STORIES OF MY EX-WIFE – PART 1* – Jammyjaybird

Picture it: Tall, sexy, legs up to her neck, an apple bottom that swings a bit too sexily when she walks in her designer jeans. Twenty-three-year-old American girl with a big mane of blonde hair, and she has a swagger, like she knows that everybody is always looking at her. She’s right. They are.

On our first date, two other guys try hitting on her when I go to the bathroom. I can’t blame them.

Second date, we bang for close to three hours. She’s on the pill and we go bareback and she’s incredible. After, I pass out and she cooks me fresh pasta. This can’t be real. She’s hot and she bangs like a minx and she cooks for her man.

But she’s blonde, and I like brunettes. Still, who am I to complain about this gift that has fallen into my lap.

I find out that she’s funny too, which is rare in a woman. She literally makes me laugh out loud—hard. How many women you know can make you do that? Today, I understand the humor was just a mask for her aggressive nature. But I didn’t know that then.

She works part-time near my apartment. Couple times a week, at lunchtime, she comes over for food and sex, in whatever order. One day, she says that we ought to be exclusive. I quickly agree. In my mind, it’s never going to get better than this. I’m happy. She’s happy. After almost a decade of dating—I’m thirty—the world feels reborn.

After a month, she goes home to visit her mother and father. I’m going to marry this guy, she tells them. I find this out years later.

We become inseparable. She’s a highly emotional person, reactive, full of laughter. This is not my usual cup of tea, but for some reason—that starts with ‘p’ and ends in ‘y’—I decide to strap myself to this rocket and see how far it goes. I’m entranced by her personality, her body, everything.

Halloween comes. I dress as Hugh Hefner, she’s a Playboy bunny. Bustier, fishnets, heels, pink ears. Out on the streets that night, we draw a thousand stares. Aw, who am I kidding—they were all looking at her.

We buy tickets for a journey to South America. Two weeks, no tour guide, just us and our combined weak-ass Spanish. We barely have the money to afford it but who cares. It feels like the world is our oyster. Photos from that trip still pluck a heartstring. It’s the best memory I have of our time together.

I know your next question. If she’s your ex-wife, weren’t there warnings signs?

Of course there were.

 

THE RED FLAGS

  1. The tramp stamp on her lower back. What a classic tell. I knew what it meant then, just like I know what it means now. I just didn’t care.
  2. The screaming fits when her desires cannot be fulfilled. On a couple occasions, I have to hold the phone away from my ear, the bellowing is so loud. My justification: It’s a phase. She’s seven years younger than me. She’ll grow out of it.
  3. The closet crammed full of designer shoes and designer clothing. On a part-time fifteen-dollar-an-hour wage.
  4. The Sex and the City ringtone on her phone. That damn song haunts me to this day.
  5. The way she walks a step ahead of me. She will not let me lead.

I knew these were red flags. I didn’t care. Here’s why.

  1. Her parents had a strong marriage. High school sweethearts, fun people, very loving.
  2. Her parents also liked me. A lot. Her dad gets drunk and falls off a roof into a pool the first night that I meet him. The second night I meet him, he tells me he loves me after I go around finishing other people’s cocktails in a tiki bar. Honestly, I loved that guy too. Everybody does. He is the life of the party, a larger than life character, an absolute force of nature. The type of guy that they will tell stories about for decades after he passes away. You know the type.
  3. I have total confidence in my ability to overcome relationship problems through the force of my own will.
  4. She’s smart. I assume I can reason with a smart person. (You know what they say about assumptions.)

I don’t remember how this happened in my head, but a year and a half of this rapturous passion goes by, without dimming, and I decide it’s time that we should get married. I search for and find a travel package – only $1000 for a winter trip for two to Vienna, Austria, plane and hotel included. She’d always wanted to go there.

I suggest the vacation. She gives an enthusiastic thumbs up. I purchase the package, then give her a card a day later. Inside I write: Do you know what’s going to happen in Vienna? As she reads it, I hold her eyes.

“What’s going to happen?” she says.

“Let’s go shopping this Saturday,” I reply.

Now she’s all excited. “For what?”

“You know for what,” I say.

Her eyes light up. She’s running around like a beautiful but overstimulated rat. That Saturday, with her at my side, I purchase the seven-thousand-dollar ring of her dreams, on credit. That was two months’ salary, more or less, at that time. Yes, I followed the classic advice for chumps, not knowing any better. (Today? It would be an eighty-dollar ring, or maybe just a kiss on the cheek.)

Interesting thing, though, was that I was the driver of the engagement and the marriage, not her. This is not typical. Usually men have to be dragged into a relationship. I guess it shows how certain I was that we were meant to be together.

Regardless, when we come back from Vienna with a pair of rings on our fingers, I have no idea of the absolute shitshow that was about to enter my life. And she is going to be the star.

 

Coming up in Part 2: How it all went bad.

 

*some identifying details have been changed.

  • Jammyjaybird

 

Author: Jim Johnson

As a man in his early 40's, I grew up on a dairy farm in an irreligious home. Disgusted with the choice of women out there, I looked into religion to find a worthwhile mate. At 23, I joined the LDS (Mormon) faith, married, became a civil engineer, and now have six children. My favorite things are puppies, long walks on the beach, and the color blue (not really).

261 thoughts on “STORIES OF MY EX-WIFE – PART 1* – Jammyjaybird”

      1. I thought raw was just understood for a hetero. You just assume it raw unless you specify with a condom.

    1. Jammy’s PUA game resulted in some collateral damage. Innocent gaystanders succumbed.

        1. always here to enlighten us.
          hey slim you have any opinion/knowledge of the red light district in amsterdam?

          1. Never been there personally, but from what others have told me, the women are a bit long in the tooth.

    2. Faye Dunaway talks about “always riding bareback” in the movie Chinatown, and I’m sure she was talking about anal.

  1. Good article jammy. I made the same mistake of thinking because a woman is smart she could be rational and reasoned with.

    1. Oh they all carry the capacity for exhibiting insane Girl Logic.
      Some live in a perpetual state of that insanity; others have a couple days a month.
      It’s a feature, not a bug.

    2. smart? what the fuck does that even mean? She remembers stuff from college? She doesn’t lick a fork and stick it in a socket? She can do math in her head without her iphone app?

      dafuq does smart even mean? Smart? Not like people say, like dumb, but smart and deserve respect?

      A woman is emotional. If she can control that well enough not to make you crazy and makes you feel like you are a great guy and doesn’t spend her human currency on junk food then that’s great. If a man works hard (his whole life and doesn’t apologize to take care of his family), does his best, remains faithful and treats her right then that’s great. After that, smart? Fuck that. I can look shit up on my phone.

      1. She was good engineer, had her PE. She had her shit together and could have a technical conversation with. All things that i now see mean less that dick in terms of the relationship.

        1. You should probably, when meeting a woman, pick out the qualities that are most pronounced about her and say “oh man she is an amazing……..” and see if it is something you would brag about

          “Hey horst, just met this chick…she is a GREAT engineer” doesn’t seem like something I would ever say…

            1. Sometimes i sit and wonder if i shouldn’t just find a fat chick who will be so appreciative that i am anywhere near her she will spend her life in the pursuit of making me happy.

              1. It never works like that. As soon as you let down your guard, she’ll get all entitled. Next thing you know, she’ll be banging other dudes and telling her friends that you don’t appreciate her and shit.

              2. I got a fat one orbiting me right now. I just cant do it, just not attractive enough for me.

                1. Last year, in a bar, I got bodyslammed by a 300-lb tattooed whale because I wasn’t paying attention to her. I weigh 220 and the force of her blubber as it walloped me in the back sent me stumbling forwards.

              3. you’ll never get near a fat chick for a relationship. if your SMV is too far above her own, she’ll sabotage it first.
                women blow up their own futures ALL THE TIME.

                1. probably right there. just a thought though. Like some girl with a 4 SMV who basically treats you like a pharaoh. I guess all guys think it now and again

  2. IMO, a sense of humor in a woman is a red flag as well. Women are not naturally funny. If they are funny, they are trying to take charge of the situation. Sure they can go along with your jokes, but you should be the instigator, not her. My friend’s mom has a sense of humor, and I found her crass and obnoxious. On a young girl it can be great, but rarely can it be pulled by some post wall chick. There are few exceptions, Betty white being one. Most become like rosanne Barr.

    1. That’s interesting. Humor in a woman is often linked to dominance.

      Except “shared joke / experience” call-back humor, which is more an intimacy play.

    2. when they hashtag #bossbabe that means they are well on their way to carpet munching.

    3. Betty White always played very feminine characters. Look at Rose in Golden Girls. She was the sweet, innocent ditz.
      Nobody wants crassness in a woman, true. But I’d take a young Betty White. Or better yet, that chick Zooey Deschanel, who is a young version of her.

      1. Would be a good way to finance it. And add you can finance a section of wall and you get a plaque with your name on it on the section.

        1. Crowd Sourced Berlin Wall where the so-called oppressed want to stay on their side.

  3. This is going to be an interesting series of articles. Thanks, Jammy.

    It’s interesting that you knew the red flags but proceded anyway. That seems to be a theme in this corner of the world.

    Does anyone ever change his mind because of a red flag or are they entirely useless except in retrospect?

    @WB Fitness: is there a philosophical term for knowledge that everyone ignores when it would actually be useful? Knowledge that is revered only in retrospect when it does no good?

    1. IME once you come out of the other side of the wringer, then red flags take on real importance.
      Before that, I viewed them as guidelines, that I was somehow the exception to the rule. Nope.

      1. Sounds good to me.

        It seems like a lot of our knowledge and wisdom is carefully calibrated to make us feel good (or at least informed in retrospect) without inflicting the discomfort of actually influencing behavior.

        That is to say it is functionally useless and exists solely for mental titillation.

      2. This is not to say you should bludgeon the women you meet with million-dollar words packed into every sentence. Rather, subtly intermingle interesting and rarely used words into everyday conversation. Stepping up your vocabulary will set you apart from the average slack-jawed monosyllabic beta. Commit yourself to learning and adding a new word to your vocabulary daily. This guidance applies to learning and peaking foreign languages as well.

          1. I wonder what happened to the real beartastico…you know that guy who popped up now and then to verify GOJ’s outrageous claims and tell everyone how right and alpha he was? That guy was cool

    2. I think its the biological imperative. Some aspect of evolutionary psychology. When you are younger and your impulse to breed is higher, I think you trick yourself with emotions to overlook facts. You think about it, there is no reason back in the caveman days for a male to stay with a female unless the irrational aspects of the biological imperative could overcome the rational survival instinct.

      1. What’s really scary is that you see a big spike in divorces/breakups at the same time (5 to 7 years) that new offspring typically develop an immune system strong enough to survive.
        We’re a bunch of preprogrammed hormones.

      2. Yeah, but if he didn’t both the woman and the baby would die. He had to stick around or none of us would be here.

        1. That’s my point. Evolutionary psychology. The only genes that were passed down were the ones that stuck around despite logic and rationality telling him to get the fuck out.

    3. Cognitive dissonance is close to what you describe. You know right and wrong, yet you chose to do the wrong thing anyways

  4. What women want is to feel dominated and secure with a strong male. This is what women Crave, to be in the presence of a man to whom she can let go of all pretenses and just simply be a pleasant submissive woman. The problem comes in when the man fails to provide that strength to her, when he has Low-T and is not the alpha she either expects or has experienced before. Then the shit tests ramp up in frequency (they never stop of course), the fights start and then, of course, the drama and divorce.

            1. Side note, there is a butcher near me that does a burger blend of brisket, sirloin and chuck. it is 8.99/pound. When you go in and buy a pound they ground it fresh right in front of you. Patty it up, a little salt and fry in cast iron with butter simple….best burger you’ll ever have

                1. I love this guy. Pollack. Speaks no English that doesn’t involve butchering. I haven’t had a butcher who was like that in years. Didn’t even think they still existed.

  5. Love the image, Jim. “Now gather round at my knee, children, and let me tell you a story of the she-wolf who almost devoured me when I was a young man…”

    1. For me, I just go my Patent Pending “make a two line joke into a 3 minute story that seems to be based on reality and then spring a Gotcha on her” method, gets them every single time. Pussy on the half shell, served up neat. Heh

    1. hmm. i though rawdog and bareback were both for heteros… but I’m not exactly up to speed on gay slang.
      edit: we RAWDOGGED.
      better?

  6. Is this real? Or another roast post?
    If real the JJB, you were only clearing 3.5k per month at 30???

    1. lol not a roast.
      I work freelance, and every year is different. I honestly don’t remember what I was making at age 30 but I do know that my income went up quite steadily from age 28 to 38. Then it took a hit at that point, after the divorce, when I changed cities and industries… still rebuilding, but life goes on…

    1. why spend more than a split second on anything realted to that drunken dumb whore?
      Really!
      Time is precious. Why waste it thinking about her?
      Just make a godfather related joke about the broad if anything.

  7. OT (On Topic)
    I for one am patiently waiting for part 2 of this story. Legit wanna know what happened next.

Comments are closed.