Love & Respect: Blue and Pink Glasses

  1. The L/R Dynamic
  2. Blue and Pink Glasses
  3. COUPLE
  4. CHAIRS
  5. Putting It All Together

Last week we discussed the core principles of the Love & Respect dynamic and what both men and women need most from their spouse, men needing primarily respect from their wives and wives needing primarily love from their husbands.

We also introduced the Crazy Cycle and how it feeds into itself until a marriage becomes a horrific mess.

Today, we are going to discuss what is arguably the primary reason for disputes in a marriage involving two well-meaning people: The breakdown of communication.Now when I say there’s a breakdown of communication, I’m not referring to men needing to let forth a gushy torrent of emotion to their wives.  Rather, what I’m talking about more closely aligns with the “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus” principle.  Men and women have completely different languages that coincidently consists of the exact same words.  You can probably imagine how this could lead to some problems within a marriage.

As I see it, men typically communicate from a more utilitarian perspective.  What we say it usually what we mean.  Women, however, don’t follow this rule and will often say one thing, but mean something else entirely.

For example, let’s translate what men and women actually mean when they say “I have nothing to wear.”

  • Men (translated): “I have nothing clean to wear.”
  • Women (translated): “I have nothing new to wear.”

Another, more comical, example is the expression “I’m fine.”

  • Men (translated): “I’m fine.”
  • Women (translated): “I’m not fine, but I’m going to tell you that I am while I skulk around the house giving you death stares until you finally get what I’m so pissed about!”

While the translations for each sex can go on and on, the key principle you need to understand is that men and women view the world and communicate from perspectives that are alien to each other.

The author of the book Love & Respect calls this the blue and pink glasses phenomenon and expands it to include blue and pink megaphones as well as hearing aids.  Men see, hear, and speak from a blue perspective while women see, hear, and speak from a pink perspective.

When a man says or does something, it’s coming from a blue perspective, but the woman is going to interpret it from a pink perspective.  The same also works in reverse.  This doesn’t mean you can’t learn to interpret and speak the “foreign language,” but it requires a good deal of effort and diligence.

Let’s take the “I’m fine” response we looked at earlier and apply it to a situation that might take place in real life (I know it does, because I’ve personally experienced it):

The husband is sitting on the couch, relaxing after a long day of work.  He’s tired, but not in a bad mood; just chilling.  The wife, meaning well, asks him if he’s alright to which he replies with a short “I’m fine.”  This immediately raises red flags for the wife because she interpreted the “I’m fine” from a pink perspective.

“Are you sure you’re ok?” she asks.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” (Oh shit, he said it again.  He must be super pissed!)

“Nothing’s wrong?”

“Nope.”

“Everything ok?”

(Now he’s starting to get annoyed.) “Yes…”

“Are you mad at me?”

“I’m getting there!”

And they’re off to the races!  All over a simple breakdown of communication.  As your marriage goes on, you’ll begin to naturally learn some of the ways your wife communicates to you that seem counter intuitive and she will learn some of the basics with you as well.  That being said, the individual’s “native tongue (blue/pink)” will always have first crack at any attempts to communicate with their spouse, be it verbal or expressive, and if they aren’t diligently monitoring their own thoughts to make sure they’re interpreting what is actually being said, a simple phrase or joke could come across as a scathing insult.

Men, if you decide to work on this series with your wife, I highly suggest you sit down with here and have a heart-to-heart regarding what we’re discussing here.  Better yet, buy the book and read through it with her.  There’s a LOT that I’m not covering here that’s in the book.  Talk to her and agree to give each other the benefit of the doubt when it comes to potentially loaded or insulting phrases.

If something comes up, instead of immediately resorting to anger and hostility, ask them point blank “That came across as disrespectful(men)/unloving(women).  Did you actually intend it to come across that way?”

Yes, this does sound a bit corny, but opening up this way accomplishes a few things.

First, it opens a line of honest communication.  You’re putting yourself out there to determine if there’s a problem and if so, are willing to work through it.

Second, It allows you to begin understanding your spouse’s “language” and determine when they are being intentionally malicious towards you and when you are simply misinterpreting their meaning.

Finally, it provides feedback for your spouse.  Your wife might not even realize something she does or says comes across as disrespectful.  As you’re learning her language, she’s also learning yours.  Win-win!

Now I must emphasize that this process works best if both of you are onboard.  If you start asking questions like this out of the blue, your wife will probably give you a puzzled look, so sit down with her and openly discuss what was covered in Part 1 of this series (link at the top).

Takeaways

  1. Men see the world through blue tinted glasses, hear it with blue hearing aids, and speak using a blue megaphone.
  2. Women see the world through pink tinted glasses, hear it with pink hearing aids, and speak using a pink megaphone.
  3. Learning and speaking your spouse’s “native language” can help you greatly improve your marriage.

Author: Jak

Jak, married and father of three, seeks to help the Red-Pill Community take its next step past the petty cynicism and ineffectual anger. While he recognizes that men are significantly handicapped by the modern legal system and culture, he doesn't accept that traditional marriage is untenable in today's social climate. Rather, men must be willing to adapt to this new world by implementing new tactics and approaches to maintaining a balance of power. Jak is here to provide you with these lessons.

  • Sir Lee

    20 years ago I read “men are from Mars…” at a time when I had extreme abundance of women. I explained to my best girl that she should read it as it explains men’s behavior.
    She said: “I’m not reading anything written by a man”.
    Note I said – it explains “men’s behavior “—didn’t matter – – didn’t care.
    She found someone to wife her up, and has 3 kids; which is awesome compared to most women I know, from that period.
    She is on Facebook — all day every day with anti-trump – feminist nonsense.

    “That came across as disrespectful(men)/unloving(women). Did you actually intend it to come across that way?”
    I went to couples counseling – fucking mostly cringe and joint task force against me. But, one thing was reasonably useful was to say:
    “what I heard you say is…”
    However it involves 2 “well-meaning people”, and often this is not the case, especially with borderlines, and 100s of waiting men.
    I realize many here have great traditional marriages, but here in NYC seems to be getting worse (and I’m getting way older)…
    So, may be $400 per relationship for me from now on. @AutomaticSlim is giving me the NYC-guide

    • Bart Manson ✓ᵂʰᶦᵗᵉ

      I realize many here have great traditional marriages, but here in NYC seems to be getting worse

      Cities in general are getting worse in all sorts of ways, not just women. Cities are liberal havens and they show it.

      The women out in the country are not perfect by any means, but overall they are much better than the women in cities.

      I moved out to a small town in central Florida, and it’s night and day with the last couple of cities I lived in, in all facets of life.

      • AutomaticSlim

        But how about work?
        I get the impression its tough to find good jobs in small towns.
        I suppose if you can work remotely that is optimal. City money & small town living.

        • Bart Manson ✓ᵂʰᶦᵗᵉ

          I drive 75 mins to work. I also get to work from home one or two days a week.

          But even if I had to drive 90 or 120 mins every day, it would be worth it. Once you’re home, you’re home and living in a nice town with decent people is worth the drive, in my opinion.

          • bem

            Fuk that with a whiffle-ball bat….
            Commutes are just time-served in purgatory.

      • Sir Lee

        The big cities are addictive- love hate relationship. So much opportunity.
        The small town i was in was worse bad attitude and limited opportunities.

      • I have begun thinking it’s a lot more simple. Here in the city having children is an absurd and unnecessary hobby. It’s incredibly expensively and other than ego they serve no purpose. Children being unnecessaey means marriage is unnecessary. If marriage and children are unnecessary both men and women tend to just go about the business of enjoying themselves and one another. In a small rural area this is different.

        • Sir Lee

          Good thing is never ending supply of tourists.
          Im utilizing woodyallenmet game today.

      • bem

        Women move to the cities specifically in pursuit of some pre-conceived tv-bred fantasy of the ‘me years’ they feel so entitled to… No wonder.

        • AutomaticSlim

          Yeah, the “me years”.
          For “sluttis americanus” that means getting banged doggy style by the “bad boy of the week” while puking in the toilet.
          Oh, what fun.

          • bem

            39 and “i’m not ready to settle down”…..

    • AutomaticSlim

      Re: the NYC-guide.
      And there’s plenty more where that came from…

    • UWOTM8

      Cities are festering pits of the worst kind of humanity.
      I can fire up the ol’ Tinder and see the difference in girls between the nice, local ones from college and the degenerate, green haired skanks downtown…

      • AutomaticSlim

        Never tried Tinder.
        How are the age ranges there?
        Are the young ones willing to “hookup” (hey, I’m using a “hip” word) with guys 20-30 years older? I tried Match and that was a total waste of time and money.

        Of course, I would need to ditch my flip phone…

        • UWOTM8

          Tinder is the original app and there are thousands of people on it in any given city. All the others are knockoffs full of spambots.
          Who knows, configure your settings and find out?
          There are some shockingly loose chicks on there, maybe.

        • cheeseburgercheeseburger

          you need a facebook account in order to use tinder. Im not linking a hookup app to my actual fb profile, too many bad things could come of it

          • AutomaticSlim

            I don’t have (or like) facebook.
            Something about the owner. Have a “bad feeling” about that guy.

            • cheeseburgercheeseburger

              they are rolling out a new algorithm(if that is what youd call it, you are the tech guy) which will supposedly detect if peoples’ posts imply they are suicidal…assume they will contact the proper “authorities” if your posts tick all the boxes…force feed you antidepressants, etc…what could possibly go wrong there?

              • AutomaticSlim

                Another reason for me to not use it…

              • That makes me sad. Very sad. I don’t know if I can go on. Hold on, someone at my door.

                • B1k3_Ch41N

                  ***Ding Dong*** Here’s your stuffed crust pizza and B&J icecream, Mr Suicidal!

                  • I didn’t know Phizer made pizza

                    • cheeseburgercheeseburger

                      well Bayer bought monsanto, so youre not too far off

                    • B1k3_Ch41N

                      Bayer? Do you mean IG Farben?

                    • cheeseburgercheeseburger

                      yeah

                    • bem

                      And see a physician if the crust stays crispy for more than 4 hours….

                • cheeseburgercheeseburger

                  ha!

              • Consolation_of_Philosophy

                They already have algorithms to detect all manner of wrongthink. Suicide prevention is just a good way to start a public rollout.

              • bem

                Brilliant idea!!!!!!
                Gee I wonder what they’ll be prescribing/selling to a bem……
                shit better be deep fried I can tells ya!

        • Bollockser

          All dating sites are well past their prime.
          OKC is overrun with trannies, fatasses, and women who pretend they are some made up gender or orientation combination not sanctioned by Nature. POF is slightly less worse but in the past few years there has been a marked decline in both the quality of women and their ability to engage in a real conversation, on any dating site. The facebook generation has finally set in, and these girls have abysmal social skills and are only concerned with attention-whoring and collecting as many orbiters as possible. Being the best man in any measurable or intangible regard doesnt matter, modern women want quantity over quality. Tinder has ruined other dating sites, as now women have to put in Zero effort whatsoever conversationally and you can’t even contact them unless it’s a mutual match, which is pretty stupid since many of the girls I ended up banging were ones I continually pestered until they gave in.

          • AutomaticSlim

            “… many of the girls I ended up banging were ones I continually pestered until they gave in.”

            Continuous pestering?
            Now that sounds like a good strategy.

      • Sir Lee

        Its like the popukation has bigercated into fitties and faties.
        And some fitness women are nasty.
        Pool of hotties is getting shallower.

        • UWOTM8

          The bifurcation is real.
          Oh, you mean the “slaaaay queens” who show up to the gym in a crop top and full makeup so they can do five squats and take 20 instagram pictures in the yoga room?

          • Sir Lee

            Doubt they go to gym- waddling beanbag people

      • Sir Lee

        But tinder? Nice? Perhaps look nice, but cock carousel

        • UWOTM8

          Hahaha it’s all relative at this point.
          The ones who try to conceal it versus those who gave up trying to even look decent.

      • Jak

        I spoke with a man from NY yesterday and his description supports your assessment. Women marry much later there than they do down here in TN. He said it was pretty much the norm for women to wait to marry until their 30’s. Meanwhile down here, at least outside Nashville (dunno how it plays out in Nashville), most women are either married or looking to settle down by early to mid 20’s. My wife and I got married when I was 24 and she 23.

        • UWOTM8

          Very much what I observe. Many of my contemporaries are marrying their college sweethearts or having their first kid right now. Ages 23-24. Unfortunately I pissed my college dating away on a few emotionally unstable trainwrecks due to blue pill conditioning.
          Prospects are a lot rougher out of that setting.

        • AutomaticSlim

          NYC area is ridiculous.
          Overheard a couple of guys talking on the train ride home a few months ago. They looked to be in their 40s, a few years younger than me, but they looked older than me. The shorter one had recently gotten married. He was telling his friend that his wife was now pregnant. The friend made a comment like “wow, that was fast” and the short guy said, “well, she is 42”. Yuck. Can you imagine? I’d like to see that guy at 50, divorced, living in a crappy studio, and paying child support & alimony. Why on earth would a middle aged guy with what I assume is a good job do that to himself? I will never understand that.

          • Jak

            I couldn’t imagine having a kid at that age. Just think, by the time your kid gets out of high school, you’re 60! Have a lot of kids when you’re young and can still keep up with them.

            • AutomaticSlim

              The little schlub was most likely so happy to wife up, he was willing to let her have the kid right off the bat. I don’t wish anything bad on anyone, but once she hits menopause, the “I don’t love him anymore” is likely to kick in, and Daddio will be in sh*tsville.

            • Beartastico

              Imagine being 60+ and dealing with all the crap a typical early 20’s child entails. I know how I was and fuck that.

            • John Galt

              I know a guy whose wife was barren and they adopted at 50. Their daughter is 22 now and out of control and they are completey to old and tired to deal with her. She is unmarried with 2 brats from unknown fathers and just got out of jail last I heard.

            • Sir Lee

              damn thats what I will be.
              and I intend to have more…

              • AutomaticSlim

                Somehow I think you will be able to pull it off, though.
                You just might be the exception.

                • Sir Lee

                  thanks man. I reckon you can too. Perhaps a trip to Philippines!
                  edit:
                  ok – may be not a great idea.
                  but trip to SE Asia is!

            • Sir Lee

              There are no moms below 30 at my kids NYC school.
              35 – 41 mostly.
              at 45 I was competitive triathlete – did many miles with jogging stroller in Central Park. gotta stay in shape!
              but, most of the women I know – and see – did not have any kids – just notches and pets

          • Thefourhorstmann

            42, wow thats just asking for a down syndrome or otherwise retarded kid.

    • Jak

      You hit the nail on the head with one statement. The couple in question must both be well-meaning people. If you got a well-meaning husband, but a wife who just doesn’t give a shit about the marriage and is intent on divorcing him, them no amount of counseling/guidance is going to save the marriage. I’ll be emphasizing this point more on the final part of this series along with answering any pertinent questions posed by the commenters here.

  • Stoic Nihilist

    I refuse to read anything on weekends.
    Except memes. I’ll read memes all day.
    Also, fuck Frank Grimes.

  • Bollockser

    Theres not much, if any, “tint” in men’s glasses, we tell it like it is.
    Communication problems are mainly caused by women’s instinctive need to deflect, distort, deceive.
    Reality vs Fantasy, Logic vs Emotion, Courage vs Cowardice, Integrity vs Fraud.
    Women need to be led, not met somewhere halfway in the middle between reality and fantasy.

    • Jak

      You are, for the most part, correct but so are the points I’ve made in my article. Men and women learning to decipher what the other sex is saying isn’t “meeting them halfway.” It’s simply understanding what they truly mean.

      • Bollockser

        Agreed, just dont think men need much deciphering since most of us are forthright and direct, so it’s mainly the man’s burden to decipher what a woman is really saying. Pretty scary how when you tell a woman something and she repeats it to a 3rd party, and you hear your original statement totally twisted, distorted and out of context when it comes back to you.

        • Jak

          True, but you’re forgetting one key issue with “interpreting men”: female solipsism. Yes, men often say what they mean, but it takes a lot of diligent effort on the part of a woman to overcome the knee-jerk response of translating it from a “pink” perspective, primarily because they operate from a emotional foundation. If something upsets their feelz, it takes even more effort for them to take a step back and assess the situation objectively.

          As for your second point, that’s why it is key to marry someone who will respect you. That kind of bullshit from a wife or LTR is unacceptable.

  • One of the smartest things I’ve ever heard about the male/female dynamic was from frequent contributor @boothe

    He told me that it is true that women mature faster than men however what people don’t say is that they stop maturing at about 18.

    • Jak

      Indeed. Men finish maturing, what, in their mid-twenties?
      Women tout this as some achievement that they are superior, but what they fail to realize is it’s like forcing an unripened fruit to ripen using chemicals (like what most superstores do). Sure, it’s ripe, but it doesn’t have the same quality as one left to ripen on the vine.

      • I think men mature much later. I feel, in my 40’s, that I have not finished learning and maturing

        • Jak

          That raises an interesting question:

          I wonder if men continuously mature throughout their older age, or if they stop maturing in their mid-twenties and then go through a second “growth spurt” in their forties, what we call a “midlife crisis.”

          • Could be. I don’t have the mind for big psychological questions. But this is a street thing.

        • Sir Lee

          So true

        • AutomaticSlim

          I’m not even close to “maturing” and I believe I am at least 5 or 6 years older than you. Being somewhat “immature” has its pluses and minuses. But even if I do start to “mature”, I can’t ever picture myself with an old bag. I just can’t. So that part will remain “immature” forever, I guess.

          • I totally agree. The problem is that this doesn’t answer the more important question….who had Frankie Pantangelli killed?

            • AutomaticSlim

              Killed? His own honor.
              Attempted murder? Roth, definitely. IMO, of course.

              • bem

                Totally Roth – while trying to frame Micheal.

            • bem

              I didn’t give the order….

          • Sir Lee

            Thats just sensible

          • MCGOO

            “Maturity” is inaccurate describing a woman. “Wore out” is what they become. A wise old breeder grandma can hold and maintain her quality personna but once her mind goes, then she too becomes wore out. In the end she still deserves a proper burial for being a traditional loyal servant to the grandfather and for being a productive metriculator of fruits on her branch of the family tree. As opposed to the single mother or divorce rapist who can be properly recycled beneath the fescue or mulch pile. A lot is riding on keeping it respectable ladies.

            • AutomaticSlim

              “A lot is riding on keeping it respectable ladies.”

              They just don’t see it though, do they?

          • bem

            I keep redefining it, this maturity remains unattainable…

        • Sir Lee

          I reckon City men’s maturity increases from 27-45 assuming typical income/fitness raises. Then falls of a cliff at 54

        • John Galt

          True, but you never stop learning. That continues to the grave.

      • Consolation_of_Philosophy

        Men also reinvent themselves in meaningful (and diverse) ways more often, with each reinvention having its own maturation period. Women are less likely to have this experience of change, and the patterns are more predictable when they do.

        • Jak

          Men reinventing themselves sounds like a good article for you to write about. Just saying! 🙂

          • Consolation_of_Philosophy

            Noted!

    • MCGOO

      Their emotional maturing stops after their rush of puberty hormones subside – around 14+. After that age the female will get into bloody cat fights with her own mother, and the mother will go at it with her like the mother herself were a 14-15 yo. They’re not being immature as much as they suffer from the proper mitigation of the younger member’s hormones. The 15 yo girl suffers acute baby rabies but she’s forced by the mother to suppress her natural calling and the mother buys into the western lie to pack all the breeding age white females away to the academic brainwashing and indoctrination system. The system encourages the full 18 yrs of behaviour training and sterility lifestyle management.

      • Sir Lee

        Thats what we need to hear.
        I have 2 more years of peace.
        Meanwhile i watched “gone with the wind” movie with her.
        Was great.
        Rhett was introduced as having taken a lady on a carriage ride without a chaperone.
        Ladies: Whisper whisper- no, but she is ruined nevertheless.
        I explained that to my daughter juxtaposed with modern women like my ex gf- 20 years on cock carousel

        • Marius Aetius Lucullus

          before i had seen GWTW i thought it was a chick flick & quickly wrote it off, but one day (and half the night, ’tis a long bloody movie!) i sat through the whole thing, wow, talk about shocked, Clark Gable was fantastic in that movie, pretty much everything that men round here (and over on the other site) say about the true nature of women can be found in that movie.

          • Sir Lee

            Yes mate,
            Should be Required watching. Before it is banned
            “Frankly my dear…”

    • Bart Manson ✓ᵂʰᶦᵗᵉ

      Women have to mature earlier, they have an earlier peak.

      Throughout human history, women’s biggest asset was their fertility. Peak fertility is around 22 I think. Women were often married off at ages as young as 13 or 14 because their husband wanted as many children as possible.

      Men peak later. Throughout history, men’s biggest asset was our productivity and ability to provide resources. Men can continue to earn more resources well into their old age, especially nowadays.

      This is why in most of world history older men married younger women. It’s why the sight of a 75 year old millionaire guy with a 20 year old chick makes sense to most people innately, but the opposite is viewed as bizarre by people of both sexes.

      Their biggest asset peaked at 22. Our’s peaks much later.

    • bem

      Women and children can afford to be careless….