Pizza In Name Only

A common subject that is discussed in the pasta community is the happenings  of  eye-talian food and how modern society props them up on an undeserving pedestal, giving them benefits simply due to “muh pizza.

True, there are many issues that seek to remove the agency and accountability of our carby foods, but how often to we turn the focus around on ourselves?  How often do we look at what we as pizza consumers are doing?

No, I’m not talking about bullshit things like “toxic mozzarella ,” but rather how modern society is just letting pizza happen.

This article is purely my own opinion based on observation and some speculation, but I’m willing to bet I’m not far off in identifying the factors that have created so many PINO’s, or Pizza In Name Only.

It is my belief that places like Little Caesars plays a large part in this degradation of pizza.  Browse the internet for 5 minutes and you’ll see plenty of “fat asses” who are behaving in ways that are unbecoming of their health.  The problem is only exacerbated by corner pizza shops.

Symptoms

I won’t spend much time on this section, but some of the chronic symptoms I find in these PINO’s are as follows:

  • Pizza Chains – Holding onto miniscule or nonexistent menu items that contain no real food in them.
  • Pizza By The Slice – While I will admit the occasional papa johns run can be fun and edible, many PINO’s can’t seem to do anything  produce garbage pizzas.  The concept of having a slice is not a foreign idea, but an impossible one.
  • No Toppings – Many PINO’s hold no loyalties to anyone (even with a coupon!)  and will just as soon eat a plain pizza just to get cheap pie.
  • Emotional Attachment to Food – You’ll see this often on pizza discussions.  One fat fuck will make a fairly benign, logical statement and someone will immediately reply with an ad hominem at them or decry their lack of understanding about nutrition.  No attempt is made to refute their statement or to understand why pizza “happened”

Causes

So what causes these disgusting behaviors in the pizza biz?  Why have we largely replaced the noble virtues of our ancestors for a thumbs up on a Yelp review? The rabbit hole goes deep and for brevity’s sake, I will not get into the biological portion of my speculation, theres maple sausage to be had.

Instead, I will focus on how Big Pizza has altered our minds and brought us to where we are today.

  • Instant Gratification – This is by far, the biggest underlying issue.  With the push of a Uber Eats button, you can get a shit tier pie delivered to you right away.
  • Anonymity – Anonymity, in the hands of good, can be a powerful tool to speak truth while avoiding any harm from outraged opposition.  When your pizza arrives, send your wife to the door to get it, because if the internet is to be believed, he has a maple sausage pizza for her in that box.
  • False Fulfillment–As you eat these shitty pizzas, you feel a little dead inside, and all the chemicals in that “cheese” is actually killing you.

Don’t Fall Into the Trap

It’s incredibly easy to gradually get sucked into this mindset.  If you DO get into a proper pizza shop often, surround yourself with people that push you to  eat better.  The old saying that “If you’re the fattest person in a pizzeria, then you’re in the wrong pizza buffet” definitely applies.  Find people that challenge you physically, spiritually, and intellectually and pizzaly.

If you’re in a toxic pizza shop, quietly leave.  Don’t try to change the sauce.  That’s not your job.  Just pack up your slice and leave.  If you believe the pizza shop will resent you and come after you, do as much damage control (fuck that pizza up) as you can before leaving.  Be friendly. Trash any old receipts or crusts of yours hanging out there.  Be sure to be the bigger (heh) man and only take what is yours and nothing more (or just order 2 pies next time).  Do not try to seek revenge on the shop owner as you’re on your way out.  Just finish your pie, and roll out.

You got one life to live.  Don’t spend it going after sub-par pies from chains. (doesn’t that just TASTE pathetic?). Spend your time enjoying sauce, real cheese, and not being a carb in a crust.

You were called to eat greater.  Your ancestors struggled and suffered to perfect pizza just so you could be fat today.  Are you respecting their efforts or squandering them?

Author: Jnyx

Fitness addict, DIY guru, tech nerd, member of Memesters Local 419.

143 thoughts on “Pizza In Name Only”

          1. They drink it pisswarm because they’re savages without basic refrigeration. Stone Age imbeciles.

    1. There is a place in little odessa on 108th street in the Russian area of forest hills….i haevn’t been there in years so not sure if it is there anymore, but it is called Pizza Sushi Bagel

        1. awwman, that awning was great. Pizza SUshi Bagel. Never been there. I used to go to this great little russian store called Mona and MIsha or some shit over there when i would have russian theemed parties. Always laughed when i saw that place

        1. isn’t that the guy who bent spoons with his brain by looking at them the way melania trump stares out into space as she attempts to not think about the thousands of dicks that have been inside her?

          1. Nah it’s Nicholas Cage’s only redeemable role, ever.

            Side note: literally everyone in this thread who hasn’t seen Lord of War, go see it now. Preferably stream it for free.

        1. Pound Town has some of the best bars around. Ever been to The Mine Shaft or The Cockpit? Oh, and I would be remiss to not mention The Hole in The Wall. Heh.

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  2. Yeah so I’m gonna need a chicken mask, letter jacket, an XM-42 flamethrower and a boom box blasting The Beach Boys.

    This has gone on for too long.

  3. Hanging out at a les Schwabs tires in Hermiston Oregon. Must have ran over something yesterday. Going to write something up about my kids’ step cousin. Four kids, four different fathers turning 30 with no prospect of a stable life

      1. I reckon. Going from house to house visiting people. Everyone wants to stuff you. This two thanksgivings in two weekends plus restaurant food is not good for me, good food though

    1. Send us a postcard from hermiston. What do they have there? Just a bunch of trees and rubbish.?

      Keep your children away from that person unless you explain beforehand how they are a failure and an example of what to avoid doing.

    1. Can’t do it. They use sugar in their crust so it proofs fast rather than letting good yeast and flour have its time and the sauce is shallow and pedantic. Plastic cheese. I don’t eat enough pizza to fool around. When I indulge i go big: Downtown Slice Joe’s on Carmine, Midtown Slice, Sofia. Uptown slice Patsy’s.

      As for pies there are a few decent options but this is just a comment on slice shops.

        1. The Patsy’s chain is all good but the one on 114th street especially so. There is a reason. Ingredients and quality is very consistent through all the different locations, but in NYC coal burning ovens are illegal now and only a veyr few pizza jernts have them grandfathered in…the patsy’s on E114th is one of them. Not sure what the story is near you. They may have coal I don’t know the zoning. But there are very few places here with coal and coal is the way to go. Cook tht fucker at 1400 degrees and get that char taste with rock hard outside on crust and doughy inside.

          1. The story is that it is in the Marina in a joint that used to be a bar called “The Waterfront”.
            I would drink at “The Waterfront” from time to time.
            I’ll give Patsy’s a shot.

      1. Shallow and pedantic
        ….
        ….
        There’s a place around here that does great pizza. They have those huge slices that are cut up. I went there a couple weeks ago. Got one with prosciutto, some kind of stinky cheese etc. Very good.

        1. You never did divulge where you are from.
          At least not that I recall.
          For some reason I am thinking West Coast. San Diego maybe. But that’s just my guess.

    1. half of her district can barely speak english dood- she was probably speaking spanish while campaigning

      1. I don’t care where you’re from or what language you speak. Those eyes are universal! Why would you willingly give those eyes political power?

    2. she left out the chamber of secrets, chamber of horrors, the chamber of commerce, the chamber of starlight and the chamber of the heart.This doesn’t even touch on Diane Chambers, Tim Chambers and the visionary work in chamber music, Mozart’s Piano Sonata in A Minor

              1. If we just get tough with the laws of thermodynamics we can get free everything for everybody. Anything less is Hitler.

                1. energy cannot neither be created nor destroyed- it only changes forms.
                  thats muh white patriarchy talking! South Carolina represent!

              2. that is an excellent thing to demand. Think about it.

                It ain’t gonna happen, but it only alienates people who already don’t like her, it pumps up people who do like her and there is no real consequence for her not doing shit for 10 years at which point she will just be a minor footnote anway.

                It’s the smart move

                  1. you want to JFK me you will need to get in line. That line starts back and to the left….back…….and to the left………back…………….and to the left.

      1. I find her insectine. Face like a grasshopper or caterpillar.

        Her absolute ignorance of civics, philosophy, and commerce combined with her ludicrous new power as a member of the House is an infamia.

    3. I doubt she’s much more ignorant than most of her colleagues — she’s just naive enough to put herself out there.

      The three branches of government are Washington D.C., journalism, and lobbyists.

      1. Did you just threaten me? How very oppressive of you. Ill have you know: i am unafraid and i have takem numeruous womems kick boxing classes. I also have a cats head shaped key ring that is useful for punching nazis. Take your colonilaist mindset back to infowars. Shill.

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