Recently, I had an epiphany. Women have been saying they want someone who treats them well, and yet they seem to go after the “bad boy”. When I was younger, I followed what society told me, and I would do favors for women and treat them well. This approach backfired, and they went to the guys who would use and abuse, only to come crying back. Apparently, women are excited about the prospects of the “bad boy”, but end up hurt time and again.
The Stereotypical “Nice Guy”
I meet this guy often at church, at school, or at work. You know him, he is very nice and polite to people at large. He is very helpful, and friendly. However, when you get to know him, he is a very frustrated individual. People around him will ask favors from him, again and again. However, those favors are not returned. He is used, and not respected. I have a fellow engineer like this. He is ambitious enough, but he spends his energy doing favors for lazy people around him. He is very knowledgeable, but few people respect him for his talents. I don’t think he respects himself enough to stand up on the day to day matters. About a year ago, I had another coworker who was being his typical ornery self, and the “Nice Guy” coworker blows up at him. As the nice guy who puts up a façade of the model Mormon, he swears at him, and I am thinking they are going to get into a fist fight. The passive-aggressive came out that day. He is lucky he didn’t get fired for that outburst.
Talking with him, he is having some marital problems. The passive-aggressive tendencies come out there too. I don’t know for sure, but I believe his wife is cheating on him. Either way, she does not respect him by some things he confided in me. One day, I call him up when he is sick to ask a question. I hear him nearly scream at his kids playing in the background to get them to shut up. It isn’t exactly the “nice guy” persona that he tries to put on at work. When he lets his guard down, he comes off as angry, frustrated, and unhappy.
Looking back when I was in High School, I had similar characteristics. I wanted to make others happy, and as a result, I spread myself thin. Doing what I was taught, I did what I could to become a people pleaser. Some people saw through this, and used me. Others thought I had some devious agenda. Either way, it was not garnering respect. As such, my dating life was rather lacking. One of my better friends had girls flocking around him, even though he didn’t seem to chase them very hard. He would treat them like garbage, and move on. Witnessing all of this was very frustrating. In time, I picked up some better habits, and moved on.
Differences between the Good Man and the Nice Guy
The difference between the Good Man and the Nice Guy can be summed up into one word: CAPABILITY. Are you the type of person who can say “no” to a ridiculous request? Can you back it up if it comes down to a conflict, without it becoming an emotional tirade? Can you (NOT do you) seduce a good looking girl and get her to do anything you want? Is there anything outstanding or impressive about who you are? Can you hold an interesting conversation with people?
The nice guy does not get respect because there is nothing there to respect. He is that little yapping dog who is all bark and no bite. He is a wonderful “friend” to a woman because he constantly feeds her vanity, but he does not excite her. My wife had a few orbiters before we were engaged, and she has commented to me about them. A running trend was “they had no self-confidence”, or “they had no ambition”.
If you find yourself friend-zoned around women or used for favors again and again without reimbursement, it is time you look at yourself in the mirror and evaluate yourself. If you think you are the “nice guy”, you will need to overcome your simp tendencies and take charge of your life.
While it is not an easy road, taking charge of your life and those around you will be rewarding. Like anything, it takes practice. While not completely applicable, review the Dread Game series. It lays out a really good systematic approach to taking charge of your own life. Of course, if your friends or coworkers are taking advantage of you, you are not going show you can flirt with other guys, but you may work on developing other friendships. Nobody is worth keeping around if they use you. No need to get angry or upset, just work on yourself so they will be the ones seeking your validation. A well placed “No” is a great start if they make a ridiculous request. People all around you create different tests to see if you are a useful idiot, or a man of integrity.
This is a two part series on finding the right balance between the Nice Guy and the Bad Boy. In the next article, I will explore the characteristics of the stereotypical “Bad Boy”, why women find them exciting, and why they end up in many short term relationships.