After more than 15 months in a serious relationship with one woman, I have made a couple of reflections along the highway, and summarized them in a number of key points that together paint a picture of what all that means.
Since relationships come with a limited one-sample-only, it would be misguided to draw any general conclusions. Nevertheless, the principles which I have discerned are to be regarded as relatively stable components, and thus worth sharing to a larger audience than my inner thoughts.
Manifold readers of A King’s Castle are much more experienced than I am in this respect, and I do not intend to teach basic principles to mature married men. However, there are plenty of guys who dwell in an intermediate phase between responsible manhood and juvenile jollification – while looking for a real life partner – and they may find something of particular relevance here. The rest of you may have an insight into a guy in his early 30s who currently transitions into LTR.
There Are Always Pros and Cons
Coming from a backpacker, academic and part-time PUA background, I highly value my own time, space, and freedom. Needless to say, these things have to be partly or completely curtailed if a LTR is supposed to work.
I was actually “allowed” to travel to Malta on my own for a few days last spring, but that was after the first five months, and my girlfriend was much more hesitant to allow me to do the same when I suggested to travel to Japan and visit a friend not long ago. That may never happen without her.
On the other hand we can travel together, which is predominantly fun although it may cause minor misfortunes, like altercations and annoyance. Further, I do not have to hunt for a girl and have someone to share my memories with.
As much as I like doing things on my own, meeting new people and contemplating, there are also those moments when being alone is not so joyful to be honest. A typical weekend is spent with my girlfriend, occasionally meeting other people, while a regular single man in his 30s may have at least one day of semi-awkward loneliness. It’s a balance but overall I prefer the weekends together with my girlfriend.
As for my other hobbies, such as reading, writing, and lifting, they are rarely in opposition to our common goals and shared time. Since she works it is likely that our schedules will be partly incongruent, leading to significant me-time.
The Vast Majority of Women Have Their Strengths AND Weaknesses
Another aspect that has to be emphasized, is that the majority of women have their particular strengths and weaknesses. Like many other men, I value beauty, personality, and behavior. I’m blessed with having found a very slim and attractive young woman, with a semi-traditional inclination, and who is kind and generally behaves very well. For instance, she does not fish for online compliments like many other contemporaries and dislikes feminist ideal that do not overlap with common sense.
On the other hand she is very jealous – in an almost childish way – and can create minor drama over nothing. Some may then say AWALT (All Women Are Like That) but I have seen and experienced young women who are much more laid back in this regard. But likely these women have other, more significant flaws and do not even care, because they are less serious and do not even consider to have a child with their current boyfriend.
The important thing is that a girl brings net value to your life (and vice versa) and that the negative sides are not overwhelming. Moreover, that she likewise is serious about a shared future.
Compromises and Negotiation Are Part of the Entire Deal
Furthermore, compromises are always part of the deal. That can mean many different things, including to let her speak her mind, decide on at least minor decisions (and the major decisions are almost always mutual), discern unwritten rules that work for both parties, and find an intermediate ground as a third option in regards to some situations.
For instance, I am not allowed to have any interactions with the opposite sex if those are not in a strict business context, family-related, or a few female friends that I rarely see. Good news for our relationship is that I do not want to have any female friends anyway, at least not meet and hang out with them on a regular basis, so that is not causing us any harm or problem. Correspondingly, she has similar rules to abide by.
As for other questionable behaviors that may be a consequence of my latent semi-player nature, it is crucial that I do not show any kind of sign of flirtatious modes when I am with her. Not that I am flirting much when I am alone, but I may at least occasionally look at a few girls and have eye contact.
I am also allowed to write and read about what I want, but of course she does not appreciate pictures of pretty women, stories from the past and so on, but I have explained that she should not dig too deep into that. Further, I have also emphasized that I am mainly concerned about politics, culture and philosophy, and that earlier experiences are mainly shared with the purpose of helping other guys (so that they one day can be as happy as I am with a pretty young woman like her). Works pretty well. Especially since she is not really reading literature, and consume culture that is generally of much lower value. It’s difficult to point the finger when I am in the middle of a Hemingway novel.
“Alpha” and “Beta” Traits Must Balance Each Other
When a man attracts women in the modern age it is largely about looks, confidence and determination. Ones does also need a significant degree of the so-called dark triad/tetrad traits, like narcissism and Machiavellianism.
However, these must be balanced with “brighter” traits such as conscientiousness and agreeableness. You must show that you are reliable, kind, want to do stuff together (like the traveling that I mentioned above, but also weekend activities like dining out), and showcase sound moral values.
Some of the dark elements must, on the other hand, continue to be manifested within the frames of the relationship. Frame is not very different from the hybrid between a lion and a fox that Machiavelli mentions in The Prince. I am not implying that you should manipulate your partner, but frame does not come spontaneously; it is rather a manifestation of experience, cunning, and internal control.
Another phenomenon, which may transcend personality psychology is to, frankly speaking, bang your partner both frequently and good. As long as you do that at least 5 times a week she will love you even more. If you also do have a lower body fat level it may be icing on the cake in regards to physical attraction. A girl admires a man that a significant amount of other females may want to sleep with if they had the chance.
The future is far from guaranteed, but these 15 months have been important and majorly positive, and I hope that if I stick to a concept that seems to work then it may turn out into something more long-lasting. Hopefully some other men in similar situations can gain some insight or share their own thoughts on the matter.