For those of us in the Red Pill community, we’ve heard a ton of advice regarding self-improvement, especially how to maintain frame and gaming women. The phrase “Fake it ’til you make it (FITYMI)” is a mantra that floats around many circles when a novice asks for advice on improving their confidence, but what are the implications of such advice?
Are we really setting ourselves and others up for self-sabotage down the road?
Is there a better method?
These will be the questions we are going to address in today’s article.
The Light and Dark Sides of FITYMI
As with most advice and opinions, there are two camps pitted against each other: Those who approve of the advice and those who don’t.
Those who approve of the Fake It ‘Til You Make It approach argue that it forces you to put yourself into situations you may find uncomfortable and ACT how you want to be.
If you want to be confident, outgoing, and charismatic, you “fake” those qualities in public until you “make it” and they become second nature.
As many of you can deduce, it’s near impossible to fake certain qualities such as charisma and, to a lesser extent, confidence. You might be able to plaster a smile on your face and approach that group on the other side of the room, but the subtle cues your body and voice will give off will sabotage you every time.
That’s not to say the Fake It ‘Til You Make It approach is without merit. It does force you to confront your fears and gradually become comfortable with them, but it doesn’t address an underlying issue we’ll discuss later.
In contrast, those against the FITYMI philosophy argue you shouldn’t be faking anything. You should simply BE confident, outgoing, and charismatic.
Again, under some close scrutiny, this notion is silly as well. I can’t just hand a new student at my dojo a black belt and tell them to BE a black belt. They’ll have no clue what to do and how to do it.
The Real Issue With FITYMI
Both sides hover extremely close to the true answer to this philosophy, but neither quite gets it right and here’s why.
As we discussed in my article earlier this week about personal integrity and the Nice Guy condition, both sides push men to be something they’re not in disingenuous ways.
One side tells you to be a phony in order to improve yourself while the other side tells you to simply BE something that you aren’t yet. Both camps will put an individual’s subconscious in a state of cognitive dissonance, adding to the stress and pressure they’re probably already experiencing with their dilemma.
Be this even though you’re not.
So does this mean that the FITYMI approach to overcoming obstacles should be avoided. Not entirely. As I stated earlier, it does have it’s positives although it doesn’t address the impact being a faker has on your self-image.
What I propose is a tweak to the FITYMI principle and how you view it:
Train It ‘Til You Gain It
Does it sound cheesy? Sure, a bit. However, this slight alteration completely changes how you view improving whatever skill you’re working on whether it’s being more confident, outgoing, etc.
Let me illustrate. You don’t walk into a gym on your very first day and begin stacking weights like a power lifter. You gradually build up to it, getting a bit stronger each time and learning what does and doesn’t work.
Likewise, if you approach social dynamics as a student rather than a con-artist, your mind and your goals will be completely different. A setback or loss no longer makes you feel like a failure. Rather, it’s an opportunity to assess and learn what went wrong and how you can improve for your next encounter.
This kind of advice should be a no-brainer, but sadly there are many young men out there desperate for answers and take any advise from our community a little too literally with little critical thinking.
I don’t fault them. A man unhappy with his life can go to extremes in their attempts to change their lot in life. What I’m hoping articles like this will do is help them realize that life doesn’t always need to be so serious, that they don’t need to be so be so harsh on themselves when they fall short.
Life, like a hobby or game, is to be enjoyed. That doesn’t mean it won’t take some hard work to get to the level that you want to be at, but learn to enjoy the journey rather than be constantly fretting over your every move.