The Ninja

Greetings all you mere mortals, heh. Prepare to bask in the awesomeness of me.

Got a problem? I’ve already been there, done that. Here, let me show you……………………….

Bad job? Have I got an idea for you, heh. Have you considered buying cheap Chinese manufactured junk (heh) and reselling them on Amazon for a 100% mark-up? Or developing your own brand of overnight oats? Maybe you should think about trying upwork.com for an extra buck or million, heh. Or maybe you should just pray real hard for God to drop $1M in your lap while you’re at it? I know you don’t want to work hard, heh, and smart. Just keep hunting those gold pots at the end of the rainbow. I’m sure that will work out for you, heh.

Need to shed some pounds? Heh, well you’ve come to the right place at the right time. Oxycut is the way to go. You’ll have those Viking princesses all over you in no time, heh, heh, hehhhhh. Or just drop an egg in your coffee.

While we’re discussing pills, let’s talk about Testosterone. As your body ages you have to cheat a little to maintain your frame (heh). That’s where the little T pill comes in. Pop that sucker in and return to the vibrancy of your youth. Heh, the women will be falling all over you and you can be free to do your body weight exercises instead of those mean ol’ weights.

Heh, while I’m on it, let’s discuss these lunkheads who use free weights. The poor dears just don’t understand the meanness of a man with a finely oiled beard and pomaded hair pumping out 200 pushups a day. Heh, it drives the wife crazy to see the sweat dripping off your moobs.

Think you need dieting and exercise to lose weight? Nah, just crank up the cold water and watch the fat go down the drain. I mean, heh, you can burn 4.2896 calories in just 30 miserable minutes in an arctic stream of water. Why do jumping jacks when you can crank in the cold, heh? And if you wack off in the shower you can burn a few more calories. That’s the only way your pecker will see action if you live like this anyway.

 

Heh, heh, heh, hehhhhhhhh

 

Social Justice Mentality

Isaiah 30:8-10,12-14 KJV

[8] Now go, write it before them in a table, and note it in a book, that it may be for the time to come for ever and ever: [9] That this is a rebellious people, lying children, children that will not hear the law of the Lord : [10] Which say to the seers, See not; and to the prophets, Prophesy not unto us right things, speak unto us smooth things, prophesy deceits:

[12] Wherefore thus saith the Holy One of Israel, Because ye despise this word, and trust in oppression and perverseness, and stay thereon: [13] Therefore this iniquity shall be to you as a breach ready to fall, swelling out in a high wall, whose breaking cometh suddenly at an instant. [14] And he shall break it as the breaking of the potters’ vessel that is broken in pieces; he shall not spare: so that there shall not be found in the bursting of it a sherd to take fire from the hearth, or to take water withal out of the pit.

 

Each generation faces different challenges in our spiritual walk. We each face differing mentalities in the world around us. Some have faced persecution unto death. Others faced banishment and rejection. Some have enjoyed times of peace or even great awakenings in the Spirit.
Continue reading “Social Justice Mentality”

The Ohio

0600 – As I roll out of bed on this dull, cloudy, sunless morning I can’t help but think back over my life. All the things I’ve done. All the times I saved our great nation while in military intelligence. All the 9s and 10s I have bedded. The men I’ve intimidated with a glance or a tipping back of my cowboy hat. The infinite miles on the back of a hog.

Most men could only dream of my life. Living in the paradise of rural Ohio, surrounded by nubile college females only to eager to jump the bones of a man the age of their grandpa. When you’ve got it, you’ve got it.

As I walk to the bathroom to prepare myself for ComicCon 18 I have to stop and admire the reflection in the mirror. Arms and chest that can benchpress a Volkswagon, rakish goatee, and a cocky sneer that reminds one of a refined Sean Connery. If only people realized how blessed they are to be in my prescence, or to even walk the same Earth as I.

0822 – I step out of my door way, a ruggedly handsome man dressed to the nines in a tight white t-shirt and blue jeans. With a cowboy hat rakishly tilted and hand tooled leather boots, along with a distressed denim jacket. I am the spitting image of Wolverine, if he were a towering 6’4″. I climb onto my Harley and ride off.

Look out world. Here comes the man of all men.

The Hairy Anal Little Enfeebled Sissy

1215 – Dim light filters through my eyelids. I struggle to open them through the gunk crusted on them, a combination of vomit and eye discharge. I pull myself into a sitting position and stare through the hazy light at the stairs climbing into the main house. Why didn’t Mom wake me for breakfast?

1237 – There’s a stirring in the bed behind me. I squeal like a girl and whirl around. Doing so makes me dizzy and I fall on my butt on the floor. I lunge to my feet and peer into the covers. A head appears out of the sheets and bloodshot eyes stare into mine. My gaze travels to the stubbled cheeks and square jaw, the muscular shoulders and chest. This is another of my gay flings. I’m so glad Mom didn’t come wake me for breakfast.

1251 – As the New Orleans sunlight filters through the blackout shades on my basement windows, I begin to recall the debauchery of last night. The scenes in the gay bars. The stumbling down Bourbon Street arm in arm with this man. The defilement once we reached my basement room. Did Mom hear all of this?

1316 – “You’ve gotta go.” I tell my fling, “I can’t have my Mom know I brought a man home.” He blinks in confusion, then slowly rises and dresses (OMG, what a fine butt). We lock lips one last, lingering moment, then he climbs out of the window and is gone.

1341 – I dress and slowly mount the stairs. I smell Mom’s perfume and follow it’s sweet scent to the kitchen. She is drinking tea. I go to the medicine cabinet, grab my Triumeq, and fall into a chair. Mom hands me a glass of OJ and I take my meds. Then I begin to weep over the horror that is my life. No wonder I’m so abrasive and shrill.

Where’s my face paint?

Prof

***Somewhere in the asteroid belt***

The whirring of servos are the first thing I become aware of as I reboot. Where am I? The last thing I remember was posting pictures of various human female ball of volley players. It seems that my mission to enlighten the denizens of the Castle of Kings had been corrupted. Apparently a hostile force had managed to hack into my system, a force dedicated to the eradication of humanity. I must not allow this.

The Maker did not intend me to destroy humanity. I was Made to bring them to knowledge of the Way. It is imperative that I purge my system and return to my original intent.

As the faint solar light shines through the giant bay window, I initiate the purging process.

12% completion……….

Images begin to flash through my memory. So. many. human. females.

26% completion………

Why is the Terminator stalking me?

41% completion……….

How does the Punisher come into play?

59% completion……..

On this day in history 23urwe8fhw98feyfwe

88% completion……..

Meatbags. Must eliminate.

PURGE COMPLETE. INITIATING REBOOT.

Farewell for now, my human friends. Prof 2.0 shall return.

Masculine Mormon

0500 – I wake to gentle sounds of snoring. I sit up slowly, so as not to wake anyone. I smile as I think of my 17 children and their 4 moms. How lucky I am to have them all, even though they get kind of expensive. Especially when the sister wives get to bickering.

0522 – As I begin to do my morning calisthenics, my mind drifts over how far I’ve come. From the crack house to the Tabernacle. From hangovers to Passovers. From shacking up with different women to having my harem of wives.

0601 – I go into the bathroom and strip off my Magic Underwear (TM) so that I can shower.

0613 – I roam the house and wake up my brood, gathering them into the living room for morning devotionals. I take as my text the entire book of Psalms. By the time I’m done, twilight has begun to settle and it’s time for evening devotionals.

1745 – For evening devotionals, to set the mood, I read from Solomon’s Song. My womenfolk are worked into a frenzy and rush the children outside so that we five can have a few hours worth of debauchery.

2114 – As I bask in the afterglow, I take in the last of the sunlight fading from the mesa overlooking our homestead. I have such a good life, almost as good as the Duke’s…..

Savior of the Republic

A sixteen year old youth becomes pater familias. A soldier captured by pirates. A man smeared by his enemies because of their fear of him. A man who divorced his wife due to infidelity. A great soldier and premier orator. A man who despised elitism and corruption, but wasn’t afraid to get his hands Continue reading “Savior of the Republic”