to smash her damn face in.

    Where does this whole “don’t hit women” and “don’t get angry” thing come from?

    The concept frustrates me, because it makes me feel like a slave. She gets to express how she feels and I am expected to cushion her emotions … how the fuck is that a good deal? Why should I not just get angry and make her shut the fuck up? (Or leave her, for that matter).

    The suggestion feels like slavery to me, as it’s all about “what she needs you to do” or “what she wants you to do”.

    Keeping calm in face of her attack seems very much like a defeat to me – whether or not it has long-term benefits from a Machiavellian perspective. That is, unless her attack actually doesn’t bother you because you are in a good mood or meditate a lot or whatever.

    • Jim Johnson

      If you have little kids around, you understand the concept. The tantrums and fit throwing that women and children do are unbecoming, sometimes amusing. They are trying to suck you into the argument for validation. If you succumb and get heated, you are giving them power over your own emotions. They whine, they cry, they yell and scream. You tell them to go stand in the corner and take a time out, then go back to reading your paper.

      • Hm. Not sure I follow, to be honest. So your argument is basically that people look silly when they are angry? No denying of that, but … hmm. You know, thing I’ve been wondering about: In movies, the action heroes often have fits of rage and anger you could call “temper tantrums”. Except – they are strong and it looks somewhat “cool” instead of “silly”.

        • Jim Johnson

          You have two choices, get sucked into the argument or not. It is nearly impossible to win a heated argument with a hamster wheel. If you win a point, she will move onto any other points, and then bring up old points from the past. It is like that Greek Hydra. It just is never ending. Best way to deal with a girl when she is coming after you like that (so long as the subject is trivial) is to use any appropriate shit test tactics and redirect to a sexual tone.

          https://illimitablemen.com/2014/12/14/the-shit-test-encyclopedia/

          • Oh. I think I’m getting closer to what you guys mean.

            I wasn’t suggesting to argue with her. I was suggesting to say “Shut the fuck up, bitch”. And if she comes back with “You can’t call me bitch”, then you say it again “Shut the fuck up, bitch”. And if she doesn’t get it sooner or later, you give her a slap, until she gets it.

            Except, you can’t really do that with the law as it is, because she will play victim.

            But aside from the law, is my thinking wrong? I don’t really see it as “playing into her frame”. I see it as … being pissed and telling her to shut the fuck up or else. That is not the same as arguing with her. Arguing would be an admission of defeat (=I can’t really touch you where it hurts, so I have to play into your stupid argument).

          • Jim Johnson

            In 14 years, I have never had to tell my wife to shut up. At most, I have told her “you are tired, why don’t you go take a nap”, or “I’m going for a walk, lets revisit this when cooler heads prevail”.

          • What do you mean by “never had to”?

          • Jim Johnson

            never did, never had to. The disagreement is cut off or resolved before it becomes an argument (yelling or name calling) or a fight (physical). Arguing is her territory, that is where irrational heads (hamster wheels) prevail. Fighting is where guys prevail, but there are serious consequences. Best to stop it early.

          • Hm. Yeah, that’s what I mean. There are consequences. But if there weren’t?

    • AkingsCastle

      Dont get angry doesn’t mean don’t be pissed off to me. Basically, if you start yelling and screaming back at her then she has ammunition to keep the argument going as she’s broken your frame and got into your head. You dont have to be silent and sulk. I crack jokes or start ignoring just her when she pops off like this.

      • Well … if I am already pissed off, you could say that my frame is already broken. Then I have two choices: Be openly pissed off or pretend like I’m “in control”. I think that the first option is the more … honest … version.

        I also think I recall people saying that ignoring someone is a rather female passive aggressive behavior and men like open confrontation and what not.

    • bem

      Becoming angry too often belies a loss of control. NO ONE should be able to make you lose control.
      “Frame” 101.

      • Correct me if I’m wrong, but then the question is: Why did I lose control in the first place? Why did I become angry?

        Once you’re angry, I think it’s silly to pretend you aren’t.

        • bem

          Fair enough. The control bit is in not getting to that point.

  • Jim Johnson

    My dad is the “Yes ma’am” type. He is a good guy, but even in his 70’s, he comes in from the outside chores to do the inside chores. They watch what she wants to watch on TV…..when I was younger, I thought it was my mom’s fault for being crabby or throwing a fit if she doesn’t get her way. Later on, I realized it was more his fault for not having a backbone.

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  • Matthew Schroer

    Excellent article. Lean and clean.