You Set The Tone

While out at my kids soccer game this weekend, tensions were high.  It was a playoff game and both teams were evenly matched.  It went into a sudden death shootout and my kid’s team was defeated.  It sucked for most parents to deal with this, but one guy in particular started raging and screaming, claiming we had been cheated.  He was arguing with the official and his kids looked like they wanted to run away.  It got me thinking about how as a father you set the tone that not only others see, but how your children and wife will fall in line.  Today’s article will go over how you can be a good role model and leader in these situations.

My kid plays goalie, so the pressure is high.  I could see that it was affecting him emotionally.  So many parents were all crushed or like the guy above, going out of control, but I decided to keep my cool.  I am not there to coddle the boy, but I gave him a hug and said told him he played well.  I told him that as long as he didn’t give up and fought as hard as he could he made me proud.  Our home isn’t friendly to quitters or complainers, I know the message got through.  I told him to just work on any area that he needs to in order to play better next time.  He seemed to take it very well.

On the other side of the spectrum, this guy was freaking out on everyone.  In  a sense he stole the moment away from his kid.  The kid lost and could have learned from it but all he learned was how to freak out when things don’t go your way.

Light The Way

As dad/husband your behavior and how you handle things is going to directly influence your wife and kids.  If you’re the type to freak out over little things and scream when things get a little uncomfortable, your wife is going to think you can’t handle the situation you’re in, and I honestly think this is when a woman feels the most afraid, and if you continue to not hold up your end of the deal then you know what comes next .

Kids are no different.  I try to be the best example I can to my kids.  I honestly think they know that when shit hits the fan, dad fixes it.   By keeping my shit in order I hope to teach my sons how to be men, and give an example to my daughter as to what I man should be like.

How to Rule

So now we know why we should be the ones setting the tone, but how do you do that?  Its basic frame theory really.

  1. Maintain a rock solid frame. Not letting anyone shake you is key here.  Take everything in stride and don’t slip into someone else’s frame.  You have to be the rock your family stands behind.
  2. Keep your cool for as long as possible.  This extends beyond family.  Even if you feel like you’re going to explode inside, you have to try to maintain calm.  Eventually this will just become second nature.
  3. Be a leader.   If you’re a lazy shit that spends all weekend sitting on the couch, guzzling beer and watching TV, you’re not being a leader.  Its up to you to make experiences for your family.

They’re always going to remember the things you did for them and what you taught them.  Your kids are your legacy, and if all you teach them is weakness and laziness, that’s all they’ll have to go on about Dad when they look back on their life.

Conclusion

How you act sets the stage for your entire family.  Your actions and directions on how to react to situations are going to be what your wife and kids go off of.  Its your job to lead them in the right direction and also to be able to be relied upon.   I’ve often thought that when a guy chooses to have a family, he basically signs up to be a guardian, captain, and commander of anyone who is in his family.  They all look to him for all of these things and if its going to work, you have to keep yourself in check.

The next time you’re out with your family and you see a guy freaking out (over something stupid)  take a look at how he’s representing himself, but more importantly glance at his family around him.  Its a sight I hope to never see on my own family.

-J. Nyx

Author: Jnyx

J. Nyx is a father of three and co-owner of akingscastle.com. He understands that there is something missing in the community and that you can be a traditional, masculine man in our current age as well as a dedicated leader of your family.