Festivus – For the rest of us

December 23 marks the day that Festivus  is traditionally celebrated. The holiday was created in 1966 By Dan O’Keefe (I thought it was Seinfield, but proved wrong in research), marking the anniversary of his first date with his wife Deborah.

Festivus Pole

Noted for it’s high strength to weight ratio (an admirable quality), an aluminum pole is prominently displayed as festivities are conducted.

Festivus Dinner

What you eat is up to you, but it should be a food that is rather manly in nature. Steak and Potatoes, Chili, or Liver and Onions would suffice. In the particular Seinfield episode, Estelle Costanza served meatloaf on a bed of lettuce.

Airing of Grievences

The “airing of grievances” takes place immediately after the Festivus dinner has been served. Begin with the phrase “I gotta lot of problems with you people, and now you’re going to hear about it!”. Each person has a couple minutes to lash out at others and at the world about how they have been disappointed or mistreated in the past year.

Feats of Strength

Celebrating Festivus includes feats of strength. Traditionally, the head of household will challenge someone to a wrestling match. If he pins them, he will continue to challenge another. When the head of household is finally pinned, the Festivus is finally over. You may adapt feats of strength to arm wrestling matches, the stick pull or other similar competitions.

Festivus Miracles

One thing to mention are the “Festivus Miracles”. If there is any misfortune that happened to any of the parties you aired grievences against in the past year, it is worth noting.

 

Author: Jim Johnson

As a man in his early 40's, I grew up on a dairy farm in an irreligious home. Disgusted with the choice of women out there, I looked into religion to find a worthwhile mate. At 23, I joined the LDS (Mormon) faith, married, became a civil engineer, and now have six children. My favorite things are puppies, long walks on the beach, and the color blue (not really).

294 thoughts on “Festivus – For the rest of us”

  1. Why we faggin’ up the feats of strength! This is what’s wrong with the world, instead of overpowering competition we are walking around pulling our sticks

      1. I pay to bang her.
        And she rather have a pimple face kid???
        What’s next? Cats and dogs sleeping together?

        1. 2 things wrong with this. She’s banging a 13 year old. He doesn’t have the capability to grow zits yet. and number 2. Why is he in the sixth grade at age 13? he will be a 16 year old freshman?!

          1. bc he is a somali refugee and he is actually 26 years old?
            edit: I aint kidding. this nonsense is happening all over europe

                1. the only situation where I would contemplate suicide. I could see a bitch fucking a 17 year old dude, but 13…I’m thinking my game is so bad that I got beat by elementary school game…kid was still in a grade where recess is mandatory.

        2. Loo: And who are they?
          Dr. Klahn: Refuse, found in waterfront bars.
          Loo: Shanghaied?
          Dr. Klahn: Just lost drunken men who don’t know where they are and no longer care
          .Prisoner #1: Where are we?
          Prisoner #2: I don’t care!
          Loo: And these?
          Dr. Klahn: These are lost drunken men who don’t know where
          they are, but do care! And these are men who know where they are and
          care, but don’t drink.
          Prisoner #3: I don’t know where I am?
          Prisoner #4: And I don’t drink!
          Dr. Klahn: Guards! [to prisoner] Do you care?
          Prisoner #5: No.
          Dr. Klahn: Put this man in cell #1, and give him a drink
          .Guard: What do you drink?
          Prisoner #5: I don’t care.

          1. We want information, information INFORMATION!
            Who are you?
            I am the new number 2.
            Who is number 1?!?!?
            You are…Number 6!

          2. Oh!
            Now I recognize it!
            Enter the Dragon!
            The old brain doesn’t work as fast as it used to.

            Or is it Kentucky Fried Movie???

      2. I’ve said it before; if this was when I was in 6th grade, not only is she hot, we would tell no one and extort good grades out of that bitch

      3. See, “bored”. She needs a man to fuck her daily. Soon, shes gonna need to stay pregnant for a decade or so.

          1. Is calling me Mexican gonna get your wall or bring justice . No I choose to forgo Mexico for a very selfish reason

        1. I had the exact same thought. I bet there is a Festivus comment somewhere that Beartastico can find.

  2. Least-Educated State: California No. 1 in Percentage of Residents 25 and Older Who Never Finished 9th Grade; No. 50 in High School Graduates

                1. i was getting a robocall from my CC company. kept hanging up. why? bc it was in spanish first. THEN english..I finally let it play long enough to find out why they were calling me

                  1. As fucked as Trump was, he was basically the last hope we had. Now that he’s caved on the wall, it’s time to just learn Spanish and start drinking tequila.

                    1. end game was to break us up into 4 or 5 countries anyway. I wonder who the reconquista will put on their currency? Antonio Banderas?

              1. Better than that… where are all the white supremacists? The media keeps telling us that the US is full of violent, frothing-at-the-mouth white supremacists that are routinely beating up and murdering “people of color” and other evil white supremacist terrorism. Why aren’t all those fucks down at the border burning crosses and beating up Mexicans and shit?

                1. They’re in the minds of the leftys, where they’ve always been. They legit fantasize about being oppressed by evil white supremacists.

                  1. the assimilated never go hungry. Why the left and some immigrants cannot understand this simple concept is beyond my understanding.

          1. one of my fave cali stories: there is a HS in LA county that has a nursery for the girl’s babies. money well spent

    1. Don’t forget the beta Prince of fucking England who married a used up whore, older than he is, and he’s giving up hunting because she is a fucking vegan or some shit.

            1. u didnt know that? lol, yeah I seen pic of supposed father, a military guy…red hair, squinty eyes…

          1. Hunting is growing in my neck of the woods amongst the youth. The state has even cranked up funding of the Youth programs/training to accommodate the load. Most young men have zero experience with any kind of real life and death scenarios, outside of playing video games, so a good hunt or even round of fishing can help make men out of them and get some of that repressed hair on their chest sprouting. Heh.

              1. My high school chemistry teacher used to hunt wild pigs with a knife. Even had photos. Some kind of he-man thing he had annually with his buddies from the Army (he was a WW2 vet). The guy was crazy, in a good way. Heh.

          2. What a fag. Is she half black? I remember hearing her say all this shit about “muh raycism” when they were ingaged but she doesnt even look black.

          3. Doing shit because your parents tell you to might be even faggier. I’d like to know what HE thinks, if anything…

  3. Sitting in a London bar in 2009. While I was dressed nicer than my normal biker attire, I was still wearing my western hat and boots (and jeans and a button up shirt). I was looking, if I might say so myself, quite snazzy. This immediately attracted the attention of a couple of British birds, who made it a point to come over and say hello and we chatted for a while, nothing major, whatever.

    Girls leave and I turn back to my drink and staring out the window. Three lads walk over and just stand around my table. The biggest was a full, maybe, 5’6″ and 170lbs sopping wet. They were kind of sloppy dressed and clearly at least two of them were drunk.

    “We’d all be better off if you just leave, mate” (this apparently over women talking to me while ignoring them?)
    Sensing “Oh fuck, what now” I stood up and towered over them. The speaker gets these saucer type eyes.

    Me: (in semi-redneck Ohio accent) “Mind your own business, runt”

    They do this weird look between them and turn and leave. Nothing more said, just a silent retreat. Strangest encounter I’ve ever had in my life regarding what I thought was going to turn into a bar fight. I can only assume that they were flagrant cowards. Not sure if this completely relates to the article, but even then, what, 9 years ago they struck me as cowards airing grievances who think numbers give them superiority, and the moment they encountered push back they turned tail and fled like little puppies.

    These are not the men who endured the raids on London in the 1940’s. Shamefully, these men are descended from the men who my grandparents stood shoulder to shoulder with against the Germans. I was kind of ashamed to be only 2 generations removed from these people. Heh.

      1. As I’ve said before, one of the key components to being an excellent conversationalist is getting the person you’re talking to, to talk about herself and then act interested (and sometimes, it can be actually interesting). Keep stringing her along with single sentence questions about her favorite topic (see: herself) and you’re in. Throw in a funny story or two that relates to her own gabbing about herself and she’ll think you’re the greatest person in the world. Then, you guessed – Pound Town! Heh.

  4. Wow, I’ve heard that there is actually a deal being discussed to resurrect funding for the Wall… in exchange for funding some massive federal tunnel project in New York. Fucking New York may end up saving the Republic, lol

        1. We’re just going to give California to Mexico. No need to be sneaky about it or spend money on shoddy construction projects.

            1. California, New Mexico, Arizona, Texas… think they’ll stop there? Michigan is already turning into Somali, too.

      1. Here in THE UTAH, we dont worry about walls or any of that nonsense. No one would want to come here anyway.

  5. When im not playing stick pull, procreating and littering the world with my seed, I bring myself to very vexing questions “red zone or white zone”

    1. I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain.

  6. False Dichotomy, Its not “be in any religious cult or opt out” only. Try being old school Mormon. Its so rare these days women fall all over themselves to get into your magic underwear.

    If you’re tall, in shape, and are “Utah” looking, you get the IOIs left and right without even trying. Mormon women are fucking “thirsty” for mormon men, and their religion has only about a 5% population of inbreeding, normally a second cousin or uncle but even then…. Well suffice to say that they’re looking outside their gene pool now, for morman men who strike traditional religious cues in their minds.

    Theres a reason my wife wants 58.95 children with me, and it has nothing to do with being a trained comedy jahovas whitness (because Elohim, I aint one) This isnt to say be non-denominational, far from it, but dont lower your dignity to becoming “Hubbard the Dancing Scientologist” as if its the only way to be one with God. If it IS the only way for you, ok, whatever, but its not the *only* way as a rule for everybody else.

    Fuck being a Lutheran

  7. Where do you think you’re going? Nobody’s leaving. Nobody’s walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Festivus. No, no. We’re all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We’re gonna press on, and we’re gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Festivus since Bem tap-danced with Grape fucking Fruit. And when Brojira squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he’s gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse.

    Hey. If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I’d like GOJ, my hoss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there in THE OHIO with all the other elite viking people and I want him brought right here…with a big ribbon on his head! And I want to look him straight in the eye, and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-breeding, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-assed, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed, sack of monkey shit he is! Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where’s the Kratom?

        1. Bango the funny chimpboy. One of last things real goj said. He was trying to insult us.
          Then we had monkey day/ weekish.
          Someone, probably the potato, made an account named bango the funny chimpboy

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