Masculine Mormon

0500 – I wake to gentle sounds of snoring. I sit up slowly, so as not to wake anyone. I smile as I think of my 17 children and their 4 moms. How lucky I am to have them all, even though they get kind of expensive. Especially when the sister wives get to bickering.

0522 – As I begin to do my morning calisthenics, my mind drifts over how far I’ve come. From the crack house to the Tabernacle. From hangovers to Passovers. From shacking up with different women to having my harem of wives.

0601 – I go into the bathroom and strip off my Magic Underwear (TM) so that I can shower.

0613 – I roam the house and wake up my brood, gathering them into the living room for morning devotionals. I take as my text the entire book of Psalms. By the time I’m done, twilight has begun to settle and it’s time for evening devotionals.

1745 – For evening devotionals, to set the mood, I read from Solomon’s Song. My womenfolk are worked into a frenzy and rush the children outside so that we five can have a few hours worth of debauchery.

2114 – As I bask in the afterglow, I take in the last of the sunlight fading from the mesa overlooking our homestead. I have such a good life, almost as good as the Duke’s…..

Author: Jump and Jive

Married father of three who both he and his wife were virgins at marriage. Raised by a prophet who foretold the end result of feminism. Raising his family to love God and each other and stay pure in this filthy world. Wife is stay at home mom and loves it. Leads youth at church and wants to spread truth as much as possible