99 Rules, Part X

10. A glass of wine or two with lunch will not ruin your day.

OK…I’m a Mormon, so I shouldn’t agree with this rule. But, rules are rules and I need to abide by them. So as long as you don’t let it define who you are.

Is it getting hot in here?????

In all honesty, as it pertains to you guys, you did not take on that baptismal covenant, so I don’t think it pertains to your salvation. I am the one who has to repent of such evil misdeeds on such a hypothetical occasion. (See rule #4)

Author: Jim Johnson

As a man in his early 40's, I grew up on a dairy farm in an irreligious home. Disgusted with the choice of women out there, I looked into religion to find a worthwhile mate. At 23, I joined the LDS (Mormon) faith, married, became a civil engineer, and now have six children. My favorite things are puppies, long walks on the beach, and the color blue (not really).

142 thoughts on “99 Rules, Part X”

  1. I also don’t believe in wine. For years I paid my people extra so they wouldn’t do that kind of business.

    Somebody comes to them and says, “I have grapes; if you put up three, four thousand dollar investment – we can make fifty thousand distributing.” So they can’t resist. I want to control it as a business, to keep it respectable. I don’t want it near schools – I don’t want it sold to children! That’s an infamia.

    In my city, we would keep the traffic in the hipsters – the weird lesbian aunts. They’re animals anyway, so let them lose their souls.”

    1. This is from that movie where they set a whale free, right? What was it..? Trapped UR MOM. Or something

      1. B+ for combining a UR MOM with a your-mom-is-so-fat joke, but D- on the delivery. We’ll call it a C average.

      1. A fun game to play with the homeless is tell one that another was talking shit. Then tell the other the same thing. Offer them a beer to the winner.

        1. America’s homeless people are pretty weak. It’s hard to get them to fight each other anymore, even if you offer them beer. They’re just lazy and scared to get hurt. SAD.

          That’s why we have to import 400,000 illegal aliens a year. We need better, tougher homeless. Mexican homeless people will slit your throat and set a tire on fire around your neck just for looking at them wrong. That’s the kind of quality we need under overpasses and in back alleys all across this great nation of ours.

          Doing the jobs American homeless just won’t do.

        1. Oddly enough, If I were single, I would have a go at it. Reminds me of this chick I knew back when I was 22. We called her snaggletooth. Decent body but constantly drunk.

                1. The “citrus fruit” in your description gave it away. I mean, along with the obviously Level 7 case of Assburgers.

              1. “you scumbag you maggot, you cheap lousy faggot….”

                ah, it does take “jingle bells” up a notch dont it?

  2. How was everyone’s Christmas?

    We went back and forth between houses for two days. Fun but tiring. I’m still full.

        1. Got two of the boys BB guns this year, My oldest got a air rifle that shoot pellets, and the 6 year old got a Red Ryder spring action bb gun. Took them to this gun range to test them out. Had my 14 year old wheeling through snow for his first time. Good stuff.

            1. No interesting stories with the BB guns, shot up some targets. I found it harder to maintain proper shooting etiquette with a BB gun than when using my .22 or .243. The respect isn’t there.

              1. The respect isn’t there? Well obviously you didn’t warn them sufficiently about the dangers of putting out eyes, and such.

          1. Good gifts, awesome.

            I used to dismiss air rifles until I actually shot one. They’re fun, quiet, and inexpensive.

            Have they shot 22s yet?

            1. Yeah, I have a 22 that I will shoot with the kids. Not ready to let them just take it out and shoot willy-nilly though. The 6 and 8 year olds aren’t big enough to hold it properly yet.

              1. Had a friend shoot me with a copperhead bb on some drunk shit. Next day I load a rifled .188 “BB” and ask him if he wants it through him or his car’s engine block. He took the copperhead x5 option

        1. And then he comes around and wants to shitpost. If he had come to us weeks ago, those posts woukd already be shit

    1. Yes. Ah . the day we celebrate when jesus met santa claus and gave him magic reindeer. What a holiday. Merry christmas

  3. A glass of wine or two certainly will ruin my day if my manager comes out with a “random” drug/alcohol test.

    1. Same here. My boring office job w9nt let me do drugs or drink..
      Hey, are you somebodys secret admirer?

  4. Drinking storytime………

    I think I was 20 at the time (all my drinking stories happen when I was 20-22). My brother and a friend of mine took a trip to climb Borah Peak (tallest in Idaho). On the trip back towards Oregon, we stopped at the drag races outside of Boise ID. While there, I asked one of the locals where a good place to go camping is. This kid drew out a map for us, and said this is the spot. It was a little ways north of where we were going, but it was close enough. We drive there, and it was a multiple kegger, probably 200 kids or more out in this meadow. Had a huge bonfire going. Good thing we bought some beer to contribute. There was this one kid that we ended up hanging out with, he would drink 2-3 beers, puke, then repeat. Kept doing that all night. When 6 am rolled around, he took off, said he had to go pick up hay bales that day. It was getting into the triple digits that week. Tough kid, must have put 40 beers down that night, and put up 20, then go work hard the next day. The guy was a legend in my book.

    A year later, we were passing through the area again, and asked this 20 something girl if she knew where this kid Matt was. She looked at me with disgust, “why would you want to know where HE is????” funny.

      1. Over the weekend, I actually entered my last name in a chick’s phone as something “__tastico,” with the first part connected to whatever the heck we were talking about.

        Shit comes in handy.

      2. If it had been a tastico tale, he would have banged the 20-something year old girl and her super hot twin sister with his 19.59″ pythons.

  5. One year I traveled to Scotand. In the (likely one single solitary) pub on the Isle of Skye, I literally was NOT allowed to buy my own drinks, the entire place insisted on playing the three Beach Boy songs on the juke box because “‘Merica” and I had an amazing time conversing with Scottish Lumberjacks. Scottish Lumberjacks means, of course, that they possessed four times the T level of normal men. You combine being Scot and a Lumberjack at your own peril. Heh.

    1. now I need to see if “Scottish Lumberjack” is actually a job anymore- I thought there were only like 95 trees left in the entire country

        1. they still got em I think, doesnt say “chop down trees” in job description though

          Expro
          Group are currently recruting for a Cased Hole Logging Supervisor to
          join their Well Intervention Operation based in Aberdeen. The sucessful
          candidate will be required to operate Cased Hole Services equipment, on
          location, in a professional, competent and safe manner in order to
          satisfy the clients requirements.

          Principal Accountabilities:

          To take reasonable care to prevent harm to themselves.

          To consider the potential for harm to others or the environment that may be caused by their acts or omissions.

          To work in accordance with information and training provided.

          To refrain from intentionally misusing or recklessly
          interfering with anything that has been provided for Health, Safety and
          Environment reasons.

          To report any hazardous defects in plant, equipment and
          workplace, or shortcomings in the existing controls, to a responsible
          person without delay.

          Not to undertake any task for which authorisation and/or training has not been given.

          To work in a safe, responsible and cost effective manner.

          To successfully operate and to have sufficient working knowledge of Cased Hole Services equipment that you are required to use.

          To fully comply with the company’s Quality Assurance and Health and Safety Systems.

          To pack and loadout equipment in a correct and efficient manner.

          Compile end of job report to required standard in a timely and efficient manner.

          To produce instrument performance reports and equipment status
          sheet on completion of the job and ensure they are copied to the
          Maintenance Supervisors.

          Communicate to Line Supervisors/Managers any concerns, suggestions, ideas and improvements.

          Remain fully informed on software changes, tool upgrades and recent operational problems.

          Establish good rapport with onsite client engineers.

          Assist in the base, making reports, packing kits etc. when required.

          To remain alert to onsite opportunities for providing other group services.

          To be available for work at short notice when required.

          To be available for overseas work when required.

          Attend pre and post-test Client meetings when required.

          To train other engineers in specific areas of your expertise when required by the Operations Supervisors/Managers.

          The job holder reports directly to the Operations Supervisor.
          The job holder operates CHS on location in a professional, competent and
          safe manner in order to satisfy the client’s requirements.

          Job Knowledge and Experience:

          Extensive oilfield experience in Cased Hole Logging services.

          E-line experience

          Explosive services (perforating, plug setting, tubing punch and tubing cutter)

          Multi-Finger Caliper

          Working in a Senior or Supervisory capacity in the field

          30+ days ago – original job

          1. That’s fucking awesome. The first required in this job is to not fuck yourself up while doing it. Brilliant.

    2. The gayest fantasy, maybe ever. Biker cowboy getting his ass plowed by “Scottish lumberjacks?” Christ.

  6. >10. A glass of wine or two with lunch will not ruin your day.

    >OK…I’m a Mormon, so I shouldn’t agree with this rule.

    What about that time a few months ago where you got completely smashed and confessed your secret crush on Tess Holiday?

    1. Tess Holiday

      I’m afraid to check, but is this the chick that would have to lose 400 pounds just to be merely obese?

        1. I think I was going to go with Cheez-Whiz Holiday; either way, yes, a less dishonest name is definitely in order.

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