Love & Respect: The L/R Dynamic

  1. The L/R Dynamic
  2. Blue and Pink Glasses
  3. COUPLE
  4. CHAIRS
  5. Putting It All Together

For the month of December, I will be relieving Cynic of duty to cover a book I’ve been reading called Love & Respect.  This book was suggested to me by a Twitter friend, Tex.  Before I went out and bought the book, I decided to listen to some sermons centered around the message of Love & Respect and was so impressed I went out and bought it the next day.

This site is focused on men, but this series is something I encourage you to print out and share with your wife as she will obtain many great insights from it as well.  If you like what I’m presenting, I would greatly encourage you buy the book as it will go into much greater detail than I will.

We’re going to start part 1 of this series by reading the passage from the Bible that this whole book revolves around.  For many of you, this is a well known piece of scripture and is often glossed over.  However, if you really dig into what the Apostle Paul is instructing us to do, you will realize that this hits at the very core of how men and women operate.

“Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.”
-Ephesians 5:33
Let’s split this piece of scripture into two parts so it’s easier to focus on the instructions we’re being provided:

Men, you are to love your wife as you love yourself.  So how should you love your wife/yourself?  1 Corinthians 6:19-20 provides us with that answer:

“Don’t you know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God?  You are not your own, for you were bought at a price.  So glorify God with your body.”

If you are a temple for the Holy Spirit and are to love yourself in a way that brings honor to God, so should you love your wife in the same way.

Now for women, you are to show reverence for your husbands.  Reverence is a deep respect for another person.  Many women will scoff at this notion of respecting their husbands.  Sadly, it’s a sign of the times where society has so degraded men and traditional marriages that many misunderstand why this respect should be given and what it even means.

When you tell the average woman that she ought to respect her husband, you’ll likely come across a few cookie-cutter responses:

  1. “He’s not better than/above me.”
  2. “He has to earn my respect.”
  3. “Only an arrogant S.O.B. would demand I respect him.”

What these women don’t understand is how men operate on a deep, subconscious level.  Men are programmed to value things like honor, duty, and respect and when we believe we aren’t being shown the proper respect, it strikes straight to our psyche.  The book Love & Respect tells of studies where over 7000 couples were surveyed and in those surveys they found that approximately 84% of men will tend to react more strongly to a show of disrespect than a lack of love.

To the women reading, this is the key to understanding what drives your husbands.  If things aren’t going well in your marriages, take a step back and assess if you are fulfilling one of his most basic needs, the need to be respected.

So what about the other side of the coin?  The astute men in the audience will have already realized that at the deepest levels of a woman’s psyche, she needs to be loved and the same studies cited in the book confirm this.  Whereas men will more likely lash out at an affront to their character, women are more likely to lash out if they feel unloved by their husband.

To help illustrate this, let’s take the above cookie-cutter excuses that women might use for not respecting their husbands and flip the script on them:

  1. “Why should I love her?”
  2. “She has to earn my love.”
  3. Only a needy bitch would demand I love her.”

Any woman being honest with themselves would admit that these phrases would devastate them if uttered by their husband.  They’re insults that strike to a woman’s core.

The next question that arises is what happens when a man feels like he isn’t being shown the proper respect and a woman feel unloved?  It’s really quite simple.

When a man feels disrespected, he naturally withdraws his love and when a woman feels unloved, she withdraws her respect.  This creates what the author calls “The Crazy Cycle” illustrated below:

This little graph is really quite brilliant in its simplicity.  As you can see, as soon as either the husband does something perceived as unloving or the wife does something perceived as disrespectful, the cycle begins and intensifies until either the husband or wife puts on the breaks.  Depending how far down the Crazy Cycle, you’ve gone this becomes increasingly difficult to do as you’ve both become more and more emotionally committed to the dispute. 

How do you stop the Crazy Cycle?  Simply stop withdrawing your love/respect.

A question that’s generally brought up during this discussion about love and respect is “Don’t women also need respect and men also need love?”

Of course they do!  That being said, respect doesn’t impact a woman’s psyche nearly as strongly as love does and vice versa for men.

So why doesn’t the Bible also tell women to love their husbands and for husbands to respect their wives?  Quite honestly, because it would be redundant.  Men naturally show respect to others.  As I said before, it is programmed into our code.  The same applies to women with love.  Women are naturally predisposed to show love and affection so why would the Bible tell them to do so?  It’d be like telling a fish to use their fins to swim.  No duh!

Takeaways

  1. Men need respect from their wives.
  2. Women need love from their husbands.
  3. When men don’t feel respected, they withdraw love and when women don’t feel loved, they withdraw respect (see The Crazy Cycle).
  4. The Crazy Cycle ends only when one spouse begins returning the love/respect.

Stay tuned for next week’s installment on this series, Blue and Pink Glasses.

 

 

 

Author: Jak

Jak, married and father of three, seeks to help the Red-Pill Community take its next step past the petty cynicism and ineffectual anger. While he recognizes that men are significantly handicapped by the modern legal system and culture, he doesn’t accept that traditional marriage is untenable in today’s social climate.

Rather, men must be willing to adapt to this new world by implementing new tactics and approaches to maintaining a balance of power. Jak is here to provide you with these lessons.

  • Stoic Nihilist

    I’m more interested if anyone has ever seen a Bem in the wild. In its natural Bem habitat.

    • AutomaticSlim

      ” In its natural Bem habitat.”

      So eating a cheesesteak then?

  • Joseph Curwen

    Kevin Lomax: What about love?

    John Milton: Overrated. Biochemically no different than eating large quantities of chocolate.

    The Devil’s Advocate (1997)

  • AutomaticSlim

    This seems to make a lot of sense.

    I have a question for the married guys here who are around my age range (I’m 51). And I am not asking this to be a wise-ass. As your wife gets older, 35, 40, 45 & such, how difficult is it to stay faithful with her? Is it loyalty that drives this? The fact that she gave herself to you at the height of her youth and beauty? Or perhaps some wives are OK with a middle aged husband getting a younger girl on the side every now and then, as long as it is discreet?

    • Jak

      Not your age, but this topic will be covered in a later article in this series. From what I’ve seen from other fellows, if you’re looking to stay with the wife of your youth until you’re on your deathbed, having women on the side doesn’t end well, even if they initially give their consent to the idea.

    • Murdoc34

      how difficult is it to stay faithful with her? Is it loyalty that drives this? The fact that she gave herself to you at the height of her youth and beauty?

      It’s not one thing. The loyalty and sacrifice you mentioned are parts, plus I’m personally unwilling to tolerate the drama and bullshit, plus I’m personally unwilling to bear the additional financial expenditures a girlfriend would demand.

      The latter two are more selfish, and of course the wife would rather it be 100% loyalty, sacrifice, and love, but, well, I’m sure I don’t have to explain my additions to other men.

    • Jim Johnson

      It is a combination of things imo. Yes lust gives way to love over the years. Children are also a big part of it my love for them holds me to doing the right thing. There is also being a man of integrity. The covenant I made with her means something as long as she keeps her end. Also, it is a symbiotic relationship. I like coming home to food on the table or having sex regularly, even if I do have to support her.

    • Lou Skunt

      Hey Slim, Che si Dice!

      I’ll do my best to answer your question… My wife and I are both 46, married for almost 20-years. It’s definitely a combination of things, but for me, sharing common interests and values goes a long way. Honesty, integrity and reliability are also key.

      To be honest with you, it’s been very easy to remain faithful, virtually effortless. I’ve always held a zero-tolerance policy for any sort of bullshit, and the older I get, even more so. I don’t like conflict or chaos, and my household is peaceful and harmonious as a result. Luckily, I found someone with the same principles.

      With that said, it does help that my wife puts most women half her age to shame. (If there are any ladies reading this, please pay attention)… She’s always been a fitness girl and stays in top shape. She’s on her treadmill or bike every morning at 7am. Shower, hair and makeup next – like clockwork. She never leaves the house without being fully polished. Sure, at 46, she occasionally goes in for a little facial filler, botox, or skin treatments. She’s not obsessive, just very disciplined and she know’s how to bring it – ultra feminine and sexy, but classy – if that makes sense. When we go out and I look around at other women or girls and then look at my wife, I think to myself: “I have absolutely no desire to test drive a Yugo when I have a Ferrari in the garage.” Most women hate her without ever meeting her. Which brings me to your last sentence…

      I would never consider or suggest to anyone to get something else on the side. Honestly, one woman is enough. I have no interest in complicating my life by juggling multiple women. Plus, I’ve worked too damn hard to lose half of my assets over a piece of ass. At this point in life, I truly enjoy being with a Real Woman, not a Little Girl.

      • AutomaticSlim

        Sto bene, Lou!

        Good for you, and I really mean that. Sounds like a great relationship, something that most if not all would envy.

        “At this point in life, I truly enjoy being with a Real Woman, not a Little Girl.”

        Understood. Yeah, as most here know, I am obsessed with youthful females. And that is due to my issues and the circumstances of my life. As I have stated before, I would like to think that if I had met a beautiful girl in college or at least in my early twenties, someone who would have justified my existence, I would be a completely different guy today. And I would like to think I would have been loyal to her till death. But hey, we play the cards we are dealt, and that’s what I do.
        All the best to you, your wife and your family!

        • Lou Skunt

          Thanks Slim! All the best to you, my friend!

  • Murdoc34

    I encourage you to print out and share with your wife as she will obtain many great insights

    Under no circumstances should you let her use a computer, lest she discover the internet.

    • hand_drill

      Or a dishwasher for that matter.

  • Jim Johnson

    Interesting read. It sounds like love and respect are really two sides of the same coin. One being a masculine and the other a feminine manifestation.

    • Jak

      I think of it more as a yin-yang relationship, but your analogy works as well.

      I say yin-yang because men need primarily respect, but they also need love from their wife and on the flip side (pun intended), women need primarily love, but they also need respect from their husband.

  • MCGOO

    The man has no problem relishing and respecting his virtuous woman. It is when the woman disrespects the man, when she buys into and processes the messages put forth by some ogre associated with the woman, usually a mother in law who looks like this ›››

    https://i0.wp.com/epg.sat1.de/epgimg/1ecc6bc492069fd5b80df66ab7176616-original.jpg

    So hideous is she that she emits venom from her pores. And so tarnished does your woman become that she repulses you like she’s just finished rolling in a manure field. Her stench is enough to drive a man to abandon his tribe and culture.

    I’ve done my share of house cleaning involving a pig in the house and one thing I’ve learned is to go for the source of the odor. If you have a disrespectful animal in the house who pisses in a corner somewhere, you sniff around and find THE SOURCE. Once you locate the piss corner, you douse it with vinegar and baking soda, scrub lightly and then vacuum. Voila the whole castle smells brand new again.

    Likewise with the ogre mother in law influence, YOU LOCATE the proximity of her stench and then hone in on ground zero. You cover the festidious ogre with a tarp, wrap tightly to contain her gaseous plumes and then you relocate and release the festering blob downwind somewhere. PROBLEM FIXED!!

    • AutomaticSlim

      “I’ve done my share of house cleaning involving a pig in the house…”

      Hahahaha!

      “Likewise with the ogre mother in law influence…”

      In my case, the ogre was the mother itself…the “Wicked Witch of Westchester” as I like to say. Not in my house, and not much in my life as an adult, but doesn’t matter. The damage was done long before. May her soul rot in hell!

  • AutomaticSlim

    Once again. just because I feel like it.
    I figure once every week or two is not excessive…

    • Marius Aetius Lucullus

      got to LOVE some Sabbath

  • bem

    Is it bettuh to be loved, or feahed?

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