In Memoriam

We all have major points in our lives, “pivots” as it were, where a major, often tragic, event happens and our live is turned in a completely different direction. December 21, 2017 is the two-year anniversary of one of those events for me.

Today I will be putting a rose on the grave of Evelyn Grace, the young daughter of one of my best friends. Having no kids of my own, I enjoy spending time with the kids of my friends and family. It lets gives me a taste of fatherhood and motivates me to work towards a family of my own. Whenever I would visit my friend and hang out with him and his wife, I would hold Evelyn, make faces at her and she would smile and wrinkle her big forehead (inherited from her father), and occasionally rock her to sleep on my shoulder. In many ways I loved her like she was a daughter of my own.

She was only 6 months old when she suddenly died in her sleep. Her dad had put her down for the night and found her dead in her crib when he checked on her a couple hours later. I can only assume that God had decided that he wanted her more than we did. There was nothing anyone could have done for her and no long drawn-out disease for anyone to suffer through. One minute she fell asleep and the next minute she was looking at the face of Christ. The only regrets anyone had was that they hadn’t spent as much time as they wanted with her. One week I was carrying her around, and the next I was looking at her tiny body in a casket.

Funerals are about the only time it is permissible for a man to cry. There were a lot of tears at Evelyn’s funeral. Her grandfather, my pastor, did the service and sang “The Anchor Holds” at the end. I certainly added my share of the tears and did my best to comfort my friend. I even promised to be with her if I beat him to Heaven, a promise I still take seriously.

It was the drive after the funeral that was the start of a major pivot. Like most of you, the only loved ones who had died were my grandparents and the older relatives of friends who had all lived a full life and were ready to go. I had very little to look forward to beyond this life. Death is not something to be feared when you have received the salvation of Christ, but I viewed it as a retirement home. Something that is inevitable and a pleasant place to live in eternity, but not something to savor and desire in the present. Death was something to be avoided until necessary, not something to be embraced. But once I had someone I was aching to see again, I became indifferent towards death. Indeed I embraced my coming departure from this world. I learned first-hand what Paul had meant when he said:

For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain. If I am to live in the flesh, that means fruitful labor for me. Yet which I shall choose I cannot tell. I am hard pressed between the two. My desire is to depart and be with Christ, for that is far better. But to remain in the flesh is more necessary on your account.

Philippians 1:21-24 ESV

I had prayed the prayer of Elijah and Tobit and asked for death. God said no, that He had a lot of things that He was going to use me for. So I asked that whenever He was done with me, that He’d take me quickly, and He accepted that. And God has used me in ways I couldn’t have imagined since then. When you don’t care if you live or die, you become a lot more bold and take more risks.

I attended an ROK meetup hosted by a guy named Jak. I left my job and travelled around (meeting a guy named J Nyx along the way). I built the SJWList and took flak from the SJWs (becoming the Cynic In Chief in the meantime). I even stood in the middle of angry protestors at the RNC and calmly took death threats at a Black Lives Matter march at the DNC. When you place your life in the hands of God, you can do things that the old you would never have done. When you have looked death in the face you can adopt a ZFG attitude that let you do what others are afraid of doing and enjoy what life you have more richly than before.

This Christmas, enjoy every moment you can with your loved ones. Whether it’s your children, your spouse, or even yourself, everyone will die sooner or later. Find salvation in Christ, for he offers both a hope for eternity and a purpose for this life. Say a prayer for my friend and his wife, they are still grieving. Learn to embrace death and live life. Even if you haven’t been through the kind of trial that directly teaches it at a fundamental level, at least learning it at an intellectual level will help you have that boldness and ZFG attitude.

Lord, thank you for giving us each day here and though your Son an eternity with You. Evelyn, we miss you and look forward to seeing you again in eternity.

There is neither happiness nor misery in the world; there is only the comparison of one state with another, nothing more. He who has felt the deepest grief is best able to experience supreme happiness. We must have felt what it is to die, Morrel, that we may appreciate the enjoyments of living.

Live, then, and be happy, beloved children of my heart, and never forget that until the day when God shall deign to reveal the future to man, all human wisdom is summed up in these two words: Wait and Hope.

The Count of Monte Cristo

252 thoughts on “In Memoriam”

  1. 65 years ago, my dad’s younger sister died that same way, cribdeath, after only a few weeks of life. I didn’t learn about my deceased aunt until I was in my early twenties — one of those family secrets — but it definitely changes people. They say it took the sparkle out of my grandmother’s eyes.

  2. “Funerals are about the only time it is permissible for a man to cry.”

    I hate that this is a thing. Since starting the whole family thing I’ve found myself crying a lot more at random damn times, but now I’m proud of it.

    Anyway, sorry for your loss. I’m sitting here on the couch at 5 am, with my four day old on my lap, watching Lock Up on Netflix while mom tries get some sleep after being a milk spout all night long, and can’t imagine losIng him.

    Aaaaaaand now I’m crying.

    1. Alaska time eh? Congrats on the new kid. I remember you saying you were expecting.

      No shame in crying, it if is for the right reasons. Huge acts of self sacrifice and love get me going at times. If a man is crying for self centered reasons like they got hurt or something, then they are being a baby.

      1. I am odd about this. I almost never cry. Funerals, hospitals, personal loss or physical pain then one day I will be watching some fucking toyota commercial and just start balling for no reason.

        1. right? Sometimes war movies too, for me. NEVER cry at funerals, etc, unless someone else (like a kid for instance) is.

            1. the Godfather’s funeral where Tessio betrayed Michael but they thought Clemenza was the traitor?

                1. why didn’t he give him one last chance like old times sake? Does that means Tessio fucked The Don over at some point before that?

            1. That is why I’d rather be cremated or left to decay in the woods. It was good enough for that cunt in jr high who wasn’t into me….

              1. To my sister’s dismay, my nieces learned this one by heart back in the 90’s. That’s what funcles are for, right?

              2. To my sister’s dismay, my nieces learned this one by heart back in the 90s. That’s what funcles are for, right?

        2. Same. My close close blood relatives started dying off while I was young, so every year or so I was at a close relatives funeral for over 20 years. After a while a funeral or death in the family doesn’t seem to have the same effect it once had. Now at times I can watch some silly movie and almost get misty eyed over it. WTF?
          To lose a child though, would be about as bad as it could get.

        3. Speaking of crying and physical pain, inspired by you, I bought a jump rope and once I re-learned how to use it, I spent the next three days in pain and trying to walk. Good times.

    2. Its fine to cry if loved ones are sick or in pain. Blubbering out of a sense of helplessness is fine. Hell, I lost it when I had to put my cat down 2 months ago.
      Congrats on the kid btw

        1. English I assume(didnt click)? Are there any good english comedians anymore? Or do you send us your rejects like John Oliver

          1. It’s not john oliver, it;s jimmy carr and dont act like the US with its 300 million population can come up with any better comedians.

            1. I think its more like 340 million actually. We had some great comedians up until a few years ago. check out the old Comedy Central “Tough Crowd” episodes, they are online

    3. In public I think is the context he meant, although I can’t presume to speak for Cynic. Crying at special moments in private is perfectly acceptable, it’s the “cry in public” thing that is off putting. I’m of the mind that funerals and when your pet dog dies are the only time it’s ok for a man to shed tears in public. The rest, save for inside the house.

        1. Yeah, I know that I shed a tear when Mayweather beat down that little Irishman, lol.

        1. False. If your mother or father dies, it’s fine to shed a tear at the funeral, to no do so means you’ve raped your soul of all of its humanity. I choose to be a human being, albeit, one that doesn’t feel public crying is acceptable 99.9% of the time.

          1. bs. if my mom or dad dies, they’ll be far too dead to care about anything. me crying would only make me look like a wuss.

            1. My post stands unaltered. You don’t cry to assuage them, they’re dead. You cry because you have feelings for your creators, your mother and father. If you can’t acknowledge and feel so deeply about those that gave you life, that you can’t stop caring what others think you look like, then you need to grow more as a man and human being.

              Beyond that, and a dog dying though, crying in public is simply unacceptable.

              1. i see nothing wrong i keeping my feelings to myself. and did you just equate a persons parents with an animal?

                1. You’re doing it because you care how others will perceive you. That’s never a good motivation for doing or not doing things. I did not equate them to an animal insofar as saying they are animals, rather, I suggested that dogs are family, and the only animal capable of being such.

                  1. Your comment just rekindled whatever little is left of my humanity. I sincerely thank you for changing my life.

                2. Emotional bonds can exist between people and pets. I’d sell my mother in an instant if it meant an extra month for any of mine.

            2. These are the people who changed your diapers, hugged you everyday, and would have sacrificed their own lives for you….you got to be kidding me.

        2. Oh I don’t know. Let’s say a bus with a bunch of lawyers and politicians in it goes off a bridge and everyone drowns. Then you find out there were empty seats. That wouldn’t bring a tear to your eye?

      1. my buddy cried when the twice divorced 48 year old single mom rejected his love. I’m crying for him, it just baffles me.

        1. wait, isnt this the guy you told to not wife up the woman, and he stormed out? she didnt want to marry him?!!?!

          1. yeah, I was looking at her facebook, and she had posted something about being confused and he took the day off on Monday. I am guessing he proposed his undying love and she actually rejected him.

            1. wow…just wow…cant believe she thinks she find something better at that advanced age lol

              1. and He’s a Kansas farm boy with a family that is worth a few million, a sprint car racer with an engineering degree and no kids.

                1. He needs to leave the country for a few months and sample foreign goods. Jammy is right about SA women though.

              2. They all do man, these days. Facebook orbiters and white knights keep them blissfully unaware of their true market value.

                1. someone should create a “Mirror, mirror, on the wall…” mirror(looking at you Disney, manufacture in Myanmar) that is activated with that phrase and connects to social media…see the knights fawn over m’lady in near-real time

            2. Hey! She can do better, at 48, post wall, with somebody else’s kid in tow! Just ask her!

              1. according to him, she’s into big muscular military type guys, who own boats and are entrepreneur. Yeah, and I am sure those type of guys are waiting for her too!

              2. You ever wonder if they come to the realization of ” I’m fucked and can’t wait on someone else to bail me out.”.

                1. Dallas, Texas is a fairly short plane flight to Colombia. Can we show these bozos what they’re missing?

                  FFS, Venezuelans are desperate to escape their country, by any means necessary. And many of those women are super hot. Do I need to spell it out any further?

                  1. Venezuelans are desperate to escape their country, by any means necessary.

                    Must be due to all that unrestrained capitalism their government insists on practicing.

                    1. Nationalizing five or six major sectors of the economy, the way Chavez did, was ludicrous. Don’t paint me as a socialist.

                      You did forget to mention the oil bust, however. When most of a country’s economy depends on high barrel prices, any global decrease in those prices tends to hit that country disproportionately hard.

                    2. And so did every other middle east country not in an active war. Venezuela died due to socialism. Pure and simple.

                    3. For you, the bad guy, in any discussion, is always socialism. “Pure and simple” sums up the depth of your thinking about this stuff.

                      Life isn’t that pure or simple, GoJ. When you’d like to drop your guard and take a more nuanced look at socioeconomic issues, let me know.

                    4. He just defines “socialism” to mean anything and everything done by a government. That’s what he means by “nuance.”

                    5. YOU FUCKING LIAR! The Police is one of my favorites 80s bands of all time, right behind Duran Duran!

                    6. You can’t compare the two. Only 8% of our GDP is oil and natural gas. Venezuela’s oil alone accounts for 50% of its GDP and 95% of its exports.

                  2. My friend is so obsessed with his Sprint Car and trying to find “the love” of his life, that he won;t ever go, even though he knows what he can get down there. Any tips for me for when I go to Colombia? Where to stay? What to do? Where to find the hotties?

                    1. I hear that coffee picking is all the rage down there. You should give it a try. Look up one Juan Valdez, he’ll get you started.

                    2. Too much to write. If you like whiter Spanish girls, go to Medellin or Bogota or Bucaramanga. If you like mixed creole girls with lots of booty, go to Cali. If you like dark-skinned girls, stick to the coast — Cartagena, Barranquilla, Santa Marta.

                      Stay at least a few weeks. Escalate quickly. If you’re 6’2″ w blonde hair blue eyes like me, it’s like shooting fish in a barrel. Don’t use alpha game, don’t use negs; instead, use polite but masculine beta game instead. Age difference doesn’t matter much, particularly in Medellin. You can easily swoop 15 years younger.

                      If I were to go back, I’d head to Bogota, just because of the sheer numbers of women. It’s also a bit more sophisticated. Medellin is kind of blown out, too many gringos from all over the world flocking there. But the weather there is really nice, and it’s easy living, and the women are jaw-dropping.

                      Spanish: You need intermediate level Spanish. Don’t go as a beginner, but neither do you need to be totally fluent.

                    3. I’m a 5’10” Italian / Eastern European with a constant 5 o’clock shadow looking guy , with a cut soccer player physique and I dress professionally , suit . Don’t think I would stand out like you .

                    4. The suit and the stubble will help a lot. I know a Argentine guy who looks just like you, and he was cleaning up so much in Medellin that he moved there 5 yrs ago. Now he’s got a stunning girlfriend. Then again, Argentines have high social status all over S.A.

                    5. “Age difference doesn’t matter much, particularly in Medellin. You can easily swoop 15 years younger.”

                      Hmmmm….I suppose that would mean 36/37 yos for me.

            3. Any man who is seriously considering marrying a woman like that doesn’t have a whole lot of common sense. Perhaps she realized that if he was that much of a beta simp he isn’t good marriage material…even for her.

              1. Along the lines of “I’d never join a club that would have me as a member”?

                1. He bragged about “how logical she was” .. here are some of his quotes “She’s all into fishing and I’m into racing, we won’t need each other constantly.” “My game is working on her it takes skills to be with a logical non-clingy woman, and the sex is great” … “You’re insecure and she looks better than many young girls in their 20s” …

          1. I fuck these older gals when I got nothing better to do and I am taking a break from ripping off whores.

        2. He’s not the first man who had poontang screw up his mind. That stuff ruined some good ones.

      2. You’re halfway right. I meant it in general and I meant that it’s the widely agreed on scenario. I have another exception myself (depression), but some of the other things mentioned (being rejected by loved ones, divorce, etc) are valid too I just haven’t experienced them.

        This does not include getting teary-eyed, that’s OK as long as it doesn’t go too far. I get teary-eyed by a couple of songs (the aformentioned “The Anchor Holds” and “Save A Place For Me”) and by the election of Trump, but that’s about it.

        The reason for this rule could be a whole article, but in short women have a much harder time controlling their emotions so they rely on the strength and stoicism of their man to keep them steady. Crying like a little bitch over anything short of something major shatters the ability for you to be their rock they can cling to.

        1. I’m speaking strictly “in public”. I’m not saying that there aren’t valid reasons to cry in general.

    4. I tend to grieve outside of the funerals. Not sure why. Putting my old dog down made me cry. I teared up seeing my children born. I think these are all acceptable manly cries. Not so much because your team didn’t win or other similar nonsense.

      1. I’ve found that, since having children, stories of children being abused or dying impact me. Before kids it was an academic understanding but now it seems like my protective instinct applies those situations to my kids and I can feel the pain.

        I’ve listened to the version of Hamilton that’s on Spotify and there is a part where his son is killed in a duel and the song after that gets me every time.

        1. Little 2 year olds wandering in the woods alone at night stories really, really, really bother me (there have been a few the last couple of years). Fucking terrifying to my soul for some reason.

          1. I was listening to a horror podcast and there was a story where a couple had a new baby and something was after it. I just knew the kid would be killed in some gruesome way so I skipped the whole episode. Couldn’t take it

            1. Killing children as Spectacle is one of the more recent tabboos shed by Hollywood. “Hunger Games” anyone?

                1. well sometimes we all gotta kick a little ass to make things run right.
                  Its the ghouls who pay to watch it happen that need to be extinguished.

                  1. I , too, don’t believe in violence against movies in children. For years I
                    paid my people extra to stay away from that sort of stuff, but someone
                    comes along saying, I’ve got snuff films where if you put up a three to four
                    dollar investment, you can watch fifty thousand annoying children put in a woodchipper,
                    then there is no way to resist it. I want to keep it respectable. I
                    don’t want it near schools. I don’t want it sold to children! That’s an infamia. In my city, we’d keep the traffic to the Dark People, the Coloreds – they’re animals anyway, so let them lose their souls.

                    1. Then we are agreed. The traffic in kiddie-snuff films will be permitted, but controlled and WBFitness will give up protection in the East — and there will be the peace.

        2. Same. I used to have that same academic understanding, but now if I hear of a child being abused, murdered, etc, I have a burning anger in me. If the perpetrator were in front of me, I could snuff them out without thinking twice.

    5. Congratulations on the birth of your son! If you mentioned it previously I missed it. You can already relax and watch movies? Sounds like things are going fairly well.. 😉

        1. While this is true by itself, there is a little bit of context missing from my observation: He is doing this with his four day old. We had not yet left the hospital when my daughter was four days old. So I found it a particularly good sign that there were no complications, and everyone was healthy and recovered from the experience rather quick.

          1. one day is standard up as there as there is only 1 hospital (for humans and animals) in the entire state

      1. I hadn’t mentioned it. Right now the kid just sleeps, eats, poops and repeats so my only duties are changing, swaddling, feeding her, and cleaning the house, so I spend a fair amount of have time in front of the tube w the kid in a milk coma in my lap while my wife tries to catch some sleep downstairs.

        This is the honeymoon period. I hear it gets pretty hairy around 6 weeks.

        1. We’re entering the sixth week now, and have nothing unusual or bad to report. Daughter is sleeping well, eating well, her body is starting to stretch out and lose the womb squish, starting to make sounds that don’t end in crying.. all good.

        2. Wouldn’t worry too much. The first few weeks are typically the roughest as they’re waking up to be fed at all hours of the night. All my kids were sleeping almost entirely through the night by the 2nd-3rd month. It really gets hairy when they get old enough to start getting into stuff and making a mess of things.

          1. I took three weeks vacation and my wife’s work gave her two months paid so it’s really not that rough so far. I usually only sleep about 6 hours and wake up naturally at 4 many days, so we can stagger actual sleep. If you were single or had to work, this would be pretty terrible.

            I love changing his little poppy diapers and swaddling him. I’m gettin pretty pro at infant care.

            1. I got sick of changing diapers pretty quickly, but I also had 3 daughters within a 14 month time span (twins when my first daughter was 14 months). Two of the three girls are completely potty trained now and the third is good except for at night (she has special needs so she’s a bit behind her sisters which is why it’s taking a bit longer for her). I joked that I’ll be effectively receiving a raise once all the girls are out of diapers for good.

              1. I’m sure the thrill will wear off but the maintenance really makes me feel like I’m doing something and taking part. I think my wife has changed one diaper so far. Also, I’ve already been peed on. Kid unloaded in his diapers during skin to skin tummy time and soaked me.

                Sounds like you have a handful. I was telling my wife the other day that I appreciated learning on a boy. Just lift up his legs and clean his cute lil butt and balls. Don’t have to worry about directional wiping.

                Special needs has to be tough, but I bet that’s highly rewarding and giving you some insight.

          2. Very true. The hardest part is listening to the wife gripe when you roll over and say “Honey, baby needs fed” and then go back to sleep. The noises an adult female can make are amazing.

  3. Sorry to hear about the death of a child. Not to get theological ,but God doesn’t take people away or intervene . He allows freewill and human interactions to take place including death. He already tried intervention when man was created and after the flood. I doubt God will make a mistake a 3rd time.

      1. Revelations are just the visions that John The Baptist had. The purpose of those visions was to detail that the “Heavens and the Earth fall” but there is also a resurrection (as Jesus’ was resurrected). In every life, there is beginning and there is an end. Sometimes in that life nothing catastrophic happens but just those 2 points. At other times, there are battles between good and evil. The multi headed beast or the evil lamb represents the rise of a Satanic overlord that is worshiped on Earth but is thrown into the Lake of Fire (Hell) later. The apocalyptic crowd seems to think this details the so-called “end times” but it actually describes multiple end times, small and large, not just a singular event. Early on in The Bible, New Testament, it was stated quite clearly “Only He (GOD) knows when the Heavens and the Earth will fall, not even the Son, who sits on His right hand, nor the angels that circle above him” Too many crazies out there who think Revelations is some kind of movie where there is a singular ending to all mankind.

        1. თქვენ ხალხს დიდი ხნის განმავლობაში აკეთებ ქრისტიანობას. თქვენ გაქვთ ღრმა გაგება, რომელიც ძირითადად დასავლეთით არის გაშვებული

      2. Revelations is hogwash. Buncha hallucinations begrudgingly included in the bible to placate western Christian interests who thought Christianity’s role was to scare people into obedience.
        Yeah, no I never read it though.

        1. too many people over analyze it. Revelations just describe the visions of John , which are analogous to Jesus’ life, death, resurrection, and ascension to Heaven.

          1. People over analyze a lot of the Bible which is pretty straight forward like the whole debate of whether or not baptism is needed for salvation. They end up completely forgetting that Jesus is the one who saves

            1. If you believe in The Trinity, the core of Christianity,that’s pretty much all you need , like a passport.

                    1. She’s getting a little long in the tooth and big in the mom jeans, but I still WB just to say I banged Trinity.

              1. In the best book on the trinity (imho) called The Trinity by St. Augustine he has a section where he explains something so very cool
                Augustine takes it on faith that man is made in the image of god and, further, that god is a trinity. This means that the essence of man is the image of a trinity (not a trinity, but an image). Augustine searches the mind to find the image of the trinity in man and sees it in temporarily….the ecstatic relationship between Past-Present-Future constantly flowing into and out of each other, creating and reiterating one another as future becomes present and present becomes past and past establishes the grounding for future. That past present and future are three separate entities yet at the same time can be taken as a unity together, Time, is something Augustine points at as the image of the trinity in man.

                That animals do not have a self referential concept of time in a trinitarian sense of understanding a finite future, being grounded in a self conscious past and being present in the moment all at the same time in an interconnected way furthers his belief that temporarily is the key element of the soul which is a constituent for what it means to be human, i.e., the image of god

                1. Whew, it’s too bad I never ran into you back when I still got high. If I got buzzed and listened to that all night I would wake up cross eyed.

                    1. It just reminded me of some philosophical discussions that my buddies and I used have when hanging out drinking and whatnot. Those talks were nowhere near your level but, we would discuss it all night. It was more on the level of ” what if d-o-g really spelled c-a-t though.

                2. “future becomes present and present becomes past and past establishes the grounding for future. That past present and future are three separate entities yet at the same time can be taken as a unity together,” – one thing God is able to do is bring the past and the future into the present, something no man is capable of doing. It is like reading an article today, with the events in an article being played out as we speak but not knowing it until the very end when you realize it was played out the day you read it.

                    1. You could also go with the episode of The Tick where Proto Clown smashes tick into his own subconscious and, upon finding a pyramid of himself which is his “inner self” where he can ask one question he asks the most philosophical question he can think of…..”How ya doin'” to which the pyramid raises an up pointed thumb. At this point, in order to get back to the world of the living he must figure out the answer to the question “Why am I here” and, of course, at the end of his spiritual journey, he finds the answer “because a big clown hit me”

                    2. He’s got the cheat codes! If he could only tell me if I will win the El Mundo Cup on FIFA 15 Playstation 4.

        2. A lot of people say that revelations and the ending parts of Mark aren’t a part of the Bible. Wasn’t certain parts of mark not found in the original manuscript same as revelations .

          1. how would you know? What about the gospel according to (doubting) Thomas? Book of Enoch? what happened to them?

            1. The Book of Enoch is still around. I read it every now and then to get a rich taste of what heaven is likely to be like.

              The Gospel of Thomas is almost certainly Gnostic, it’s a scrapbook of sayings and stories that mix stuff from the rest of the Gospels with some Gnostic-lite theology. The earliest date for it puts it around 50 years after the last apostle John had died.

  4. Great article; thanks for this. God be with you and your friends in your loss. The little one is indeed in the arms of the King.

  5. Untimely deaths are hard to reconcile. My brother had a wife who died of cancer at 27, leaving him alone with a 2 YO son to take care of. Since then, he remarried and forged ahead. But, it still leaves a hole in his heart. As a religious guy, talking to him as an agnostic, I tried to tell him that she is in a better place, that it is part of Gods plan, that he will see her again someday….it falls on deaf ears. Maybe just being there, listening, and checking on them often is the better route.

    1. It sounds harsh when I say it but, when people die, you grieve and then go on, they’re gone you’re still here , gotta live your life. For some reason some people just can’t let go and it seems to haunt them forever. While I’m certainly sympathetic to them, I’ll never be able to understand.

      1. Harsh is sometimes the way to go. My sister had a boyfriend die in an accident when she was in High School and she took it really hard. after like 2 months of her still being totally mopey about shit i told her to either kill herself or move on. I was obviously doing it a little tongue in cheek because she needed a little kick in the ass, but you are right. If you aren’t going to off yourself then get on back to the job of being alive.

              1. It only goes downhill from there….next thing you know you’re listening to the Cure and dressing like Edward Scissorhands….

          1. Sometimes you will take pills to kill yourself, miscalculate the dosage, and end up just having a good time.

              1. I believe he tried to blow his brains out with a shotgun.
                And somehow failed.

                This was the infamous Judas Priest “Dream Deceiver” suicide attempt. I think he later tried again and succeeded.

  6. Jim there are no words; there is no advice for “dealing with” an event like this. The death of a loved
    one, regardless of relationship, diminishes you forever and any dipshit that says it gets better over time is lying. Like any injury, life goes on but the scar remains.

    Oddly shorty after a child’s funeral last summer I came across this passage from “The Brothers Karamazov”. I’ll leave it here for what it’s worth:

    “Listen, mother,” said the elder. “Once, long ago, a great
    saint saw a mother in church, weeping just as you are over her child, her only
    child, whom the Lord had also called to him. ‘Do you not know,’ the saint said
    to her, ‘how bold these infants are before the throne of God? No one is bolder
    in the Kingdom of Heaven: Lord, you granted us life, they say to God, and just
    as we beheld it, you took it back from us. And they beg and plead so boldly
    that the Lord immediately puts them in the ranks of the angels. And therefore,’
    said the saint, ‘you too, woman, rejoice and do not weep. Your infant, too, now
    abides with the Lord in the host of his angels.’

    One could argue the theological validity all day, but I find it somewhat comforting.

      1. “Damn, I almost feel bad about shit-posting up in here.

        – Ainigmaris Thales, 8 hours ago.

        That didn’t last too long, now did it?

  7. This site has been both blessing and curse for me lately. I’ve shared that my father passed away recently, and many of the articles on here (message to my daughter, choosing your path, lessons I learned from my dad, leaving a legacy, & others) both help me deal with where I’m at in my life but can also lead me into periods of deep introspection and sadness. The last 20 years have been a blessing to have my father still around. He had health issues that lead to surgery in the early 1980’s and at the time he was told he would be lucky to make it another 10-15 years. Every year around this time I would always be grateful that he made it through another holiday season and his early January birthday. This year there is no Christmas at my house. Even typing this I’m fighting back tears as I think of how much the man meant to me. Even at my age these life changing “pivots” happen.

    In 2016 I won a couple awards and was asked to give a speech at a large ceremony in front of a couple hundred people. My motivation for giving the speech was to be able to thank the people that had helped me get to where I am today, first and foremost my father. He wasn’t able to make it to the ceremony due to his age and the snow storm that happened the night before. Speaking to him afterwards he told me how sorry he was he couldn’t be there but also told me “I so damn proud of you kid.” Hearing him verbalize that the way he did means more than anything to me right now. If I can add anything to this article it would be the importance of letting people you care about know just how much they mean to you.

    1. I purposely stayed away from this article for the first part of my day for many of the same reasons you mentioned; these articles can be bittersweet at times. I’ve mentioned previously that my father passed away a few years ago, and I now carry on many of our family traditions. Some of my fondest memories are from when we would cook together around the Holidays. A framed photo of him in full chef uniform and hat sits on my counter next to the range… we still cook together every Christmas. My thoughts are with you. Take care.

    2. I lost my father this summer. He was admitted to the hospital about the time I arrived back in Ohio. We thought it was a lung infection and he would beat it and be out in a week. Visited him and he seemed fine and we bantered. No worries. Wasn’t the case. Within a week he was on the edge. He was put on ventalitor and it was obvious, for me, he wasn’t coming off it. He died the day I departed as I had to get back to work and my own family.

      My job has me doing alot of hours and last week I was finishing up and winding down at the office and thought I would give the old man a call to shoot the shit and stopped … he was gone. It takes time. An old friend of mine, contract CIA spook no less, sent me a heartfelt email and mentioned that he knew what I was going through, just like his own fathers passing 20 years ago, and understood the feeling like “you are truly alone under the sun.” He assured that I*ll get through it, but never over it. Also that you’re the man the sibs and rest of the family looks to for guidance. I am finding that it is all true and a thankless role.

      1. “Also that you’re the man the sibs and rest of the family looks to for guidance”… This is my role as well.

        My condolences on the passing of your father.

        1. Cheers Lou. A Christmas card from my sister arrived yesterday with an old pic of him from 1988 — better days.

  8. Thanks for sharing man. The death of infants is certainly a tough time to go through. It cuts deep when you imagine what their life could have been like. But alas it happens.

  9. Tough post CiC. Loss of a child is something I do not want to even contemplate.

    I agree with your approach regarding faith an ZFG. It liberates you and no fear.

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