Last week we covered how men can express love to their wives. This week we’ll be going over some ways women can show respect to their husbands.
If this article ever blows up I imagine a lot of women will be pushing back against this idea of showing respect to their husband with the misinformed notion that it means they’re lowering themselves to that of a doormat when that isn’t really the case. That or they’ll use some excuse like “He needs to earn my respect” (see part 1 of this series to learn why this is a bad excuse to use).
Another common misunderstand women face is that they love their man so why is respect so important. It’s simply due to the way we’re wired. To men, a woman’s respect IS them showing love to us.
So what are the key areas that women can show their man respect? Glad you asked! Enter CHAIRS.
CHAIRS is an acronym similar to last week’s acronym for the guys – COUPLE. It stands for Conquest, Hierarchy, Authority, Insight, Relationship, and Sexuality.
So without further ado, let’s dig in.
Men, by and large, identify their worth with their jobs and positions of status. Men, on average, work more hours at their job than women do, take less days off, and prioritize their work higher than women do.
When men are meeting for the first time, one of the first questions to each other are “So what do you do?”
Whether we agree with it or not, our very identity is tied up with our desire to go out into the world and conquer, work, and achieve. This is why you see depression rates climb in men after they’ve been laid off or retire in many cases. They’ve lost their sense of purpose and now must discover a new one.
Women, you may not fully grasp this connection, but it’s important you respect it. Many husbands with good intentions will work their asses off to provide the absolute best life that they can for their family regardless of the sacrifices they makes to his own health or free time.
“But I work too.” many women will say. “That means their work isn’t as important.”
You’re missing the point. Their ability to provide is important TO THEM. It’s a source of pride to bring home the bacon, even if they’re not the sole provider.
To the women out there, make sure your man knows you respect them for working hard even if you work too. Thank them either verbally or write them a message and hide it in his briefcase to find later that day at work. Tell him you respect him for what he does to give your family the life they have.
In addition to providing for their family, men are also programmed to protect. We’re not talking about the pathetic white-knighting attempts by some guys in the hopes of endearing themselves to women. Instead, we’re talking about the hardwired need in most men to protect their wife and children.
Ask most guys out there if they would lay down their life if it meant saving their wife and children and 99.9% will say yes without hesitation.
Women, understand the magnitude of this. You need to respect this willingness for your husband to die if it meant you survive.
Before you start with the whole “girl power” shtick, let’s be real. By and large, men are larger, stronger, faster, and more resilient than women. We are designed to work, hunt, and fight. God forbid, if your husband ever does have to fend off a man or wild beast to protect you and the kids, the best thing you can do is grab the kids and get them to safety. Don’t stick around thinking you’re going to help him and wind up getting killed yourself. Then your kids are orphans, IF they actually survive as well.
Honor your husbands by not taking them for granted.
Empathize when he’s at a low point in his life, be it work or personal reasons.
Soften your tone when voicing concerns instead of nagging and berating him.
There are countless proverbs and stories of what happens when a group is lead by two rulers, but the result is always the same. They clash against each other, vying for dominance. Their subjects wind up loving one and hating the other. The kingdom is weakened since the leadership is constantly bickering against each other instead of leading.
What I am telling women is going to be a hard pill for them to swallow, but they must back down and let the man lead. This doesn’t mean you’re their servant. Rather, you’re your king’s queen – their second in command.
Most women find that after an adjustment period, they actually prefer this setup. The stress of having to make the hard decisions rest on their husbands, leaving them to focus on other matters.
Respect your man’s authority by praising his good decisions and being forgiving when he makes a bad one. Support his image as a leader. Lean on him as your rock.
We talked about this in previous sections, but men and women approach problems differently. Women typically want to talk about problems as a form of therapy. They usually don’t want a solution to their problem. Instead, talking about the problem allows them to vent and relieve the stress.
The flip side of this is a different story. Men who are asked to sit through a long spiel and then NOT asked for their advice on how to fix the situation is frustrating to say the least. It’s the intellectual equivalent to blue-balling your husband.
Men are problem solvers. If we’re presented with an issue, our minds instantly begin hashing out solutions, back up plans, and possible issues that will arise. To lay out a big problem in front of a man and then tell them you don’t want their fix is incredibly frustrating for me.
You can show your man respect in two ways. The first option is to tell him beforehand that you just need to vent and you’re looking for a solution. This lets us know so we don’t get the gears grinding as you’re talking.
The other option is to simply take his advice even if you’re not wanting it. Contrary to modern entertainment, men aren’t bumbling idiots and can offer great insights. After all, men are natural problem solvers. Many of us have been fixing/solving things since we were young. Just be sure to show sincere gratitude for his advice. He’s giving it to you because he loves you and wants to fix your problem.
In this context, we’re not talking about the husband/wife relationship. We’re talking about the need for men to hang out with other men. Many men work hard during the day just to come home and spend more time helping with the kids and helping with chores around the house.
On the weekends, it’s more of the same with little time to ourselves. Men NEED time with other men to engage in sports and hobbies. This time away energizes us and clears our mind, allowing us to come back ready to reengage into family life with vigor.
Wives who understand this need and respect it make these outings even better since they are not nagging the husbands prior to and afterwards. A wife who berates the husband for going out with his friends is setting a bad tone for his outing, thus making it less enjoyable. Likewise, harping on him afterwards has a similar effect as it sours his otherwise good mood.
Instead, encourage him to get out with the guys regardless whether it’s shooting some hoops, going fishing, or playing cards. Don’t be calling him every 15 minutes asking him when he’s coming home.
The same applies to when he simply needs alone time. Men aren’t as social as women are and often prefer time alone to engage in some kind of hobby or past time. Respect this need and it will encourage him to reconnect with you later as his mind will be clear and his soul light.
Yep, we’re going there. Men enjoy sex, plain and simple. It’s a release for us similar to how venting is a release for women. Instead of putting your man down for this need to sexual intimacy, embrace it.
Don’t always turn him down when he comes to you seeking intimacy. Better yet, be the one to initiate it from time to time.
Most importantly, do not -I repeat, DO NOT- use sex as a weapon to make him do something. This is incredibly disrespectful and will foster resentment and hostility towards you. We are after all, trying to create a harmonious and fulfilling marriage. This can’t be done if a wife is withholding sex from a husband in an attempt to bend him to your will.
If roles were reversed and a husband wouldn’t let you vent to him or do something else that you needed from him until you bent to his will, how would you feel? Exactly. Doesn’t inspire feeling of admiration, does it?
- Conquest – Respect your husband’s need to go out and conquer the world.
- Hierarchy – Admire your husband’s desire to protect and provide for you and your children.
- Authority – Be your husband’s second in command. Let him fulfill his role as head of the house.
- Insight – Listen to your husband’s solutions to problems. Thank him for listening and offering to help.
- Relationship – Understand and encourage that your husband needs time away from the family to pursue either solo hobbies or hobbies with other men.
- Sexuality – Respect the fact that your husband is a sexual creature and needs your intimacy. Don’t hold it ransom to get something out of him.