A common subject that is discussed in the pasta community is the happenings of eye-talian food and how modern society props them up on an undeserving pedestal, giving them benefits simply due to “muh pizza.
True, there are many issues that seek to remove the agency and accountability of our carby foods, but how often to we turn the focus around on ourselves? How often do we look at what we as pizza consumers are doing?
No, I’m not talking about bullshit things like “toxic mozzarella ,” but rather how modern society is just letting pizza happen.
This article is purely my own opinion based on observation and some speculation, but I’m willing to bet I’m not far off in identifying the factors that have created so many PINO’s, or Pizza In Name Only.
It is my belief that places like Little Caesars plays a large part in this degradation of pizza. Browse the internet for 5 minutes and you’ll see plenty of “fat asses” who are behaving in ways that are unbecoming of their health. The problem is only exacerbated by corner pizza shops.
I won’t spend much time on this section, but some of the chronic symptoms I find in these PINO’s are as follows:
- Pizza Chains – Holding onto miniscule or nonexistent menu items that contain no real food in them.
- Pizza By The Slice – While I will admit the occasional papa johns run can be fun and edible, many PINO’s can’t seem to do anything produce garbage pizzas. The concept of having a slice is not a foreign idea, but an impossible one.
- No Toppings – Many PINO’s hold no loyalties to anyone (even with a coupon!) and will just as soon eat a plain pizza just to get cheap pie.
- Emotional Attachment to Food – You’ll see this often on pizza discussions. One fat fuck will make a fairly benign, logical statement and someone will immediately reply with an ad hominem at them or decry their lack of understanding about nutrition. No attempt is made to refute their statement or to understand why pizza “happened”
So what causes these disgusting behaviors in the pizza biz? Why have we largely replaced the noble virtues of our ancestors for a thumbs up on a Yelp review? The rabbit hole goes deep and for brevity’s sake, I will not get into the biological portion of my speculation, theres maple sausage to be had.
Instead, I will focus on how Big Pizza has altered our minds and brought us to where we are today.
- Instant Gratification – This is by far, the biggest underlying issue. With the push of a Uber Eats button, you can get a shit tier pie delivered to you right away.
- Anonymity – Anonymity, in the hands of good, can be a powerful tool to speak truth while avoiding any harm from outraged opposition. When your pizza arrives, send your wife to the door to get it, because if the internet is to be believed, he has a maple sausage pizza for her in that box.
- False Fulfillment–As you eat these shitty pizzas, you feel a little dead inside, and all the chemicals in that “cheese” is actually killing you.
Don’t Fall Into the Trap
It’s incredibly easy to gradually get sucked into this mindset. If you DO get into a proper pizza shop often, surround yourself with people that push you to eat better. The old saying that “If you’re the fattest person in a pizzeria, then you’re in the wrong pizza buffet” definitely applies. Find people that challenge you physically, spiritually, and intellectually and pizzaly.
If you’re in a toxic pizza shop, quietly leave. Don’t try to change the sauce. That’s not your job. Just pack up your slice and leave. If you believe the pizza shop will resent you and come after you, do as much damage control (fuck that pizza up) as you can before leaving. Be friendly. Trash any old receipts or crusts of yours hanging out there. Be sure to be the bigger (heh) man and only take what is yours and nothing more (or just order 2 pies next time). Do not try to seek revenge on the shop owner as you’re on your way out. Just finish your pie, and roll out.
You got one life to live. Don’t spend it going after sub-par pies from chains. (doesn’t that just TASTE pathetic?). Spend your time enjoying sauce, real cheese, and not being a carb in a crust.
You were called to eat greater. Your ancestors struggled and suffered to perfect pizza just so you could be fat today. Are you respecting their efforts or squandering them?