A Word on Confidence

Confidence is a trait that gets brought up a lot in the ‘sphere. In my opinion, confidence is often confused for other personality traits and mannerisms that do not accurately define the word.  Interestingly enough, I’m reading a book by legendary bodybuilder Dave Draper, who defined it in a way that hit home with me.  In all the blogs and books I’ve read, no one seemed to have hit the correct definition more than Dave.  Today we’ll go over what it means to gain and have true confidence, and if you’re struggling with it, how to build it.

In his book Brother Iron, Sister Steel, Draper has a damn good definition of confidence.  One that a world class bodybuilder would seemingly have, but applies to everyone.  Its a funny at times because this life can put you on the top, or make you feel like absolute shit.  Lets stay focused here with Dave’s definition on being confident:

Confidence by its nature is smart and hardworking. It shovels fuel into the furnace. It is not cocky, conceited or arrogant.  It’s not stubborn or filled with boasting.  These are characteristics of something quite the opposite.  Confidence is secure.


Confidence is a friendly and contagious spirit that enjoys the company of wonder. Unlike question, which proposes doubt, wonder is something to be graciously fulfilled.

I like this definition because in our society today, confidence is viewed as something else.   Its interesting to see how women view confidence, as it always seems to be some over-dramatic faux macho display.   The way a bad guy would be portrayed on a shitty TV movie.

As Dave says above, confidence isn’t about boasting or being stubborn.  I’ve found that the times in my life I’ve felt the most confident,  I’ve been cool and collected.  In fact, facing something that isn’t easy but you keep your cool is one characteristic of confidence.  Truly to me I think it means that you’re unphased by things outside yourself.   You know yourself, your capabilities, and that you can count on yourself to be logical at all times.

So now that we have a good definition of confidence, how do you build it?

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Building Confidence

May red pill sites talk about a bunch of ways to build your confidence. Lifting weights, practicing game, having good body language etc.  All of these are great examples, but lets take a look deeper.

To build your confidence, I think the number one thing you have to do is make yourself vulnerable.  Not in a physical sense, but basically you have to be able to handle anything.  You truly can’t let the things that people say to or about you mean a damn thing in the long run.  A truly confident person knows who they are, and a fragile exterior will come crumbling down at any bit of questioning.

The other facet to building your confidence is getting out and trying new things.  We now live in a society where people are afraid to even try for fear of failure.  Failing and being viewed as someone who has failed means your’e held accountable, and as we know, accountability is a personal attack these days.   That said, I don’t care if you’re deadlifting weights and fail, getting your ass kicked in a fight, or fucking up something important, that failure affects us all.  How you build confidence from that is by not giving up, but using that sting of failure as fuel not fail the next time.

I have a saying I like to say, and its “The reason I’m good  “____” is because I’ve fucked up doing it many times before”  Basically saying, I’ve been through the bullshit of this, and I’m…..wait for it…. confident that anything that goes wrong, I can handle it.

Expanding on the “typical” tips to boost confidence, as I said they have their place.   As you get bigger and stronger at the gym, you feel better about yourself.  Practicing game and building a strong frame with people helps too.  All I’m saying is at the end of the day, you dictate if you’re confident or not by your actions, not limited to but including the above.


Its interesting that I read that part of Draper’s book at the time I did. I had been reflecting on confidence and what it means to me.  If you feel like you need a kick in the ass, you need to focus on what it is you’re longing for in life, and be real about who you are.


-J. Nyx

Author: Jnyx

Fitness addict, DIY guru, tech nerd, member of Memesters Local 419.