Crazy Mary

Back when I was younger, there was this elderly woman who lived in our small hometown. She was a little off her rocker, the locals called her “Crazy Mary”. She was mostly harmless, although there is a story of her streaking through the neighborhood. (She was in her 70’s at the time).

One year, I went trick-or-treating with my sister. I think I was about 8 at the time. I knocked on the door, and she gave us her dead husband’s socks. I guess she had no more use for them. There was another time that I was over at my brother’s best friend’s house across the street. He had a 4 year old sister who let go a a mylar balloon. Mary was watering flowers in her yard. We go over to her and point at the balloon up in the sky. Our friend runs into the house and grabbs a camera and pretends he is taking pictures. We convince Mary that the balloon is an alien space ship.

My dad has always been a very charitable person, and we would occasionally go over and help her out from time to time. When I was 19, my dad asks me to go over to Mary’s house. She was having problems with her clothes dryer. I go there, and spend an hour or so trying to get the door switch back where it should go. (It popped loose and wouldn’t let the dryer function).  By this time, she was pushing 80. She asks if I am hungry and offers me lunch. Reluctantly, I tell her yes.

She grabs a couple cans of spinach out of the cupboard and proceeds to heat them up on the stove, then she puts a couple slices of toast in the toaster. I do my best to choke down the mess in a polite way. While eating, she asks if I could stay and live with her. I was still a kid and didn’t understand why she wanted someone there. She offered me a couple hundred dollars per month. I turned it down. A few years later, she is moved into a nursing home.

Later on, I come to visit my parent’s with my then fiance at some family get together. My mom reads in the obituaries and mentions Mary’s passing. This sparks a conversation about Mary and all these odd stories about her like I mentioned. While we are all laughing it up, my Dad has a rather disgusted look on his face.

My dad then pipes up, “Do you know why Mary acted the way she did?”… My dad then proceeds to tell how she was in France during World War 2, and the Germans, for one reason or another, beat her and caused brain damage. Her husband served at the time and fell in love with her. Eventually, they married and he moved her back to the States. He died shortly before the trick-or-treating incident.


I’m not sure if this story has anything to do with the manospere, or anything in particular at all. But, it is an interesting story from my life.

Author: Jim Johnson

As a man in his early 40's, I grew up on a dairy farm in an irreligious home. Disgusted with the choice of women out there, I looked into religion to find a worthwhile mate. At 23, I joined the LDS (Mormon) faith, married, became a civil engineer, and now have six children. My favorite things are puppies, long walks on the beach, and the color blue (not really).

243 thoughts on “Crazy Mary”

  1. I’m not sure if this story has anything to do with the manosp[h]ere, or anything in particular at all.

    It has everything to do with being a respectable and compassionate man to your neighbors. And it may, just possibly, someday, have a high return on investment. If you are the more cynical type, think of it as sort of an insurance policy. But we’re all better off when those that can spend a couple hours here and there helping those that need it.

            1. FYI, I do NOT approve of the tofu in this one.
              I would ask for it to not be included.
              Other than that this soup, maewoo tang, is great.

    1. I remember the first time i watched this episode and i got a laugh just when he said fight or flight but when he came back to hit her i totally fucking lost it.

  2. Your pic of “Crazy Mary” reminds me of an old bag I used to see on the Subway all the time.
    With metronome like precision, she would belt out “Please help me, I’m hungry” in a high pitched, almost gnome like voice.

    Do you remember her? The “please help me, I’m hungry!” lady?
    One time I saw her grab a yuppy.
    He got angry and said “Don’t touch me!”
    She fired back in the gnome voice “Don’t ignore me!”
    That was the one and only time I ever heard her say anything other than “Please help me, I’m hungry!”.

    1. When a street person is about to ask me for money, i quickly ask them for money. They are always confused

          1. Wait…You’re in your 20s???
            I knew you were younger than me, but almost 30 years younger???
            Oooh…the deception….

  3. For the love of God, Jim! Please use page breaks and insert “preview” breaks so the whole article doesn’t show up on the main page. It’s really simple to select “view more” and not have to scroll through the whole thing to see other articles. You’re killing me smalls.

    “Insert more tag” is your friend. NOT BEMS FRIEND, your friend.

                1. Yeah, completely playing me and Im too stupid to see it. I honestly think that was HIS admission of bullshit, or the closest were gonna get

    1. I swear everyone in the hood had an adjective preceding or following their name. Im sure WB can attest to this, but I knew a:

      Fat Tom
      Crazy Al(actually my uncle)
      Brian Bags (of dope)
      Dickhead Joe
      Little Jimmy (just hilarious)
      and my personal favorite

      Indian Tone who was not Indian nor named Anthony

      1. The best one i think was Fat Susan. She was a fat girl named susan that everyone called fat susan despite not knowing any other girls named susan. This wasn’t a way to differentiate between susans, it was just that she was fat susan. There was one girl i knew for a few years and i was talking to some friends of mine who also knew her and no one knew her name…just fortune teller….

  4. Always blaming the Germans. I bet she was sleeping with the germans and the french bashed her head after liberation.

      1. She shacked up with an American victor so its not far fetched that she shacked up with a german victor the first time around.

            1. Yeah French girls they want Cartier
              Italian girls want cars
              American girls want everything in the world
              You can possibly imagine
              English girls they’re so prissy
              I can’t stand them on the telephone
              Sometimes I take the receiver off the hook
              I don’t want them to ever call at all
              White girls they’re pretty funny
              Sometimes they drive me mad
              Black girls just wanna get fucked all night
              I just don’t have that much jam
              Chinese girls are so gentle
              They’re really such a tease
              You never know quite what they’re cookin’
              Inside those silky sleeves

              Mick is still my hero

          1. That sentence right there is a work of art.

            You ever wonder why the guy who puts in 60 hours at work, only to come home and do the household chores doesn’t get sex? He is on the losing team, and the wife knows it.

    1. she will spend half that shit on buying lavendar potpourri candles and fancy feast cat food on Amazon. Jeff Wins.

  5. It’s a 11pm…somewhere in Tennessee. Far from the business district of
    Memphis or the country music venues of Nashville. In an impoverished
    town, in a humble…a young man answers a phone call. He is half asleep.
    He angrily reaches for his flip phone…and he wishes he had changed his
    ringtone from the Confederate Anthem to something less annoying.

    -I hope you have a valid reason to call me in this ungodly hour. It’s
    11pm here and I am working tomorrow morning. – says Zak in a clearly
    annoyed voice.

    -“Sorry, bro – it’s only 9pm here in Oregon” , apologises Tim

    “What do you want?” –Zak gets to the point.

    “Erm, well…as you probably know, our Akingscottage domain is about to expire..”

    “And?” – asks Zak angrily.

    “We need some funds to extend the domain” says Tim in a humble tone, prepared to hear an angry reply.

    “Listen to me, my friend. – replies Zak in a calm but menacing voice.-“
    We both know you are just a 20-year old, unemployed, school drop-out.
    You are not a Mormon, let alone a family man with six kids. You created
    this fake character of “Look at me, I am a Mormon convert with a loyal
    wife and six kids”. And the White Supremacist idiots at ROK believed
    your stupidity…because all Mormons are White, right? Unlike you and
    those fools I have actually been to Salt Lake City where about half of
    Mormons out there are actually Samoans. Of course you don’t know this.
    You can’t even afford to travel to Seattle, let alone to travel all the
    way to Utah.

    Plus Mormons have the same faults as any other group of humans. Now,
    wake up to reality. Get a job, go out there and find yourself a girl.
    More importantly, leave me the fuck alone and let me sleep. Unlike you, I
    have a child to take care of and a job to go to. ”

    “Zak” insists Tim” You created Akingscottage. Think about your legacy to the Manoshpere. You have to save our website.”

    “Save what?” asks Zak” The endless sperging of the fruit troll? Pem’s
    memes? ThumbandThrive’s homoerotic romance with his gay lover from New
    Orleans? The “tastico” shit? Gnome of Peterson’s recycled old garbage? “
    Zak laughs. ”Get out of here, man.”

    “Speaking of Gnome of Peterson…I have found out he was actually a troll”.

    “You don’t say, smart guy? “says Zak in a cynical tune” Of course he
    was. I let him hang around in the beginning because he drew in other
    users from ROK. Well, that was at the time when I still believed we
    would actually make a living from this. In all fairness, our old friend
    from London warned us all about this. He was a limey oildriller I know
    …but he was more redpilled than most of your friends on Akingscottage.
    And had more common sense, too.”

    Tim is now lost for words.

    “Are you saying that…” he pauses for second. “I just can’t believe it.
    Maybe IgnoramusFails was right. You and K were in the same league. “

    Zak gets irritated now.

    “I don’t have time for this shit” says Zak. “You can set up websites for
    free nowadays. And you don’t have to use Diskus. There are other
    platforms out here. For free. If you still insist on the current
    settings of the site go to gofundme page and gather funds there. You are
    not getting a cent from me.”

    “But Zak…” insists Tim.

    “Zak is out. Goodnight.” Zak hangs up.

      1. I like to hit on the white girls with black guys. It comes totally out of left field most of the time. I’ve also found, very recently, a couple that goes to the gym apparently to look for guys to fuck the girl and cuck the guy. Heh.

        1. “I think every group of black guys should have at least one white guy in it. ” Dave Chappelle

          1. his most visionary bit was the one about signing a contract/release form prior to having sex..,

          1. there are two hipsters who have been getting on trains, a guy and a girl, and they start with you know what time it is and the girl yells STORY TIME and then starts to read a childrens book while the guy just hands pathetically from the top handle. I don’t like to encourage hipster bs but this is just funny

              1. I don’t know what that is, but here on Long Island, we got our 80s breakdancing movies down pat.

  6. False dichotomy. Its not “be a terrorist or opt out” only. Try being old school Taliban. Its so rare these days that the TSA is basically letting anything on board.

    If you’re tall, in shape, an “explodey” looking, you get a pass through airport security right and left. Americans are fucking *terrified* of the Taliban, and their terrorists only have about 5% of success rate at destroying an entire building, normally those with the name McVeigh and even then…Well suffice to say that they’re looking outside their country for terrorists who strike traditional goat raping cues in their minds.

    There’s a reason I walk around with C4 strapped to my chest, and it has nothing to do with killing non muslims (because Saddam, I am one) This isnt to say hate Western civilization, far from it, but dont lower your dignity to becoming Achmed the Box Cutter Hijacker as if its the only way to get 72 virgins. If it IS the only way for you, ok, whatever, but its not the “only” way as a rule for everybody else.

    Fuck being an cave dweller. هيه!

      1. You make jokes, but let me tell you something.

        Sitting in a Baghdad cave in 2009. While I was dressed nicer than my normal garb attire, I was still wearing my taqiyah and had grenades in my pocket . I was looking, if I might say so myself, quite ”terrortastico”. This immediately attracted the attention of a couple of Iraqi girls, who made it a point to come over show me their ankles, we chatted for a while, nothing major, whatever.

        Girls leave and I turn back to the bomb I was making. Three American soldiers drive a Humvee right into the entrance of the cave. The biggest was a full, maybe, 6.59 meters and 222kg sopping wet. They were kind of sloppy dressed and clearly at least two of them were drunk.

        “We’d all be better off if you just gave us all the natural resources of this country. (this apparently over the local government getting freedom’d without asking for it)
        Sensing “Oh fuck, what now” I stood up and towered over them. The speaker gets these IED type eyes.

        Me: (in Mountainous cave dweller accent I say) “AIAIAIAIAIAIA, ”

        They do this weird look between them and turn and leave. Nothing more said, just a silent retreat. Strangest encounter I’ve ever had in my life regarding what I thought was going to turn into a international conflict. I can only assume that they were looking for weapons of mass destruction. Not sure if this completely relates to the article, but even then, what, 9 years ago they struck me as sweet and sour fucks airing grievances who think technology give them superiority, and the moment they encountered push back they turned tail and fled like Infidels.

        These are not the men who endured fall of the Ottoman empire. Shamefully, these men are descended from the men who my grandparents stood shoulder to shoulder with as they let radical Islam take over our country. I was kind of ashamed to be only 2 generations removed from these people. هيه!

        1. هيه!

          Extremely impressed by anyone who can read or write that language.
          Just looks like random squiggles to me


  7. Quite a story. I would have felt a gutache for a year afterwards.

    Gotta wonder how much of this happens all around us that we never know about.

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