Open Thread: Holiday Traditions and Stories

Christmas is upon us and I have always found it amusing what differences each family does for the holidays.  Things like presents, egg nog, and a great meal are pretty standard.   I open up to you guys about a funny but annoying thing that happened last Christmas, an I hope it doesn’t again.

I have one family member who isn’t a bad person, but is an avid marijuana enthusiast.  He’d never smoke around or in front of my family but in his pot head brain, smoked BEFORE coming to my house.   He was in there for about 10 minutes and the whole house reeked of tree, and it wasn’t the one that was decorated.

This will forever be known to me as the Cypress Hill Christmas ( a tune he had on when he pulled up.)

 

What kinds of crazy shit have you guys seen or done at Christmas time?

 

-J. Nyx

Author: Jnyx

Fitness addict, DIY guru, tech nerd, member of Memesters Local 419.

437 thoughts on “Open Thread: Holiday Traditions and Stories”

  1. One of my favorite Christmas memories was when my family and I went up to Frankenmuth, Michigan for Christmas. Being from Tennessee, we don’t get much snow nor very often (flash floods warnings down here today), but EVERY day we were up there, it snowed. We took the kids and played out in the snow that nearly came up to our knees. The whole town looks like it came out of an old-timey Christmas story.
    Beautiful place, perfect Christmas weather, and a fun time spent with my wife and kids.

  2. One year Aunt Bethany came over…she thought the house was on fire(it was the xmas lights) and she asked me if I was gonna throw her down(I wasnt). She wrapped up her damned cat as a gift!
    I lost my mind when I got a Millenium Falcon one year

            1. That girl was every kind of hot. The only other role I saw her in was as the wife of Doctor Octopus in the early 21st century Spider Man (the good one, not the new crappy pc one). She was still quite beautiful for her age.

  3. At the time, 1992, my 22 year old brother invited over his 30 year old cougar divorcee . She bought him 3 pairs of Guess jeans, a Swatch, Air Jordans, and a pair of Ray-Bans. My father turned to him , in front of my mother , and said very casually, “for Easter find me one of these rich divorcees”

          1. If they enjoy it, and the money is theirs because they worked for it, then who cares?

          2. “Only in america would someone invent crack. Only in america would there be a guy walking around the streets of new york city in the 80’s who cocaine wasn’t good enough for”
            -Dennis Leary

  4. Years ago all the men got together and
    “cooked” on Christmas Eve in a barn across the road from our house. We had big barbecue cooker made from a 300 gallon steel tank. Starting before daybreak we built a fire with oak wood then throughout out the day would shovel coals into a door on one end of the cooker. The other end had an expanded metal screen under a door where the meat was placed, hams, Boston butts for Christmas Eve supper then links of venison sausage for breakfast and ribs for lunch along with various sorts of wild game.The only real work required was throwing a log or two on the fire every now and then and shoveling a few coals into the cooker. People from all over would come hang during the day, so we shot targets with rifle/pistol and shot skeet with shotguns and played cards all day. The only timeline was we had was to have the hams and butts done by supper time because we always had a big gathering at the house on Christmas Eve.
    We were all sitting around there BSing one time and by about 2oclock I had myself a good Wild Turkey induced buzz going. I had a big 32 ounce styrofoam cup I was drinking out of and would take sip then sit it on the ground beside me while I was talking ( a lot of trash). I recall mentioning one time how long that last drink I was working on had lasted and just kept getting stronger so I made a little joke about the gift that keeps on giving ( someone had given me a liter of it for Christmas). A little later I reached for the cup for another swig and grabbed someone’s hand. I turned to look and a guy sitting behind me had been adding a little WT to my drink every time after I took a swig. I wound up having to go home about 3 due to being somewhat ill. When I walked in the door my wife asked what was wrong, I told her ” I must have inhaled to much of that smoke Im going to lay down”. I was still a little under the influence of that smoke later that evening at the family gathering.
    I’m sure someone will remind me of that this Christmas Eve because they do EVERY year. Good times.

  5. My half-in-the-bag cousin spectacularly wiped out a snowmobile, dressed in full Santa regalia, with a sack full of presents for the kids in the family. I’ll always remember the sight of those presents hovering 10 feet in the air in the beam of the snowmobile headlight, before floating to the ground, falling snow glittering all around. Magic.

    1. I lived in an apartment bldg. Guy upstairs had santa suit, I was 6 or 7, throwing out the trash, and he comes down the stairs, walks by me, walks back, says “oh hi cheeseburger!” reaches in his sack, gives me a gift, proceeds down the stairs. he also had an unlit cigarette in his mouth

      1. sounds like he was trying to discard evidence. I always thought Christmas morning would be the perfect day to steal people’s shit and hot-wire cars as everyone was too busy opening their gifts and recovering from the Christmas Eve dinner.

          1. yup! my first attempt at this was my own 1989 Buick Skyhawk. Took a screwdriver and plunged it under keyswitch housing going clockwise and popped it out. Then I took Contact 1 terminal stripped it off, did the same to its corresponding contact 1 on the other side, then spliced them with gloves on and boom!

  6. Well with my mother-in-law going back into the hospital with her one lung failing I’m reassured that Christmas will retain its traditions for me.

    Death, Loss and Sorrow are the recurring themes, at least for the past 10 years or so. Generally I
    have the flu for the week of Christmas/New Years, but I was able to get it done early this so I’ll be free for long-haul hospital visits, consoling, etc.

    I’ve always taken the week off which allows plenty of time to reflect on one’s own inevitable, unsung death and the inability to save those around you. Several years ago my Asshole Brother, fresh back from the conquest of Iraq went into the hospital with kidney failure on New Years eve. The following year was a roller-coaster of ineffective cancer treatment and exactly one year later on New Year’s day we buried him in a freezing veteran’s cemetery.
    The next year I was down with the flu when we learned my wife’s cousin died unexpectedly, also at 41 yrs old.

    Christmas was always my Florida dikhead mom’s prime time for begging for money, getting evicted, generally being a pain in the ass, so we spend the week at home flinching every time the phone rings. That seems to be a regular, seasonaltradition.

    The following year we bought a house in the country that turned into an absolute catastrophe on all levels, so that year Christmas was a penniless, somber bout of the flu watching my cat die of colon cancer.

    Shortly before that we had 2 (two!) adoptions fall through, and by 40, 42 yrs old one really has to face the reality of life becoming a one-way dead-end, basically waiting for cancer to snuff out existence entirely, begging the question of whether it was ever there to begin with. We keep the week to be sure we have plenty of time to stare into this abyss.

    1. Sounds like you only ever rolled Black Pete on the Christmas dice.

    2. I know you blameme for your rough luck on christmas — yes. I know what that means to you. I’ll make it up to you Bem. I swear I’ll make it up to you. I’m gonna change — I’ll change — I’ve learned that I have the strength to change. And you’ll forget about these horrible Christmases — and we’ll have a fun christmas — and we’ll go on -you and I. We’ll go on.

    3. Holidays are rough. I just cant share my personal stuff online. Its anonymous, yet I cant do it…

        1. I really don’t want to laugh at this, but I can’t help it. Like church laughs. I keep telling myself to cut it out and it just makes me laugh harder.

      1. Thanks John Galt. Just a rough patch I reckon, but the frequency of such grief around this time of year tends to cast a bit of a pall.

    4. That shit was NOT funny, bem.

      Sorry about your cat, and all that family stuff.
      ..
      Life is for the living, don’t lose focus on what’s important to you, and have fun.

  7. I have mentioned my tradition in the past, but it is something that makes me very happy so here goes.

    My family does a big (between 70-100 people) christmas eve dinner. This requires a lot of food and is a traditional 7 fishes meal. All my life, until his passing, my grandfather made “The Sauce.” For those of you who do not share this particular heritage, the cornerstone of Italian christmas eve dinner is a huge red sauce with various creatures of the sea like shrimp, octopus, calamari and scungilli. There are, of course, dozens of other dishes like bacala and muscles and baked eel and whatever, but the heart of the dinner is “The Sauce.”

    Being his helper all my life, after his passing the making of the sauce went to me. For those of you with no ginzaloon blood, please understand that the importance of this task can not be over stated.

    Because it is so many people the amount of sauce made is 36 quarts. I have a 6.5 quart dutch oven that the sauce is made in. I can’t go bigger due to the restrictions of a NYC kitchen. Each batch of sauce takes a half hour of prep like cooking down onions and garlic etc and 2 hours of simmering. So for 15 hours I am in the house.

    What I do is have fun with it. This year I have invited old friends from when I was growing up. A bunch of real wops, brooklyn accent and all. The names are common enough that I don’t feel i am doxing anyone, but Frankie the Nose, Marco, Skinny Vinny and Cardinio and Ricky will be coming to my house.

    I will lay out prosciutto and cheese, a loaf of semolina, rainbow cookies, cannoli and a panettone. I will have jugs of wine that get poured into water glasses (the water glass for wine is essential) and have my playlists featuring Dean martin, The Rat Pack Christmas and of course Louis Prima.

    I will be wearing a Sergio Tacchini track suit i got off of ebay with a wife beater, a gild necklace with cornicello charm, a pinky ring and bright white sneakers and between the wine and the guys from the old neighborhood expect my voice to be in full on brooklyn ginzo all day and possibly through the holiday. The music, the food, the wine and the sauce cooking on the stove is my day before christmas eve tradition.

    The morning of christmas eve i pack the 6 quarts of sauce, a few octopuses, a lot of shrimp and calamari etc into a wheeling cooler and bring it all to grand central where i take an early morning train up to the hudson valley to deliver the sauce. Around 3 in the afternoon a party begins that will see pretty much the whole town come and go and eat and drink over the course of about 12 hours.

    At midnight my grandmother will bring out meats and cheeses and sausage (because you can eat meat again) and we will all open our gifts in age order. After that it is games like cards against humanity and pretty much a last man standing bacchanal.

    Merry Christmas to all.

    1. Damn, I almost WOP-ODed just reading that! But in all seriousness, I have always wanted to try a seven fishes dinner. Sounds amazing.

  8. Growing up we had Patriarchy Christmas. At the time I didn’t know it was that of course. It was set up and enforced, very rigorously, by my grandmother.

    She’d set out all of the nutcrackers in the front room and fill the dishes with walnuts, nigger toes, pecans, and other assorted nuts. My favorite cracker was the one that looked like a steering wheel on an 18th century ship. She’d buy cases of beer and a couple of bottles of wine, and of course, all of he dinner fixins. Dinner would start being prepared the day before and we’d all enter her house to the smell of heavenly delights. Grandpa would be in the front room reading Trading Times or an auto mechanic book, and would get up and greet us as grandma came out of the kitchen behind him. Presents were the first thing to do, and it went by age of the grandchild down, from oldest to youngest (with me being oldest). After that, the women and girls retired to the kitchen and the men stayed in the front room and watched football. Any man who ventured into the kitchen got a stern warning from my grandmother, almost always worded as “This is woman’s work in here, you go back with the other men and enjoy yourself”. It sounds pleasant but it had a bit of a dangerous undercurrent, heh. She and the other women would, from time to time, come out and ask their respective husbands/sons/brothers if they needed a drink or anything, and then would go fetch them. Men were basically ordered to sit down and relax and put their feet up and eat nuts and drink beer. Dinner would be served, grandpa would carve the turkey, then all the men and boys would get first choice, followed by the women who were still usually always puttering around with dishes, pans, cooking, etc. Afterward we’d all share stories of the year around the table and then after a while, with full bellies and armfuls of presents, leave to go back home.

    I tried to venture into the kitchen to help one year and my grandmother took me aside and told me that this was not my place and that it was not even vaguely masculine to even offer and that I should send my (then) fiancee in because she too was out of place in the front room. I did, much to the surprise of my soon to be bride, but she adapted well, being traditional herself. My grandmother ran a tight ship at Christmas.

    1. “nigger toes” – ah, no wonder Master Waller cut off Kunta Kinte’s toes. I did not know it was a delicatessen.

      1. It wasn’t until I was in my 30’s that I knew that they even had another name, lol.

      1. Of the house. Outside the house, grandpa called the shots and he would be just as stern regarding her. There were set rules, the woman was the domestic keeper, the man was the head of the family and made all of the final decisions. He relaxed and enjoyed it, with no need to assert any dominance because it was his house and his wife was doing the right thing. This, to me, is ideal.

            1. People who never lived or don’t have memories prior to the 1990’s have no idea at all, not even a frame of reference, to begin to understand. It’s like two utterly different universes between now and then.

                1. I haven’t had cable since 2003 so I’ve never seen it. Heard of it, but never watched it.

              1. My father’s side immigrated here and in their home country Americans were considered the most moral, kind , and hard working people on the planet. Americans were admired everywhere.

                    1. To be honest, we didn’t. It’s similar to @wbfitness:disqus’s belief that anyone South of Manhattan are inbred hicks.
                      Americans believe that anyone from outside the USA are fang-bearing devils bent on annihilating us. It’s a sweeping, but effective sorting system.

                    2. Soccer. Like I said, that’s only a “sport” to socialists, mainly because it’s a whole lot of effort directed towards very little to no productive end.

                    3. Show me a game where two hours are spent furiously expending energy and the end result is, half the time, a 1-0 or 0-0 score and then we’ll talk about other sports.

                    4. Not a gripe. I loath watching sports in general so I have no real dog in this race. I just find soccer kind of faggy. Very energetic and I recognize the skill, but it seems more pointless than most sports, and that’s saying something.

                    5. Sure, but at least they normally have more than one or zero goals per game with both teams combined. I think that pound for pound the manliest sports are Rugby, Lacrosse and maybe Aussie Rules Football, as far as sportsball type sports go anyway (which excludes things like airplane racing, cliff diving, etc).

                    6. dude…. i never even heard of those games. and a sports value is based on how entertaining it is to people. manliness is not a factor the public consider when they watch a sport.

                    7. You’ve not heard of Rugby nor Lacrosse nor Aussie Rules Football? These are major sports in their respective countries. Where do you live, Madagascar?

                    8. only rugby. lacrosse? aussie rules football? what the hell are they?

                      you can judge how entertaining a sport is by its popularity. none of these games are popular as soccer.

                    9. Aussie Rules football is HUUUUUGGGEE in Australia. Lacrosse is a huge game and is developing into major leagues here in the States, invented by the Injuns and normally lasted for days and involved many deaths back in its time (it’s softened a bit on the death and time limit).

                      Fuck popular as soccer. By that gauge, socialism is the only valid economic system, because “people love it”. And Scorpion and Twisted Sister are the pinnacle of Western music. Using 5.9 billion yahoos who don’t know shit from Shinola and who think robbing rich people is great as your gauge for anything is goofy.

                    10. who gives a SHIT about australia?!?! as i said, a sports value is judged by its popularity. get over it. you’re letting you bias get in the way.

                    11. Everything I said stands. That you subscribe to “mob like = valid” is goofy. And has nothing to do with my critique of soccer.

                    12. your “critique” is nothing but your retarded opinions coated in mindblowing levels of denial and bias.

                    13. Derp derp.

                      I’ll let you be. Apparently I’ve offended your sensibilities by critiquing a game where guys flop around on the ground like little queens when they’re not even injured. But hey, the mob likes it, so Krunk like!

                      Enjoy the holidays.

                    14. sure thing pal. you and your son can enjoy your manly ass faggy game and we retards can enjoy soccer. sounds fair

                    15. I used to play Skyrim, until I took an arrow to the knee.

                      FIRST!

                    16. I’m restarting FF7 and am going to play through it with only the starting weapons and armor for each character. Need a challenge as it’s very easy otherwise.

                    17. Fuck yeah it is. You run around tackling and beating the living shit out of other guys with a stick while winging a rock hard ball at over 90mph and catching it in a net the size of a teaspoon while running at top speed, and when there’s an injury, unless it involves blood or something broken, the person stays in the game. Takes a whole mess more skills, and also involves the same amount of strategy as soccer/hockey.

                    18. Yep, from third grade to 12th, defense. You could tell where he was on the field when an opposing player would disappear into the mob and then be seen flying upward into the air.

                    19. when I was a kid playing roller hockey in the street was a big thing (4 wheel skates, this was before the inline fad). You would get one net on a dead end street, a roll of electrical tape and hockey sticks. I was always athletically inclined and always wanted to play but as much as I tried I could never roller skate to save my life.

                    20. I’ve never tried ice skating but it sure looks fun. I could barely stand on rollerskates, otherwise I would have loved to play. Was it your first time on skates or just your first time playing hockey?

                    21. That’s cool. I never tried to roller blade either. My early days of trying to learn how to rollerskate put me off to the whole wheels/blades under my feet thing.

                    22. I can skate reasonably well, being a Northerner, but damned if I think I could skate even close to well enough to evade a bunch of aggressive guys looking to clean my clock with hockey sticks. No thank you.

                    23. with that silly logic, mesoamerican ballgame has to be the manliest sport of all, right?

                      the loser gets fucking sacrificed! the ultimate display of strategy and skill!

                    24. He criticized every sport so it’s really pointless to use him.

                    25. I was speaking from a more utilitarian stance. Regardless of sport, nothing in the real world is productively accomplished no matter who wins at what.

                      “Show me a game where two hours are spent furiously expending energy and the end result is, half the time, a 1-0 or 0-0 score and then we’ll talk about other sports.”
                      I’ve seen hockey matches do this.

                    26. That’s not common in hockey matches though, at least as much as soccer.

                      Why are you defending a fag Euro sport? Are you turning….commie..Jak?

                    27. I actually like sports, I just can’t be bothered to watch them on television or keep track of who is ahead in a particular division or whatnot. I love to go to baseball games though don’t do it often enough and the one time I went to a hockey match I had a freaking blast.

                    28. Good for him. You can put up a line of NASCAR wives that are equally or more hot. In any given country, whatever sports are worshiped will attract the hot chicks, even if the sport is objectively for pansies.

                    29. Jealous of what? As mentioned, I’m not fond of watching sportsball of any flavor. Just noting that soccer is a bigger waste of time and effort that most other sports. It’s a fact. That the masses can be entertained by such a thing is an indictment on the intelligence of the mob.

                    30. intelligence? so those who are entertained by the sport are retards?

                      lmao whatever you say smartass

                    31. Not seeing the point of continuing this discussion. Since your gauge is “mobs are the standard” the there’s not a lot left to say. I’ll enjoy classical baroque music for it’s quality while you go fire up Scorpion because it’s what other kids do. Enjoy.

                    32. sure, you do you. just don’t try to shoehorn your arrogant elitist opinion as “fact”. you not enjoying something doesn’t make those who do idiots. nor does going against the crowd every single time make you somehow special.

                    33. Actually I thought I was pretty clear that I thought that the game is faggy. The men in it are just doing what they were taught was popular to do in their respective countries.

                    34. Right, like I said, people who like socialism. Rampant society wide poverty is a trademark of socialism after all.

                      Heh.

                      I give soccer a hard time but honestly it’s just not my thing, I do actually see and acknowledge the skill and strategies that they employ. You can tell the real brain dead types though, of any sport, when you critique their sacred cow (of which, you are not a member, btw). Instead of giving a light hearted ribbing back they get all butthurt and angry like little girls.

                    35. lmao! light hearted ribbing? says the guy who called millions of soccer fans idiots. why the fuck do you have to make everything about socialism or capitalism?

                      some people just enjoy certain sports. you start this shitty argument and you call the other guy brain dead. wow. just wow.

                    36. Ok, I have to let it out. I really have no vested opinion about soccer, as I generally don’t have much of a vested opinion about any sportsball, however, I know exactly what to lead with and draw out with in order to troll die hard soccer fans (just like I do with die hard football and basketball fans).

                      Sir…I have trolled you.

                      lol

                    37. you know what? i don’t even watch soccer. but i find it fucking hilarious that you turn around and say you trolled me after running out of an argument. lmao you deluded wrinkled prune

                      merry christmas faggot!

                    38. Nope, mentioned it already on the Telegram channel as well before mentioning it here. I don’t have an “argument” because I really don’t give a fuck about it or other sportsball. But I do know how to trigger the butthurt kind, of which dckhead_con_artist is not (see how he gets it?) so I like to rib him to see if I can get a reaction. Today a “muh soccer” type (you) took it seriously and got all butthurt and prissy and catty. So that’s a win. 🙂

                      It’s the same as trolling football fanatics in the states because the players wear armor padding while rugby players are manly enough to not need armor plating. Gets their goat every single time.

                      I really don’t give a fuck about your precious little game dude. To me it’s all the same lunacy in different packaging. Whether the world likes it or not is literally my last concern. Soccer goes its way and I go mine and our paths rarely cross and that’s fine by me.

                      Troll gets trolled. Heh.

                    39. The only reason I played soccer in high school because it supplemented my conditioning for wrestling. Well I ended up doing okay in wrestling but I was much more talented in soccer so I embraced it and ended up loving it. I played in college but I had to quit as the school I played for did not have scholarships for soccer.

                    40. Cool man. I mostly did track in high school. Never been a good runner at all, but I can discus and shotput like a boss. Well, I could at the time anyway.

                    41. I think the pole vault would have been fun as fuck. Ironically my dream was to wrestle at Ohio State or West Virginia, both above average wrestling schools. My buddy ended up at Ohio U Bobcats and placed 6th in the NCAA 1997.

                    42. Fencing is major cool, I love watching tournaments when the Arnold comes to town in late February early March.

                    43. Oh yeah, those long fluorescent bulbs were the closest you could get to a real light-saber back in the day. And since they were heavy, your little kid brain didn’t think they would break as easily as they did… right up until they shattered into a billion pieces all over the living room floor, and mom started shrieking bloody murder from the other room….

                    44. No shit? A colleague has a daughter who does that and it sounds she will be trying out for the English Olympic squad in a few years.

                    45. I’m not too proud to admit that I’d wear that in the proper context, but it would need to be really let out in the shoulders and chest I’d assume. Soccer players are generally more svelte and streamlined like olympic swimmers. I’m built more like a linebacker and would be more prone to fill out a suit like Dimitri Stanley than the soccer dude above.

                    46. they had an open tryout for those rolls in my hood, got there an hr too late…coulda been someone, coulda been a contendah

                    47. Hopefully it would have turned out better for you – y’know without all that robbery/gunning down cops part.

                    48. My cousin held a door open for Julia Roberts in a scene that was cut from a really popular movie that she was in.

                    49. Your cuz had a bit role in Mystic Pizza? That really is my go-to rom-com. really. had a buncha heart. Anyway, Im out, you guys are still a buncha dickweeds

                    50. The working mans a sucker.


                      Funny how in that movie, the black girl is actually kinda pretty.
                      Hollywood doesn’t want to show how average negroes look

                    51. Commie fag? Spoke to a Russian and he told me that they love hockey and basketball more than they do football.

                    52. I didn’t say Russian. I like Traditional Russians. Commies can suck my left nut.

                    53. Basketball – only the last 10 minutes matter. Football – grabbing a ball from another guy’s ass. Exception….Baseball – boring for me, but it is masculine and no SJWs

                    54. Basketball would be greatly improved if they put all of the players from both teams on Stairmasters for an hour, then sent them out to play for ten minutes.

                    55. Seriously, then suddenly all of these “stars” would actually need to know how to consistently shoot a basketball. That would really improve the game.

                    56. The Late Great George Carlin said baseball could only be made entertaining if there were landmines in the outfield.

                    57. Georgie had many brilliant ideas about sports.

                      One of my favorites is his plan to improve NASCAR by having one car go in the opposite direction

                    58. I hated soccer right up until I understood it. I do like baseball, but that might just be having grown up with it. I can’t stand to watch it on tv any more. I do like to go to the games and keep a hand written score card, but again that might be because of traditions from when I was a kid. It is a wonderful sport though….much like soccer you have to really pay attention to the patterns.

                    59. going to games to watch sports is just as satisfying an experience as going to your favorite watering hole. I’ve hit on women at the pro soccer games because you already know you have something in common and I’ve taken dates there as most American women have never watched the sport.

                    60. Watching in person is much preferable. In that context, I can and do enjoy a good long afternoon watching minor league baseball or an OSU football game (and I don’t like football generally).

                    61. Right. It’s a social event. I will catch heat for this, but I like the theater for the same reason. It’s relaxing to sit in an audience and watch talented people.

                    62. The theatre is fantastic. So are orchestral performances, and opera (certain ones anyway), especially the canonical classics.

                    63. Canonical opera is an acquired taste, to be honest. It’s kind of like wine, you have to really get into the nuances to actually and truly enjoy it beyond “I’m getting my drunk on!”. 🙂

                    64. people from the USSR admire ballet dancers, concert pianists, and opera singers; just a different culture. I would too if I was musically or theatrically inclined.

                    65. So do plenty of Americans. It’s just trendy, and has been for 200 years, to classify us as inbred, no culture idiot hicks. The huge and vibrant arts community here though attests otherwise.

                    66. more Americans indulge themselves in Hollywood movies than actual performing arts or symphonies. Now 50 years ago, Hollywood actors were actually talented artists.

                    67. You know, for all the hell we catch from the world at large over our shortcomings real or perceived the good old USA is still where it’s at. Any of our friends need military assistance, who’s the first ones to show up? A huge natural disaster anywhere on the globe, who’s the first to get there? Most great new inventions, medical or technical breakthrough, new faster more efficient manufacturing techniques, who done it? It probably wasn’t those culturally enlightened, sophisticated,skinny wanna be commie Europeans and by the way the first cats to get to the moon measured the way there with inches and miles.

                    68. Fucking A to the men. Every time I hear “superior” Europeans sneering about America all I can think about are the mediocre girls who didn’t make the cheer leading squat sniveling and being catty about the head cheerleader. Every single time.

                    69. Yep. Europe has also been doing disastrous socialism for decades, and then tyranny, kings and dictators for centuries. Fuck European “we know what’s right” sentiments.

                    70. Sweden is mulling over whether they should force their people to get chipped(no chip, no access to mass transit or a car)

                    71. They’re so much smarter and sophisticated than us stupid yokel American rednecks! We should stand in awe at their intellect and sophistication!

                      Fuck them.

                    72. It;s mostly commies who sneer at the US and all this is due to the stupendous amount of anti US propaganda by left wing factions. Also, i see that the average Murican cannot take a bit of banter, you lot seem too fragile and aggy but well put that down due to the fact that you’re a bit isolated from other nations. Mexico and Canada………..are those even real countries? (lol, joking of course)

                    73. thats only the people on the left side of the political spectrum and the left side of the bell curve

                    74. There are plenty of jingoistic Americans, I’ll grant you that. I am not one of them, however, I do get tired of the constant America-hate, not just from Europe and Australia, but also from our own little homegrown Leftists. Normally I won’t say much, but sometimes I do, however, I don’t base it on redneck “Lurv it or leave it!” and I’m also capable of taking some back and forth banter. 🙂

                    75. It’s all a bit of banter untill it;s not and fists come out. But that’s the UK/European way. way too many wars and history to fuel it too.
                      I agree with you that the Australian have a chip on their shoulder and are wayyyyyyyyy too far up their arse.

                    76. Man, we have that evil commie anti American propaganda now coming from our OWN people, how fucked up is that?
                      We keep Mexico around because somebody’s gotta pick the vegetables and we keep Canada around because that maple syrup isn’t going to make itself.

                    77. You are our bastard child and there’s no way you can deny that! And as for inventions, most were from Europe anyway. Steam engine, combustion engine, medical and chemistry discoveries were pioneered by UK and the continent. You have your innovations of course.

                    78. We are the son that grew up to surpass the father, who is now old, doddering and incapable of making it in the world without his son’s support.

                      As a genetic Briton I love England and Scotland, but they’ve seen their day. And most patents in the modern world come from the U.S. of course. I recognize and respect the achievements of Britain when they were in their heyday and there’s no denying their steampunk patents were amazing. But they’re an old tired group of nations now.

                      And that’s ok. Some day the U.S. will be the same, it happens. But I’ll be damned if I’m going to let some “We are superior and America is suxxors” go without commenting about it, on an internet that Americans invented. Heh.

                    79. We are the unruly basterd chilluns ain’t no denying that however, take the steam engines for instance.
                      When farmers decided they could use them to pull plows, what did the limeys do? They sat them on the end of the field rigged up a winch and cables to it to pull a plow and after every couple of rounds a team of horses had to move it then it was all set up again to make another round or two. Americans came up with a transmission for it so it could propell itself AND pull the plow with no horses needed. You people may have come up with it but, we made it WORK. One day y’all are just going to have to admit it, without all us backward redneck Americans the world would stop turning. I mean Americans INVENTED bourbon how can you top that? Damn silly furiners.

                    80. I honestly don’t think I could pick Kim Kardachshund out of a line-up of brunette hollywood whores. Maybe if Rayjay was actually pissing on her at the time, but even then it might be tough.

                    81. Gay.
                      I did go watch an orchestra one time just so I could say I went and it was awesome. Amazing sound seemingly from every direction. Eventually I want to go again.

                    82. I never went to a pro game but I did take a bunch of guys who work for me to an ecuador match here in NYC (they were ecuadorians) and we had a total blast.

                      Baseball games are a great place to meet people to, but I really do wind up paying attention to the game unless it is a total blow out and it gets boring.

                      wrt baseball i always liked low scoring games better than high scoring games because defensive strategy and pitching was always more interesting to me than the home run hitters.

                    83. oh also:
                      Life goes on. A man becomes preeminent, he’s expected to have
                      enthusiasms. Enthusiasms… Enthusiasms… What are mine? What draws my
                      admiration? What is that which gives me joy? Baseball! A man stands alone at the plate. This is the time for what?
                      For individual achievement. There he stands alone. But in the field,
                      what? Part of a team. Teamwork…. Looks, throws, catches, hustles –
                      part of one big team. Bats himself the live-long day, Babe Ruth, Ty
                      Cobb, and so on. If his team don’t field… what is he? You follow me?
                      No one! Sunny day, the stands are full of fans. What does he have to
                      say? “I’m goin’ out there for myself. But… I get nowhere unless the
                      team wins.

                    84. I like PLAYING sports. Not watching. I gave up playing football after seeing friends getting injured and realizing I didn’t want that. Got to provide for the family. I like playing soccer even though I suck.

                    85. Watching it is as boring as watching flies fuck. Keep in mind, I’m of the same mind regarding most other sports as well.

                    86. This is the funny thing. I will competitively play tether ball or badminton until someone gets hurt I just don’t care who is the world champion of the world

                    87. I use to care a lot more. I still follow the Cardinals in baseball and one of our universities in my state but I rarely listen to a whole game, and then I only listen if I’m doing something while listening. But I used to be obsessed with sports. I would listen to 4-6 hours of sports radio a day and got 2-3 sports magazines and peruse the web. I look back at that and shake my head. So much waste

                    88. I used to care a lot more about baseball too. I used to love listening to the games on the radio…Bob Murphy calling the mets games. I never got to the level of interest where I would listen to sports radio and stuff. I do still care a little about boxing, but not as much as I did in college.

                    89. Actually, depending on timing and age, when I cared about the Mets the Cardinals were our arch nemesis! After the league shift up it became the braves, but by that point I wasn’t following anymore so I still think of the cardinals as the bad guys.

                    90. My dad’s family is from Missouri, so big Cards fans. We actually lived in St Lou for several years before moving to MS. The Mets/Cards rivalry was before my time. It was the Astros mainly when I was a teen

                    91. I don’t know if mets card rivalry was just much better than mets braves or if it just seemed more fun to me because I cared at that point. We really fucking hated the cardinals and then all of a sudden one day everyone hated the Braves instead. In a strange way, that shift not only changed my perspective on the sport but made me realize the subjectivity in the universe.

                    92. Now it’s like, meh, but I remember getting pretty mad at one of the Reds pitchers. There was a “brawl” and he was against the net and started just kicking with his metal spikes. Busted up the Cards backup catcher something awful. The guy ended up retiring because of that, I think. That was a punka** move, but I think I would have been as upset to see anyone do that to someone else.

                    93. I’m just going to pretend you didn’t say that. America could have beaten Belgium in the last World Cup. I’m totally pro-American. I wear the Jersey with pride even though we suck.

                  1. That and all the women were big and looked like they cut pulpwood for a living and they all wore those smocks that looked as though they were made from croaker sacks.

                    1. I’ll tell you man, that was the biggest lie to come out of American propaganda in the day. While of course there are plenty of Babushkas, the quality and quantity of hot Russian women is amazing. When I got to Defense Language Institute and had a looksee at the talent there in Russian broads (and Czech broads who are, if it’s possible, hotter) I was blown away. I always assumed the “even-ink wear” Babushka standard was reality, lol.

                1. And at one time, even in my living memory, this was in fact very true.

              2. Ain’t that the truth. Seems like the whole world has been going off the rails since then. It’s nice being able to remember people not being offended because it was Christmas.

          1. America. Ohio. I’m 50 so it’s not like it was last year. They were English, but same thing more or less.

              1. Yes. Every Christmas the wife would have a huge spread prepared. Morning, which usually started at 5am because “kids” would consist of presents being opened, then wife would make this really good and terrible for your health breakfast casserole while the kids played and I put together their toys and helped them unharness their more stubborn presents from the packaging restraints that were apparently invented by Nazis. After breakfast we all sat around talking or goofing around with our presents, while she made dinner, and my daughter was expected after a certain age to help, which she loves doing. Dinner served and after that, watching Christmas themed DVD’s. No going outside the house permitted, no guests permitted. We’d hold “rest of the” family Christmas on Christmas eve or the day after, depending on everybody’s schedule. It looked very similar, except it was 70% her family and 30% mine (many of mine have passed away or moved too far away to attend).

                1. “more stubborn presents from the packaging restraints that were apparently invented by Nazis”

                  SERIOUSLY! I swear designers of toy packaging are sadists. Thing takes 10 minutes to unpack, then you gotta find the batteries and screw driver to open it, then you put it together, THEN the kid plays with it for 5 minutes, and brings you the next one

                  1. This was the exact routine I endured for many a year. Having some really heavy duty leather cutting grade scissors (check your local Tandy leather store) really helps snap that thick plastic they use on the straps, fyi.

                  1. It was. It was whole family and actually on the holiday. On the other hand, our Christmas presents sometimes involved firearms, which their rarely did. It’s give and take, as always.

            1. This is paradise, I’m tellin’ ya.

              you think you are sneaking one buy? @disqus_tj7gjZttfg:disqus he doesn’t know who he is dealing with here.

              @consolation_of_philosophy:disqus do you know who I am? I’m Moe Greene. I was making cultural references when you were still banging cheerleaders

      2. Mine sure as fuk was….Go in that kitchen and you’d come out with a wooden spoon up your ass and a mean maloche on you.

            1. I think part of why my grandmother really drove home the fact that gentleman need to always have a clean shave was so she would have a cleaner shot with the spoon and we would really feel the molten sauce.

    2. My grandmother’s generation passed along all the family recipes to the boys, because the granddaughters were not competent.

      1. Strangely enough, I found this to be true too. I have her recipe tin filed with notecards, and also her assorted library of cookbooks that she handed to me when she was getting too sick to do anything. She never even considered giving it to my mother or my sisters.

      1. I never really developed a taste for black walnuts (a term I didn’t know until my early 30’s lol).

  9. I just had this conversation with my Mom yesterday afternoon. I’ve got some funny Christmas stories, but one in particular really sticks with me – my mom and I share a good laugh every year with this one. Here it goes…

    This dates back to maybe ’83-’84, Junior High sometime. Every year, we would go to a local Christmas tree farm for a live tree. This particular year we were in a bit of a hurry, I went with my Dad, we quickly picked out the tree, had it cut and brought it home. Once we got the tree home and began to set it up, we noticed it was misshapen – the trunk was a bit curved; it had an “S” shape to it. This made it a bit challenging to properly secure it in the stand, but we got it to work and once the tree was decorated, it looked nice.

    After about a week, the tree falls over in the living room.. We stand it back up and put the ornaments back on it. This happened a few more times over the next week, broken ornaments and all. My Dad gets really pissed at this point and says: “I’m going to take care of it” and storms out of the house. Now, what may be involved when an angry Italian wants to “take care” of something? Cement, of course. He comes back with a 5 gallon bucket and some sack mix and proceeds to cement the tree into the bucket. Needless to say, the poor tree died within 2 days, but he sure got it to stand up without falling over again!

    The funniest part of the story is on the day of garbage pick-up. We wheeled the tree out to the street on a dolly the night before so the neighbors wouldn’t see (my mom was so embarrassed). The next morning, before school, the garbage truck stops in front of our house. The first guy tried to lift the tree into the truck but couldn’t do it, so the driver steps out of the truck to help – it took the two of them, and they barely got that tree into the truck. My Mom and I are watching this from the kitchen window, laughing hysterically, and then ducking down below the window so the trash guys wouldn’t see us.

    That Christmas will always be remembered as the “Year of the Mafia Tree.”

    1. I love that story Lou. There is no problem that cement can’t resolve. Find me on telegram before tomorrow man, want to have a nice toast on sauce day with our matching glasses.

      1. Yo, WB… I’m kicking my wife out of the house for most of the day tomorrow so she can go shopping with her mother, this way I can finally wrap these gifts, then it’s off to the kitchen to bake my Cheesecake and Biscotti. It’s just gonna be me and my 4 dogs for most of the day, and probably a couple bottles of wine. How do I hook-up with the East Coast Syndicate on Telegram to share some Christmas Craziness?… @louskunt71

      1. Folks in German country would have erected a huge set of gears, pulleys and counter-weights Wile E. Coyote style. Folks in Irish settled areas would have just chucked a match on the tree and then go and get drunk. Cultural differences are always fun.

        1. Lol Wile E Coyote, that reminds me of a guy who moved here from Maine, give that guy some welding rods he could fix anything.
          Cultural differences- southerners would ” make that sumbitch fit one way or another!”.

          1. As the most southern of the Southern posters on AKC, I’ll tell you how my grandfather once solved a similar problem.

            About a week before Christmas, a bunch of the grandkids were over at my grandparents house, getting into trouble and rough-housing, when one of the smaller one of us was unceremoniously thrown across the room by one of the larger one of us, and ended up smacking into the Christmas tree stand and breaking it, knocking the tree halfway over.

            My grandfather (utterly unconcerned about the crying, mildly injured grandkid/cannonball) assessed the situation as two of the older grandkids held the tree up and tried to keep it from crashing to the ground. Several solutions were suggested, including pulling the tree out of the stand to fix it.

            After a moment, my grandfather went and got some wire (a word pronounced utterly unlike it is spelled in the Deep South) and a nail. He drove the nail about halfway into the ceiling right above the tree, and then bent it to the side. He hooked one end of the wire to the nail, and the other end to the top of the trunk of the tree.

            He suspended the tree from the ceiling so that the remaining feet of the tree-stand were about 1/4 of an inch off of the ground. The tree spun around a little now and then when the AC came on (that’s how far south we are), but this actually delighted my grandmother — she was so happy that everyone got to see all of the decorations on the tree, even the ones they stuck on in the back.

            I’m pretty sure my grandfather fixed the injured grandkid with some wire and a nail, too. Or maybe it was just duct tape.

            1. There’s nothing that can’t be fixed with some electric fence wire and a pair of pliers.
              Where you at further south than me?

                    1. A guy in my platoon was from a rural county in WA state that had some coast line and told me that. He did some time as a deputy and mentioned they usually would find a floater missing apendages as the crabs would find him first.

    2. Things like that are why we’ve had artificial trees for a few years.
      I’ve spent quite a few hours with things like hammers,nails, drills and at times a chainsaw trying to get a damn Christmas tree in a stand.

        1. Same. We just got a new one 2 years ago with the LED bulbs built in you can change from white, or colored, flashing or static. So much easier

          1. I lurv high tech sometimes. Insta-beautiful-Christmas trees are the shizzle.

        2. Our ritual is to walk to the used tire store (they sell trees this time of year), argue about what size to get (I always push for little cuz the house is, like, little), pay too much, drag the thing 7 blocks home, chop it too pieces (because its ALWAYS too damn big….) and hoist the shit up like Iwo Jima

      1. I like walking down the block to the guys selling trees, but my favorite is the NYC tree holocaust. There are designated days for tree pick up by garbage men so every year on a certain day you will see trees piled up. Think about it, on my block alone there are probably 3-5000 residences. SO the trees, loved for a short period of time, are all piled up like discarded bodies in the street after Christmas. I always get pictures.

        1. After Christmas we through ours in fishpond for fish cover.
          I saw one of the most interesting things ever one time because of an old Christmas tree. We lived about a mile off I-75 in one direction and a small town (pop about 350 at the time) in the other direction.
          I woke up early one Sunday morning right after Christmas when I was about 9-10 because our dog was in the backyard barking at something. I looked out the back window across the field behind the house and could see something moving out there so I decided to get my BB gun and go investigate. Once I got out there, all it was was the old Christmas tree that had blown out of the yard. When I started back to the house I saw a Ford Maverick running about a 100+ going toward town with a Georgia State Trooper right behind him hanging out the window shooting a huge revolver at the Maverick with his left hand and driving with his right. The trooper unloaded on him before they went past the house and went out of sight up the road. The Maverick got to a stop sign in town tried to take the corner too fast and wiped out hitting a light pole.

            1. I went in and woke Daddy up and told him about it he said something along the lines of
              “You done lost yo damn mind”. After my insistence that it was was true he got out of bed and went uptown to see, that was how I found out what happened in the end.
              Back in those days the Troopers didn’t even “play” the radio, if you fucked with them, it would always end badly for you. I always knew a lot of those guys, many of them were some cool cats back then.

      1. Jesus, yes we did! It was shorter though, maybe 2′ tall plus a stand. My sister in WI now has it. This is funny you bring this up… she just visited us last month. She got divorced last year and still has a few remaining things at the ex’s house, one of them is that damn bottle! She’s supposedly gathering her last few possessions over the holidays. I told her to make sure not to forget it, otherwise I’ll fly up there for it! I love her to death, but she’s never been very organized.

          1. It really is funny! My mom, sister and myself split-up many of my dad’s things pretty evenly after he passed. I’ve got some pretty cool vintage olive oil containers (metal and glass). I have many of his kitchen tools, including his heavy-duty old-school German-made pasta rollers. I even have an old box of Confetti, never opened – still in the white (table cloth) shipping wrap from Italy with the old ass string and red wax seals slightly chipping off, but still relatively intact. Bringing up all kinds of good memories here!…

            1. “My mom, sister and myself split-up many of my dad’s things pretty evenly after he passed.”

              That’s awesome Lou. It’s great that you have such a good relationship with your family.

              As for me, all I got was my father’s Seth Thomas alarm clock and about 8% of the total amount after “the Wicked Witch of Westchester” croaked 3 months ago. My sister, evil, disgusting, gold digger that she is, along with my mother (the devil) conspired and executed a plan to disinherit me and keep me in the dark about it for years. I wouldn’t have minded so much if they had just been honest about it. So I could have cut my mother off years ago. And worst of all, even though my father was absolutely “hands off”, if witchie-poo had gone first, he absolutely would have made sure everything stayed 50-50 like his original will stated.

              Sorry to vent at you like this, but your family situation made me think of mine. I really do wish you all the best and a great Christmas & New Year’s.

              Boun Natale!

              1. Hey Slim, great to hear from you! Merry Christmas! I wish you all the best for the Holidays and the New Year!

    1. I rarely post on weekends to begin with, too much real life. Online forum posting is normally restricted to “work time” for me, which is enough for any sane person.

      1. I got to be on the clock in order for me to feel satisfied wasting time here, but I do like the comments, and am getting addicted to this shit during the week.

    2. No we usually spend Christmas Eve drinking moonshine, howling at the moon and chasing female cousins around.

  10. One of my favorite things about Christmas is going to the delicatessen and buying a ton of wurst and other German goodies for Christmas eve. Half of the people in there today ordered in German. Just enjoyed a nice blood and tongue and headcheese souse sandwich for lunch.

    1. That sandwich sounds……terrible, dammit man, you want some Armadillo or something to go with it?

        1. I will take your word for it. Nobody is going to have to stand in line behind me to get one 🙂
          I just said Armadillo because I thought it would help get the taste out of your mouth.

  11. Always enjoyed Christmas Day. We didn’t get much in the way of presents, but at least we didn’t get beaten as much.

                1. After a dozen (or two) raviolis who has room for a leg or a wing….Or a slab of crown roast of pork?

                  Oh, who am I kidding… I do!
                  Skinny guys can eat like mother f*ckers….

      1. I usually deserved the beating more on Christmas day, because I’d saved up all my bad behavior for a week or two, trying to be “nice” just in case Santa was watching.

              1. I can still hear that song in my mind’s ear. Grandparents listened to a local AM (most stations were AM except a few at the time) and this came on every single season. There’s even a totally “racist” bit they still do about some hilljack and an Indian dude conspiring to buy the rednecks girl a present. Don’t remember the name, but it’s played every year and they simply don’t take complaints about it seriously, lol.

                    1. When I was in Houston I met a member of the “Motisa” tribe.
                      When I was trying to eat my lunch he kept coming over and asking ” Mo’ tea Suh?”.

                    2. The Africans I play soccer with are actually really polite . It’s amazing how they understand the dynamics of society better than the homegrown ones

    1. Everybody better be here shit-posting bright and early Monday morning, or there will be hell to pay.

      1. I can’t. I don’t know when he’ll be checking if I’m sleeping or awake. I don’t know when he’ll be checking on if I’m good or bad, for goodness sake!

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