You guys get a WotW break today. One facet you read about on an number of manosphere sites is how to build confidence. Guys young and old want to be more confident in life. The conventional method these sites preach is to “fake it til you make it.” I have always had an issue with this way of thinking as I believe it is flawed. Today I’ll go over why I think “faking” your way to success is bullshit, and how you can truly build your confidence with examples I’ve used in my own life.
Fake it Til you say Fuck it
This is what I think it should be called. If you’re a guy who isn’t very confident, then you go out to a bar and try to act like Chad Thundercock, you’re most likely going to fail miserably. Even married men that let their wives walk all over them will face backlash from their wives if they try to go a super-machismo alpha as fuck male on their family.
The whole premise of pretending to be something your not bothers me because when a false facade of being strong and confident is tested even in the smallest way, I have seen it come crashing down, often making the person feel ten times worse. I want to point out here that this isn’t some bullshit “just be yourself” rant. If “Yourself” is a cheeto fingered, fat, basement dweller, then quit bitching about your lot in life.
Typically, the blogs and youtubers who tell you to fake it til you make it are rich dudes who preach to ordinary guys “fuck your corporate job, quit, become your own boss, spend 6 hours a day working out, and you’ll be a natural alpha like me” While I’m all for taking advice from people whom you want to be like, this is going to be unattainable for most guys, especially a family man.
For me, confidence is like any other skill, its learned, tweaked, applied, fails, then the process starts over again. But how do we train our confidence?
Lets define the word first:
confidence: a feeling of self-assurance arising from one’s appreciation of one’s own abilities or qualities
How do you appreciate your own abilities or qualities, if you’re faking the qualities you’re trying to project? Confidence for me always comes from two distinct things. Not being a pussy when things are uncertain, and not giving up when things get difficult. Below are two examples I’ve had in my life:
Career: I got my first job in tech the very last day of tech school. I was offered the position that morning, and had my capstone presentation in order to graduate that night. That Monday, I started my job with no real world experience. I was terrified, I fucked things up, I felt like I made a mistake, but I persevered through it and I’m glad I did. 5 years later I’m a sysadmin for a large corporate entity, I make good money, and there aren’t many IT related things I haven’t dealt with. When I approach a problem now, I have a level of confidence in myself to kick ass and handle the situation
Socially: Socially I have always been extroverted but self doubt can be a motherfucker at times. I remember when I honestly stopped giving a fuck about what other people think. I started saying what I wanted to in public, staring people in the eye when talking to them, and making a presence when in a room. At first, I remember the sting and how difficult and awkward it felt. Years later, I have none of those feelings anymore. Being outward and confident in social settings is just normal now.
I think the true take away is that for you to be confident in anything, you have to nut up and get out there and do it. You can’t learn from other people’s mastery, only from your mistakes. Those mistakes, arm you with the ammo you need when faced with another challenge. Overcoming challenges feeds that positive feedback loop we all enjoy.
When you want to gain confidence in something, you have to get out there and do it. Faking it isn’t going to help you do jack shit. Use your experiences to boost your confidence and make yourself a better man.